Archive for December, 2011


My Second Al-Anon meeting…12-29-11

I leave there with such a good feeling.  It’s like nothing I felt before.  We have fun, we laugh, we share stories and we bond.  My Al-Anon family has become a very important part of my week.  They keep talking to me about finding a sponsor *sigh* not sure how to even go about asking for one.  I would kinda like the lady who runs our meetings to be my sponsor, but not sure how she would feel about that.  My husband doesn’t have a sponsor yet either, I am not sure he knows how to go about getting one either.  It seems I have to be the one to ask the other person, sometimes I wish they would just come up to me – hey I want to be your sponsor.  But like so many other things in life you have to take the bull by the horns as they say.  I got a little sticker/bookmark from a lady in my group.  I was telling a story about how my grandmother is going through a hard time with her husband who has been a bad drinker and now has dementia because of it.  Her guilt is preventing her from taking him to a home.  She can not take care of him like he needs to be and he yells at her all the time.  She is sad and stressed and I don’t like it one bit.  But anyways, a lady in my group passed on to me a little sticker that says “Screw Guilt”  I love it!!  I let go of my guilt over Bryan’s drinking.  It’s in the past, I can’t change it, why stress over it.  I had no control over it, so just LET GO!  Let go and let God!!

Words from another blogger about sponsor

 

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Meeting tonight!

Tonight is my Al-Anon meeting night.  I feel so good on Thursdays, I am excited before I go to my home group and then I feel relaxed and calm after.   It is like a feeling of being so happy by being surrounded by others who feel the same as I do.  They understand me, they don’t judge me.  I got my One Day at a Time book, and got a cover for it.  I made a cover by Crochet and then I bought a Bible cover that has pockets and a zipper.  It is too big for my book, but I can put a note-book in it as well as my book.  I can carry a tissue pouch and some cash for the donation box at my meeting.  The front pocket is big enough for my phone.

 

Very good Song

Recover – Natasha Bedingfeild – youtube video

This song touched me before, but with what I have been going through – it made the tears stream down my face.  For all who are in recovery – no matter what it is from – you will love this.

“Recover”

Been torn apart,
Got so many scratches and scars,
Maybe they wont all go away,
But they’ll fade,
Maybe time can mend us together.. again.
Its not what we’ve done but, how far we’ve come.

We will recover
The worst is over, now.
All those fires we’ve been walking through,
And still we survive, somehow.
We will recover
The worst is behind
And it hurts, but in time, I know that we will recover.
(Yeah yeah)

Got so much to lose,
Seems I’ve lost my power to choose, oh
What to love and when to let go,
That all changed,
Get bitten once and then your afraid
What a waste,
Look what we’ve done,
How far we’ve come..

We will recover,
The worst is over, now.
All those fires we’ve been walking through,
And still we survive, somehow.
We will recover,
The worst is behind,
And it hurts, but in time, I know that we will recover.
Everybody’s gotta, a reason to cry,
And everybody fights but, not everyone survives
And everybody’s searching, not everybody finds
And I’m still in recovery, and I’ll make it alive?

We will recover,
The worst is over, now.
All those fires we’ve been walking through
And still we survive, somehow.

We will recover
The worst is behind, and it hurts but in time,
I know that we will recover,
The worst is over, now.
And all those fires we’ve been walking through,
And still we survive, somehow.
We will recover,
The worst is behind
And it hurts, but in time, I know that we will recover

Late Nights

It’s funny that back when my husband drank and we would be out with friends, I could stay up till 2 or 3 in the morning.  I could still get up no later than 7am and take care of the household.  Now, no way!  We are in bed early, up early (sometimes we get to sleep in till almost 8am) I can sleep all night and most mornings feel rested.  Still have stress in our life so some nights are still late or not as restful.  But overall a better sleeping arrangement.  I get about 6 maybe even 7 hrs of sleep.  I would like a full 8 but that never seems to happen.  I used to get like 4 or 5 hrs. 

