Archive for January 11, 2012

Wednesday night dinner…

An unopened fortune cookie

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I picked up dinner from a Asian restaurant on my way home from work, so they gave us two fortune cookies.  I have to say, every now and then we get some really good ones.  Tonight we got some awesome ones. Mine says:

Give to the world the best you have and the best will come back to you.

That’s what I am doing with this blog.  I try to give my all and pour out my heart here.  I have never felt better than I have since I started to write and go to my meetings.  It’s funny to me to look over and see him enjoying some orange chicken.  I could NEVER get him to try Oriental food before, and let me tell you I tried.  Since he has stopped drinking he has been willing to try more and more new foods.  He has come to really love steamed crab and that makes me very happy.  Hubby was pretty happy with his fortune cookie too.

For light, go directly to the source of the light, not to any reflections.

He said he feels that is what he did while drinking.  He would go from reflection to refection and never to a source of happiness.  Looking at the way we laugh and smile at each other now, I know its a true form of happiness.  He said he loves how he can enjoy being with the dogs now.  They are our kids due to the fact that I am unable to have children. (Because of some health issues) We do plan on adopting one day, but as of right now our three furry children are our little bundles of joy.  A Chihuahua, a Boxer Basenji Mix and a young pure bred Boxer.  He used to get frustrated and mad at the dogs, they are good kids, but they get a little wild now and then.  A Boxer pup was a new handful that I am not sure we were 100% ready for.  (Dozer Days) I do have another Blog I started when we got the pup we named Dozer.  I started that blog to share with people our new found love of the Boxer Breed.

I know he might not always say the he is happy or directly show that he is, but when I look into his eyes, I can see it. I hear it in his voice, I hear it in his laughter and I can feel it when he hugs me.  I love to be affectionate and I need to have that human contact.  I am so glad that he has begun to be more and more affectionate and has learned to express his feelings better.  He used to say I said “I love you” too much, but now he says he wants to hear it all the time.  We never hang up the phone with out saying “I love you, Drive safe.”  and in the mornings we add “have a good day” to that.

We had a bit of a fight once and hug up the phone without saying drive safe, well that day on my way home from work I got in a car accident.  So now we make sure that no matter what, we always say, I love you drive safe.  So, it is time for me to sign off and spend some time with my little family, so Good night and God Bless. Drive safe and have a wonderful night!

Looking through pictures of our past trips or gatherings we can see how much we changed.  Hubby and I have both lost a bunch of weight, we are more active and we eat so much better.  I have to get back into my Yoga and riding my stationary bike.  He looked at all the pictures and all he kept seeing was that almost were pictures where he had a beer in his hand or very close by.  At first he wanted me to delete all of them, but then he thought about it and would rather have the reminder of how bad it was so he can always remember not to go back.  I keep all my before pictures with my weight loss to remind myself of what I don’t want to go back to.  It’s not good to dwell on the past, but you do have to remember the mistakes you made so you know not to repeat them.  learn from them and move on.  One day at a time I am able to let go of another bad thing that happened in my past.  I can not live in fear and I will not allow my life to become unmanageable again.

The 12 steps have shown me that they are not just useful with the addiction, they are useful in most of my life situations.   At work I have to take a deep breath and either say the serenity prayer or “let go and let god”  I can not control the person on the other side of the phone, I can not make them understand me if they are unwilling to listen and I can only control my reaction to them.  They may frustrate me, they may even try to get me going even on purpose cause they are having a bad day and I sound too chipper, I have no idea.  All I know is that I stay calm, take care of their issue and if they hang up smiling or at least much calmer then I did all that I can do.

I am able to hear myself talk now and have to remember when I say something wrong, I can catch it and apologize for it right away.  My husband has gotten better with that, around me at least.  I am not sure how he is to others, but I do know that the way he is with me now is much, much different. We can talk and laugh or sit together and say nothing.  Even the silent moments are not awkward or strange.  I don’t feel like I have to talk to fill the time with chatter.  We can just enjoy being near one another.

This weekend He hits 7 months sober, I am so proud.  He can do this, and come June he gets his 1 year chip.  That day will be so freaking happy for us!  In December I get my 1 year Al-Anon chip and can not wait!  He teases me that I will always be 6 months behind him.  That’s fine with me, cause if I catch up to him that means he fell off the wagon.  I would rather just be 6 months behind him.  🙂


“It is not enough to take steps which may some day lead to a goal; each step must be itself a goal and a step likewise.
Johann Wolfgang von Goethe

I thought this was fitting for anyone doing the 12 steps.  You must remember that it is a one step at a time thing.  One step at a time, one day at a time, one goal at a time… it’s not an over night change.  I thought once He stopped drinking life was going to go back to normal.  Nope, he had a lot of pain and things pent up that he was hiding with the alcohol.  We both hid behind our own veils and thought we did a good job.  I used to think as long as there was a smile on my face no one would know how bad I hurt.  Not so much.  To most I am an open book, no matter what cover I put on the pages people can still read the signs.  The only person I felt never got me was my husband.  He could never understand the pain from being lonely, the migraines, the hurtfulness from his words…there is no way he understood me.  The only one of those that was true was the migraines, he doesn’t have them that bad.  Little did I understand then that he was in his own kind of pain.  He understood all too well the loneliness, he is the adult child of two sever alcoholics who do not believe they have an issue and have disowned their son and me.  That is their own deal, and we are not going to be a part of it.  They also have the control problem and we were unwilling to let them control us and that didn’t work for them.

Pain is lonely, I spent so much time alone due to my migraines.  No one understands them, they just want to leave you alone.  That works for some people, but I hate to be alone.  Now that my husband has a better understanding of my migraines, he knows how to better help me.  Just as he took the time to learn about my illness, I took the time to learn about his.  That’s when I discovered its not just the alcoholic who is sick.  It’s a family illness and effects all members in it.  AA will not teach him how to make me stop being co-dependent and Al-anon will not teach me how to get him to stop drinking.  The groups are there to help the person in it, the other person needs their own recovery plan.

So just remember, just because it doesn’t seem like someone should be in pain, the hurt could just be in the inside.  Just because they don’t have bruises and scares, doesn’t mean that it’s all in their head.  You would not tell a person who has cancer to just stop having cancer, its something that needs to be treated.

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