Archive for January, 2012


Powerful And Profound!

Texas Tech has an awesome “Celebration” meeting that addicts from all walks of addiction can come to. It doesn’t matter if you are from AA, NA, CA….. etc, they celebrate everyone’s recovery together. I had the blessing of attending that meeting thursday night and getting my 30 day chip. I made it a full size image to see the picture well enough.

I want to make it clear to both addict, and the family member affected by the disease of addiction, that every day is a celebration. Recovery is one of the best things that I can latch tightly on to, because I know it is my recovery that is going to hold my head above water. I know that attending my meetings, reading in my big book, regularly praying, being selfless- I know all these things are what is going to save me from death.

By the grace of the Lord I am here today, when many times before I should not have been. I should be dead at least three times over because of the amount of drugs I was putting into my body- but again, by the grace of God, I am alive!

We must remember always, whether addict or not, that we have need of gratitude to God just because we are here another day. So, just for this next day that He has given me, I will stay sober. As of Tuesday the 31st, ive been Sober for 38 days! May God bless you all!

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Reflections…

I read something in one of the daily readings that was about how a lady saw the refection of her hanging lamp in her glass coffee table.  She said the longer she looked at it the more the Ceiling looked like the floor and the hanging lamp looked like a floor lamp.  It hit her that maybe she was blinded by all the little nasty things her husband had done and was forgetting the good things.  I know how she feels, I would tell people only the good things my hubby would do for me.  They would tell me how sweet he sounds and how wonderful he must be.  And when he was doing those nice things he was wonderful!

The longer I sat there and thought of nothing but the darkness the more and more it seem that was all there was.  I no longer found the sweet things he did endearing, they were annoying or bothersome.  The nasty thing he did seems that much worse due to the fact that I am already only seeing the dark side of things.  I pulled back more and more, and he pushed towards being mean more and more.  I am sure that he had some misguided reflections as well.  For he no longer appreciated what I did around the house, I would make dinner and it was never what he wanted or not cooked the way he wanted it to be.  He missed the fact that I was willing to come home after a 9 hour day and cook and clean.  He never asked me to do his laundry or even said he was running low, he just assumed I would do it for him.  If I was a house wife, no problem, but I work just as long as he does everyday.  We needed to find a way to do things as a team, we had lost that partnership and were just sparing off each other.

Tomorrow is a new month, and the second month of the year so you know what that means…step 2!  I am very excited to start the next step.  It’s the next part of my cha-cha-cha dance.  1-2-3 cha-cha-cha, 1-2-3 admit believe decide.  So with the closing of the month, I pause to look inside myself.  Have I truly admitted that I was powerless over alcohol and that my life had become unmanageable.  I know 100% that my life had become unmanageable and yes, I am powerless over alcohol.  I am not just saying it to make others happy or give false hope that I was getting it.  I truly believe that I am powerless over many things, especially alcohol.

If no one has told you they love you today, I love you and God does too!

Fortune cookie says…

Men are apt to settle a question rightly when it is discussed freely.

To me this means that if you talk openly about something, it is more likely to get taken care of then if you are to drop hints.  I used to think I was really good at dropping hints, but sometimes they were taken the wrong way and I got myself into trouble.  If I want something, I need to just ask for it.  If I do not like something, I need to come right out and say it.  But still remember the other person’s feelings and word it in a way that still gets my point across but is not just plain mean.  Hurting someone is never my intention.  I used to just not say anything at all if I thought it would hurt someone.  And that was not good either.  Not telling someone something is just as worse as telling then just to hurt them.  Best thing to do is to just calmly discuss that it is in a way that is not an attack.

That’s what we used to be so good at, the attack.  He was better at it than I was, but me holding back was my response and in a way an attack.  I now have the tools I need to comunicate my feelings.  I can do so in a way that will cause minimal harm, if any.  I try to tell my husband as many times as I feel I need to tell him that I love him.  I never want that, oh I should have said it one more time.  He used to get made that I would say it too much.  Then after we had been separated and got back together, he told me I didn’t say it like I used to.  I told him well you told me I said it too much.  He said “You can say it as much as you want, I will not get tired of it.” so i say it as much as I feel the need to now.

I say I love you to many people in my life, there are friends that are so close to me that I do tell them I love them.  I see nothing wrong with telling someone other than your spouse that you love them, when you do not mean it in a romantic context.   I love you and God loves you too, that what I got from a friend.  “If nobody has told you they love you today, I do and God does too.”  I smile every time I see him post that on Facebook.  I just got the OK to start ending my posts with his saying.  So that is what I am going to do from here on out!

I try to remember everyday that things are not always what they seem…but more on that tomorrow.

If no one has told you they love you today, I love you and God does too!

Free Online Audio Playback Of All Big Book Text

Hey guys, I was just doing some surfing online and I found a link that allows you to listen to the Big Book online at your own pace and preference, when carrying around the Big Book isn’t possible. 

It also has a link for you to download the Big Book on iTunes for 10.95!

http://www.recoveryzone.org/docs/bigbook.htm

Enjoy!

