My Almost a Mother Mother's day gift...

Reblogged from We Wished for you.:

This is the Car Seat I got (well the back of one and the bottom of another) from a very close friend of mine.  She is giving me the other parts soon so I have a matching set.  So we will have a car seat for each car.  We might also be getting a third, then my parents can keep one for a backup. 

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Heal…

Anger…

Sad news…

Our thoughts and prayers go out to those affected by today’s Bombing in New England.

Hello April…Spring is in the air…

With spring comes new life, new growth and for most of us – spring cleaning!  Its only fitting that the 4th step is also about cleaning out the cob webs.

Step 4:

Made a searching and fearless moral inventory of ourselves.

I am still working on my 4th step and can’t believe that it’s been a year already that I have been working on it.  I should go back and see what I wrote a year ago.  See how much I have changed.  Filling out the adoption/foster care application was like doing a 4th step.  You had to go all the way back to your child hood and give them an insight into why you are the person you are today and if that person is the correct fit to be a parent of a child in need of a home.  I have taken a few months off from even looking at my Blue Print for Progress book.  The 4th step work book for Al-Anon.  But I have been doing so many other things right now that the 4th step has taken a back seat for the moment.  Not forgotten, just set to the side.  Everyday I can do the 10th step to keep my 4th step from getting any bigger.

Today is the 3rd class in our adventure of becoming parents.  I also started a journal so I can put down all my thoughts and fears and feelings through this process so she knows what we went through to get her.  most parents can tell the kids how they were born, I can share with her the story of how she came to be a member of our family.  And it will be in my own words, as it’s going on, not in 10 years when I am trying to go off memory.

The little sticker I found

Monday I was feeling kinda blue about the adoption thing because of all the rules and the things we have to do on their time frame when a child is placed with us….just stuff going around in my head that I was letting fester there.  And I came back from talking to a co-worker, on the floor in front of my desk – right where I have been walking all day long was a flower sticker that’s all glittery and girly.  I picked it up, closed my eyes and said thank you to my higher power.  I needed that right then and there.  Sometimes when I forget to get all that crap out of my head it can really make my thinking go to crap.  My Higher Power reminded me that my little girl is out there somewhere just waiting for Hubby and I to be available for her to come home.  I can’t wait to give that little girl a forever home.  If you would like to get updates on our journey please head over to We Wished For You and follow it.  I am trying to keep up with all 4 web blogs.  I don’t post on all of them everyday, but I don’t want to post just to post.

I need to sit down and work on my 4th step again, I also need to try to make it to a meeting again.  Its been about 3 weeks since my last one.  If I miss this week that will be a whole month.  But one late night a week is already almost too much.  It really takes a toll on me not getting to bed at my normal time.  Sleep schedules are very important to someone who has chronic migraines.  I know that having a child means that my sleep will be interrupted on more than one night a week, but that is something that I will work on when it happens.  For now I am just trying not to blow through that much PTO for a self-caused migraine.

How many of you have done your 4th step or are working on it?  Please feel free to sound off in the comments Box.  If you are not sure where to start with your 4th step and you are working the Al-anon program – or even if you would  just like to do a 4th step, the Blue Print for Progress book is a very good place to start.  I got mine off Amazon.

Related articles

• April 1, 2013 – Step by Step (cmmacneil.typepad.com)
• April 1, 2013 – Step by Step (cmmacneil.wordpress.com)

Do You Need to Forgive?

Do You Need to Forgive?.

March is almpost over…

With March almost over I wanted to do a little check in.  This has been a big month for us.  I turned 30 years old, celebrated 9 years at my current job and we started foster/adoptive parent classes.  I have not been to a meeting in two weeks, I was feeling a little burnt out.  Plus with class being on Wed nights and not getting home till after 9pm the next day I feel dead.  Makes it hard to want to go anywhere Thursday night as well.  I do miss my Al-anon family, but right now I have to take care of myself.

I was taught that in Al-Anon, we have to take care of ourselves.  And right now that means getting rest and not over doing it.  The first class was a shocker and until I get used to staying up late on Wed nights it might be a little bit till I can get to a meeting.  I still do my reading and will still try to keep in touch with everyone.

This being the third month we talked about the third step, I am having to do that a lot and turn stuff over.  Its hard, but I know in my heart that my Higher Power is there right beside me through all of this.  I pray for the strength to stay on track and make it though this process of becoming a parent.  I know my daughter is out there somewhere, just waiting for us like we are waiting for her.

I use the serenity prayer so much om my way to work – it’s a good thing I don’t have my windows down, the cars next to me might hear me yell it over and over to myself till I can say it calmly from the heart.  That’s when I know my higher power has heard me and I feel the calming nature of his presence with me.