To all my Friends and Family. This year has been hard, and a few of you know just how hard it has been. This will be the first Christmas without my Great Grandmother. I miss her everyday. This will be our first sober Christmas, I could not ask for a better gift. A sober Husband, Santa can not top what that means to me! We both have our recovery programs and we have each other. This time of year is not about who got the biggest gift, or who spent the most. It’s about seeing family and telling them you love them. I love my friends and family, May God, as you understand him, bless your heart and home. Merry Christmas Everyone!!

First Al-Anon date 12/22/11

Al-Anon start Date: 12-22-2011

12/23

Yesterday was my fist Al-Anon meeting.  After the meeting I came home and talked to my husband about my feelings.  He was at his AA meeting while I was at my Al-Anon meeting.  All this time I thought this was just his problem.  He was the sick one not me, why do I need treatment?  I am not the one who drinks, he is!  As I read the book and listened to everyone’s story’s I realized that I am just as sick if not sicker than he is.

The drinker is the one who lies, hides things, steals, makes up stories and is the only one with the illness right?  WRONG!!  I lied right along with him, I helped him hid the drinking.  I would tell myself “he doesn’t have a problem.”  I would go buy him beer and never say anything about it to him.  He would yell and scream at me, or through stuff if I did something he thought was wrong or something he didn’t like.  I just would take it, I never said anything.  I would sit there in silence and listen.  Sometimes I ever started to believe it.  So really recovery is as important for me as it is for him.

I felt a lot of guilt towards his drinking for a long time.  Maybe this was somehow partially my fault.  Then I felt anger towards him, towards his parents, towards myself.  Why did his parents have to be so mean, such heavy drinkers and passed it on to both their children.  Then I felt sadness cause if he would have found Al-Anon, Alateen or ACA (adult children of alcoholics) maybe this could have been avoided.  Instead of dwelling on the past, I am putting my energy towards my recovery and the future.

During our separation which was the fist part of his recovery, he used to tell me that even if we didn’t stay together this was not just his issue and I would have to always deal with it.  I thought oh great, he is never going to let me be.  But after talking with him last night I realized what he was talking about was my own illness.  I was co-dependent to his drinking.  I would take care of him so he never had to suffer the consequences from his drinking.  I was making it easy on him to keep drinking.  Now being able to see that I am also sick and need the recovery program I feel so much better.

Wait, you feel better after admitting you have a problem?  Well yes, that is one of the twelve steps.  The very first step is to admit that you are powerless over alcohol and that you life has become unmanageable.  There are twelve steps, twelve traditions and twelve concepts of service.  What a coincidence there is also twelve months.  I will be working thought each one each month.  I was told by my group leader last night that after one year I get my Al-Anon chip, I am so excited about that.  Seeing Bryan get his chips has been wonderful.  AA gives out sobriety chips as they reach milestones in their recovery.

My husband got his 6 month chip last week and it was my first open AA meeting.  That is when I decided I wanted to see what Al-Anon was all about.  Going to the open AA meeting opened my eyes to recovery.  The AA, Al-Anon, Alateen and ACA programs are wonderful.

I always had this feeling of being lost, without purpose, without hope.  I was sad, depressed and lonely.  I thought there was no way anyone would understand or believe me.  I have lived most of my life in pain that no one understood or believed.  I have had migraines all of my life, I also have wide-spread pain all over my body.  There are no medical findings to support my claims of the pain.  So I was told over and over that it was all in my head.  As a child Dr’s told my parents I was faking the migraines.  It was not till I was 21 and had a seizure that they started to listen to me.

So, here I am a person who suffers herself not believing my husband when he tried to tell me he suffered.  That he was in pain, was sad and depressed.  I could not believe that he felt hopeless or useless when everyone wanted his help for everything.  He felt just as alone as I did.  So here are two people who are in pain, lonely, sad and hopeless.  Both so close to one another yet so far away.   Thank God everyday that we both have now found recovery, we have both found understanding, we have both found compassion and we have both found the love for each other that was always there.  We just had to get out of our own way.  Let go and let God.  To hear him talk of God in his life is very new for me, he refused Gods presence in his life for a long time and it warms my heart now.  So now we have each other, we have God, and we both have recovery.

 

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