Hubby said to him the “came to” in this step means he woke up, I agree. I was in a dream state – a surreal nightmare that had become my life. I was aboard this crazy train that was on the war path to a bridge that was out. I was bound to hit rock bottom and there was not conductor directing the train. I had been the conductor of my crazy train for a while, then when my sorrow and depression reached its peak I just gave up. I let go of the wheel and locked the door. No one could get to the wheel and I was headed out of control. While sitting in the AA meeting for hubby’s 6 month chip, I saw the red light flashing saying that I was going to crash but chose to ignore it. About halfway through that meeting it hit me, unlock the door so that my higher power can get me on the right track before I crash and burn! Once I did that the alarms went off and the flashing red light turned off, I had been saved from the bottomless pit of my self despair.
After reading that you might think that I have yet to get my sanity back, but that’s truly how I felt then. I was lost, helpless, hopeless, alone, depressed, and desperate. I felt like I could not to talk to anyone cause no one would understand me. Anytime I tried to talk to my friends they would not see what I did, the act we had become so good at doing was too good at hiding the pain and trouble we had. At the same time as soon as someone would voice concern I would come up with all kinds of excuses. The lies were hard to keep up with, sometimes I would forget who was told what. I hated to lie, made me feel sick inside, but I could not let on that things had gotten that bad. I could not stand it if I started to get pity from people.
I had enough self-pity, I could not take it from others on top of it. I always had what I felt was a good spiritual foundation, but my relationship with God was always fuzzy. My parents allowed me to go to church with all my friends. So I went to christen church youth nights, Mormon church dances and functions. I had friends who were Wiccan, pagan, atheist and what I feel that I am – agnostic. When I say I am agnostic it doesn’t mean that I don’t believe in God, I don’t believe in one religion over another. I like some parts from each one, but too many have thing I do not believe in for me to set myself to a commitment to just one. In a way I feel like a part of all of them, so that is me. I do not belong to one group or one belief. The only belief that I have is that of sobriety and serenity, Faith and my higher power.
I talk to my higher power a lot, mostly in the car. That seems to be when I need the most help! My higher power is not always God, most of the time it is and he is the under laying faith in every part of my life now. But sometime when I talk to my higher power I thing of my grandfather or someone who has passed on but still watches over me. Remember, higher power is God as You understand him. So that is the way that I understand my higher power.
If no one has told you they love you today, I love you and God does too!