My fortune cookie…

At one of my lunches this week I got a fortune cookiethat said:

An unopened fortune cookie

The real test in life is not in keeping out of the rough, but in getting out after you are in.

I really like this one.  It’s not about how many times I have avoided the rough, its how well I get up and brush myself off after.  Yes I

English: Sand trap, Kilspindie Small, perfectl...

Image via Wikipedia

might have some sand on my clothes and maybe even some dirt in my hair, but I made it out and am standing on my own two feet again.  I must learn that the path I just took was not the right one and get back on the correct path.  As long as I don’t go back the same way and keep ending up in the same hole.  Repeating the same action over and over expecting a different result every time is the definition of insanity.  I have had enough insanity in my life for a long time, I am covered.  So I have to make sure that I learn from my mistakes so I do not repeat them.

I repeated the same thing every day for 5 years expecting it to just automagicaly get better.  I waited for it to just be ok again, but I was not making any changes from within myself to do that.  I was slowly changing, but it was not for the better.  We both changed into people we didn’t like, but were almost trapped inside with out an escape plan.  I found the escape hatch that night in the AA meeting, I hit the release button and have looked forward ever since.  I do think back to those times, but only as a refection.  Just to see what there is to learn from it before I move on to the next thing.  I have to learn from the mistakes I already made.  Otherwise I might repeat them and I really don’t want that.

**as a side note – right after I wrote this my Hubby got home and started to talk about the same thing.  How repeating the same action expecting a different result is insanity.  I started to giggle and he kinda got upset.  I pulled it together so he could finish, I then told him that I had just wrote about that exact thing and then we both had a good laugh about it.**

Punished…

I lost my faith for a very long time.  It was not just my faith in God, I lost faith in almost everything.  I was sure, 100% sure that God was punishing me for something.  I even told friends I felt that I was being punished for something.  But once I got my head in a better place I realized that it was self punishment.  Once I realized that the Lord wasn’t punishing me, I was able to get my faith back in a lot of things.  More and more of that faith started to rush back to me, and that’s when it hit me.  Not only had I lost my faith in things, but I am sure that others had begun to have less faith in me as well.

I had to tell myself, the Lord doesn’t punish me, just will tap me on the shoulder and say “you are not listening to me” so I stop and listen to the answers even if it is not what I want to hear.  Not all answers to our problems are pleasant ones and most of the time they are never easy either, but the right choice is hardly ever the easy choice.  Having faith back in my life is like having happiness back in my life.  They go hand in hand it seems, even though the hard times I find myself still happy as long as I keep my head up and faith in my heart.

I had lost my faith in being happy ever again, I thought “well this is my life now I better just get used to it.”  I would make dinner, clean, do laundry and all the while being yelled at that it wasn’t good enough.  So as I stopped caring and just stopped doing everything, I still got yelled at but at least I wasn’t doing the work and getting yelled at.  I immersed myself into online games, cause well there everyone seemed to love me.  No one judged me, they were all my friends.  The more distant I got from my problems the bigger and bigger they got.  The bigger they got the more I would pull away.  Again – this snow ball thing I keep going back to.  Why do I keep bringing it up, cause I had more than one snow ball fight going on that’s why.

The people who I thought were my friends were just friends cause I played the game with them, since I have stopped on one cares to check up on me.  I have started to play different games that are not just there to socialize.  Also I have started to play them with people I know in real life and I limit the amount of time I spend online.  It has helped me not spend so much time glued to a computer and have more time to spend with My Hubby.  I think now we can both feel better with the amount of time I spend online. It was something to do while I felt so alone before, now that I am not so “alone” I don’t have such a need for the distraction from reality.

as this month comes to a close…

As we near the closing of this month I wanted to touch back on step one before moving on to step 2.

We admitted we were powerless and that our lives had become unmanageable.

This is a two-part step, We admit to being powerless and then we admit that our lives had become unmanageable.  I am powerless over so many things including alcohol, and my life had

An assortment of Guatemalan worry dolls made f...

Image via Wikipedia

become unmanageable.  I have help keeping my life on track, I talk to my higher power.  I remember using worry dolls as a kid, they are small dolls that are used at night to soothe a person’s fears and worries, mostly children.  I guess they felt that if the child could tell the dolls and get it off their chest that it would help them feel better.  I can see how even as an adult, if you carry around guilt and worry then you have a heavy heart.

Its better to get it out before it grows and life has become unmanageable and now you feel over whelmed.  Even once re realize we have reached the point of unmanageable, we still feel we have power over it.  Till we admit to being powerless over it, it will still have its grasp on us while we fight to over power it.  It’s a snow ball that keep growing and growing, till one day you can’t move it anymore.  I take my little snowball while it is small enough to handle and hand it over to my higher power.

Decide, delegate and drop it.

That is another saying my husband got from his substance abuse class.  He said it has helped him a lot to not worry and stress over things.  I have been trying to do more “let go and Let God”  My higher power can help me overcome things that alone I would not be able to deal with.  Or maybe things I just need to say out-loud to figure out.  When I am in the car alone I will sometimes think out-loud and talk to my higher power about it.  Most of the times just doing that the answer will come to me and I feel like He really did help me see the answer.  It was there the whole time – I just didn’t see it.

