I lost my faith for a very long time.  It was not just my faith in God, I lost faith in almost everything.  I was sure, 100% sure that God was punishing me for something.  I even told friends I felt that I was being punished for something.  But once I got my head in a better place I realized that it was self punishment.  Once I realized that the Lord wasn’t punishing me, I was able to get my faith back in a lot of things.  More and more of that faith started to rush back to me, and that’s when it hit me.  Not only had I lost my faith in things, but I am sure that others had begun to have less faith in me as well.

I had to tell myself, the Lord doesn’t punish me, just will tap me on the shoulder and say “you are not listening to me” so I stop and listen to the answers even if it is not what I want to hear.  Not all answers to our problems are pleasant ones and most of the time they are never easy either, but the right choice is hardly ever the easy choice.  Having faith back in my life is like having happiness back in my life.  They go hand in hand it seems, even though the hard times I find myself still happy as long as I keep my head up and faith in my heart.

I had lost my faith in being happy ever again, I thought “well this is my life now I better just get used to it.”  I would make dinner, clean, do laundry and all the while being yelled at that it wasn’t good enough.  So as I stopped caring and just stopped doing everything, I still got yelled at but at least I wasn’t doing the work and getting yelled at.  I immersed myself into online games, cause well there everyone seemed to love me.  No one judged me, they were all my friends.  The more distant I got from my problems the bigger and bigger they got.  The bigger they got the more I would pull away.  Again – this snow ball thing I keep going back to.  Why do I keep bringing it up, cause I had more than one snow ball fight going on that’s why.

The people who I thought were my friends were just friends cause I played the game with them, since I have stopped on one cares to check up on me.  I have started to play different games that are not just there to socialize.  Also I have started to play them with people I know in real life and I limit the amount of time I spend online.  It has helped me not spend so much time glued to a computer and have more time to spend with My Hubby.  I think now we can both feel better with the amount of time I spend online. It was something to do while I felt so alone before, now that I am not so “alone” I don’t have such a need for the distraction from reality.

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