What are somethings that you have turned over to the care of God, as you understood him?  What are somethings that you know you need to let go of but are having an issue doing so?

30…part 3

This has been a few posts of expressing my fears, what I am thankful for and now I will list 30 things that I hope to achieve or just am looking forward to doing.  In no particular order:

1. become a parent
2. Finish painting the inside of our house
3. clean out baby girls room
4. Finish cleaning my office
5. pay off some debt
6. make better choices on how to spend our money
7. get down to my goal weight
8. take more classes
9. paint more
10. relax more
11. express my feeling better
12. learn how to ask for the things I want
13. learn to tell the difference between what I want and what I need
14. learn to fully turn things over and not try to hang on
15. learn to let things go, if it bothers me, let them know – or drop it all together.  Holding on to things forever only keeps hurting me
16. take better care of myself – eat better, sleep at normal time, go to the doctor, not ignore symptoms, treat my migraines when they start.
17. learn new things to better help me at my job
18. Finish more art projects
19. Finish tasks
20. not be so hard on myself when something doesn’t go as I planned
21. one day replace the current house we have with a new one
22. one day help my husband with a business of our own
23. help my adoptive daughter understand how loved she is
24. family trip to Disneyland
25. get a few left over dental issues taken care of
26. one day find a treatment for my migraines that works
27. put aside more time to spend with my husband doing fun things
28. learn how to save money
29. take a family trip somewhere
30. get family photo taken

30…Part 2

The other day I wrote about the 30 things I was thankful for.  Today I want to express the 30 things I fear or don’t want to happen…Again in no particular order

1. the dark
2. dieing
3. not being a good mother
4. disappointing my parents
5. the death of a parent or sister.
6. the death of my husband
7. the death of one of my babies (the dogs)
8. losing my job
9. losing my house
10. being told we cannot be foster parents or adopt a child
11. my husbands health due to his drinking for years
12. being laid off
13. that I will be as sick as my mom is one day
14. that I already am showing the signs of what my mother has
15. drowning
16. being stuck in a fire
17. that my migraines might get worse
18. that my husband could be injured really bad at work one day
19. that I could one day have another seizure
20. upsetting my husband
21. ending up in the hospital
22. having surgery
23. will not be able to get home due to a bad flood (monsoon time)
24. getting stuck with out food and water again due to a flood
25. one day Dozer my boxer could have a bad allergy attack when no one is home
26. something could happen at the house while no one is home and my dogs get hurt
27. when I have the dogs in the car I pray that on one hits us
28. that I will forget something important
29. that I can’t drop the weight that I need to
30. that my adoptive daughter might one day hate me

30…part 1

I am not 30 years old.  Last Wednesday night I was  afraid to go to sleep.  If I went to sleep then when I woke up I would be 30.  Like by staying away I could avoid it.  It’s just a number I know, but for some reason 30 was a scary one.  I was watching TV and trying to keep it together.  I had taken Thursday and Friday off work, so my lack of sleep was not hurting anything.  I was trying not to keep my husband (who still had to go to work in the morning) awake with my panic attack.  I remember how I felt as 9pm and then 10pm rolled around.  The panic was almost too much for me.

I got pretty interested in what was on the TV at that moment (can’t tell you what it was now) And I looked over at the time to see it was 1:30am.  OMG, I was 30!  Nothing felt different, the world had not come to an end, no one was calling me telling me what a failure I was.  I was 30 and everything was just fine.  How could I have been so scared and nothing happened?  I had some how let my thoughts do me in.

As of today I have been smoke free for 70 days and saved $230.  It feels amazing to have made it this far and not feel like I can’t go another day and I know that’s what I can do.  Today I am smoke free, I can only live one day at a time…so I wanted to write down a list…or two…or three  Here are my 30 things…

30 Things that I am thankful for – in no particular order

1. To be alive
2. my parents
3. my husband
4. my sister
5. My Sweet furry children
6. Devereux (Foster care agency)
7. my job
8. a roof over my head
9. my health (as bad as I feel today, it could always be worse)
10. my friends
11. al-anon
12. AA
13. being able to pay bills and some what on time most months
14. My Hubbies substance abuse counselor and his wife who have become very close friends.
15. being nicotine free
16. loving my job
17. a bed to make
18. food in my house to eat
19. clothes on my back
20. people willing to donate items to others in need
21. a husband who understands my migraines
22. an understanding Boss
23. supportive family
24. being able to express my creative side
25. strangers who smile back
26. strangers who smile first
27. warm spring days
28. waking up to a Boxer who wants to snuggle
29. falling asleep in my husbands arms
30. hearing someone say they think I will be a good mom