Is Addiction Really A Disease?

Well, I’m fresh out of rehab, and all I can say is there are a million things I look at differently. Heading into rehab, I had some serious misconceptions of both what an addict / alcoholic was, and why it was important to distinguish why we addicts are the way that we are.

I have to face the fact that I’m an addict, and i’ll never be able to change that. What can change, is my honesty to admit I am an addict, my open-mindedness to find a new way of doing life, and finally, willingness to act upon to the proposed changes I will need to make. I had to learn that if its not God‘s will (And you will see me reference back and forth between God and Higher Power) its not a healthy will. I can clearly see where my own will has got me, and the end result was a rock bottom. Self-will run-riot

One thing that drastically changed for me, while in rehab, was my view on addiction- whether to drugs or alcohol. I got saturated in both NA and AA in treatment, and have been working both programs, so I will try to be specific when quoting literature, to let you know where I got it. For example In NA “alcohol is also classified as a drug.” ( See NA Big Book) In any case, this finally leads me to the title of this entry.

The medical profession has struggled to accurately handle the field of addiction, whether to drugs or alcohol. How do we know this? Look at our Jails, our Institutions, or the addicts we used to know.(Death) Their approach to addiction is flawed, and a video I got the pleasure of watching while in rehab made me see addiction in a whole new light. Some doctors are pressing now, that addiction is a disease. Here is the video, broken into segments, addressing the issue of whether addiction is a choice based problem, or a disease based problem.

I hope you are just as enlightened as I was, and I’d be very interested to know whether you originally felt addiction was a disease or not! Enjoy!

JUST FOR TODAY my thoughts will be on my recovery,
living and enjoying life without the use of drugs.
JUST FOR TODAY I will have faith in someone in NA who
believes in me and wants to help me in my recovery.
JUST FOR TODAY I will have a program. I will try to follow it
to the best of my ability.
JUST FOR TODAY, through NA, I will try to get a better
perspective on my life.
JUST FOR TODAY I will be unafraid. My thoughts will be on
my new associations, people who are not using and
who have found a new way of life. So long as I follow
that way, I have nothing to fear.

Coffee
Image by @Doug88888 via Flickr

Some mornings I am lucky enough to have my sweet hubby make a cup of coffee for me for my ride into work.  Other morning there is not enough time or we both forget, on these mornings I have to make my coffee when I get to work.  So while I make my coffee I take that time to talk to my higher power.  I ask questions, I get things off my chest or just voice some concerns.  Now I don’t say these things out loud cause well I might be deemed the crazy lady who talks to her coffee.  But I do have the thoughts in my head and picture the stress or anxiety leaving my body.  I take the problems that I can not handle alone and I pray for help.

“To Pray is to ask the questions, meditation is to hear the answers.”

I pray every morning and meditate every night. Not only do I get help with what I was praying for, but it also relaxes me to be able to fall asleep.  I have bad insomnia and spent most nights watching the ceiling fan go around.  Part of it is from the headaches, the pain never really goes away.  The other part is not being able to shut my brain off.  I get a song stuck in my head, an issue that has come up that day or week or just what I want to make for dinner the next day.  What ever the thought is, I just can not shut it off!  So sleep for me sometimes is just something I know nothing about.

So for me my morning coffee is very important, it wakes me up and gives me time to pause and talk to my higher power.  I have a friend who writes “coffee with god” on FaceBook, I start Image representing Facebook as depicted in Cru...every morning with reading it.  Usually while drinking my coffee.  His words are kind and helpful, and some days it seems that what he is talking about is directly related to how I feel that day.  It’s nice to know that I am not alone, that people out there are going through or feeling the same things I am.  For some being alone is the most scariest thing.  For others all they want is to be alone.

I am one who is not found of being alone, I used to be one who was petrified of it.  I thought there was now way I could live alone, how could I go on without someone being right there all the time.  This summer I found out that I can very well live on my own.  Did I like it? NO!  did I survive? Yes!  Was it hard? You bet!  But I did it and so its not just the fear of being alone that is keeping me right where I am, its the love for him that keeps up together.  It’s a bond that runs deeper than just that of a husband and wife, we are truly connected again.  Its still hard, and we still make each other crazy.  But the ups are much higher now and much longer where the downs are much short and not so deep.

Don’t give up hope, if love is there and you have a good foundation – you can come out of this together.  We walked from the flames hand and hand, our bond and love stronger than ever.  Yes we had some chared edges and some scars.  But wounds heal, scars fade and together we will pull from each others strengths.  We have our recovery programs, we have each other, we have faith in a higher power, we let go and let god.

Welcome a new member to the team!

I would like you all to please give a warm welcome to the newest member of the Chip in My Heart team.  He is my dearest and closest friend and I know he is going to be a wonderful addition.  I can not wait to read his words of recovery and see all the awesomeness of hope he can offer.  Rex and I go WAY back to Junior high and High school and I know he has a passion just like mine for writing and recovery.  This is very exciting to me to be adding another member of the team who can write from the AA and NA side of the coin.

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