Archive for January 10, 2012


Our lives – now sober.

“I don’t like the way alcohol made me feel, I like the way it didn’t make me feel”  The words of my husband.  He told me he didn’t like the taste and didn’t like how it made him feel, but he liked how it made him not feel things.  “I said what I wanted to say and that was it.”  He didn’t have to care how the other person felt, even if it was me.  Some of the people in our lives never even knew there was a problem.  We got good at playing the game.  We knew how to play off how happy we were and how much we loved each other.  The loving each other wasn’t an act, but the way we showed each other our love was not healthy.  To most we were happy and laid back, we would get home and it was WWIII.  When we first started to date I used to mouth right back at him, but after getting shot down so much I started not to care for the fight anymore.  It was much better to pick my battles and just keep my mouth shut.  I was making me happier, or so I thought.  But truthfully I was angry, alone and frustrated.  I was lost and had forgot my map. “Use GPS Court.” Well it seems my GPS had one too many beers most nights.

Now – we are each others guiding lights.  He found recovery and then helped me find mine.  We have never been this happy and it’s for real.  We sit in bed and look at the internet together.  That used to be a big fight, I spent too much time online.  Well, it was my only out let and he left me alone so much, I found something to fill me time.  He helps me with my thoughts for the blog when my brain runs away at 100 miles per hour.  Something that happens a lot with my ADD.  Good thing about writing the blog, it helps me focus and practice those skills.

“The light at the end of the tunnel is no longer a freight train.”  He said to me tonight and I have to agree.  For once it seems that life is as it should be.  It is still hard but it’s not such an uphill battle.  We spend time working on the house, we play with the dogs and we watch movies.  Fridays are our date nights, we never used to have a date night.  We make little home-made pizzas and then watch a DVD.  Might not sound like much to you, but after almost not having him in my life anymore, these are the best nights.  There is hope, never give up!  I have faith in my heart, its full of love for the 2 men in my life.  My husband and my Higher power.  God Bless!!

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Guilt/blame

behavioral self-blame – undeserved blame based on actions. Victims who experience behavioral self-blame feel that they should have done something differently, and therefore feel at fault.

I felt this a lot, like somehow I deserved what was happening to me.  I let it happen, but it was not my fault or something I deserved.  I know that a lot of you out there feel the same.  I hear it night after night in group or in the articles I read.  I used to think God was punishing me for something.  God doesn’t punish us, but he will tap you on the shoulder and say “Hey, you are not listening!”  It sometimes takes a few taps to get my attention.

My husband was such a good drinker, that he could make you feel bad for him and almost agree with him drinking.  He had a bad day at work – ok go have a drink.  His parents disowned him – ok go have a drink.  He would even get people to feel bad and join in with his drinking.  If anyone was cutting down or trying to stop he would succeed almost every-time to get them to drink with him.  Heck, he even got me to drink a few beers with him and I HATE the taste of beer.

If this sounds at all like what you have seen or gone through, never fear, you are not alone!  This is part of the alcoholic brain, they are able to get you to feel sorry for them or mad at them.  Either way they can use your emotion as a reason to give themselves permission to drink.  They give themselves permission to drink and get drunk cause of something someone else did, said or made them feel.

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