Archive for February, 2012


goodnight…

Goodnight step 2 and tomorrow we will say hello to step 3.  I didn’t want to say goodbye to step 2, cause I will never be done with each step.  The steps are something that I will work over and over, I will not get the true meaning the first time.  I know that just like the books I reread or the movies I re-watch, I will pick up something new each time.  I hear it from the members in my home group and I know that is what is in my heart.

So just as I did for step 1, here is my poll for step 2.

If no one has told you they love you today, I love you and God does too!

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I got this story off face book – made me cry for it was a little too close to home.  I almost lost my husband in a separation this summer.

Divorce, Exterior lantern, Restaurant, View

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“When I got home that night as my wife served dinner, I held her hand and said, I’ve got something to tell you. She sat down and ate quietly. Again I observed the hurt in her eyes.

Suddenly I didn’t know how to open my mouth. But I had to let her know what I was thinking. I want a divorce. I raised the topic calmly. She didn’t seem to be annoyed by my words, instead she asked me softly, why?

I avoided her question. This made her angry. She threw away the chopsticks and shouted at me, you are not a man! That night, we didn’t talk to each other. She was weeping. I knew she wanted to find out what had happened to our marriage. But I could hardly give her a satisfactory answer; she had lost my heart to Jane. I didn’t love her anymore. I just pitied her!

With a deep sense of guilt, I drafted a divorce agreement which stated that she could own our house, our car, and 30% stake of my company. She glanced at it and then tore it into pieces. The woman who had spent ten years of her life with me had become a stranger. I felt sorry for her wasted time, resources and energy but I could not take back what I had said for I loved Jane so dearly. Finally she cried loudly in front of me, which was what I had expected to see. To me her cry was actually a kind of release. The idea of divorce which had obsessed me for several weeks seemed to be firmer and clearer now.

The next day, I came back home very late and found her writing something at the table. I didn’t have supper but went straight to sleep and fell asleep very fast because I was tired after an eventful day with Jane. When I woke up, she was still there at the table writing. I just did not care so I turned over and was asleep again.

In the morning she presented her divorce conditions: she didn’t want anything from me, but needed a month’s notice before the divorce. She requested that in that one month we both struggle to live as normal a life as possible. Her reasons were simple: our son had his exams in a month’s time and she didn’t want to disrupt him with our broken marriage.

This was agreeable to me. But she had something more, she asked me to recall how I had carried her into out bridal room on our wedding day. She requested that every day for the month’s duration I carry her out of our bedroom to the front door ever morning. I thought she was going crazy. Just to make our last days together bearable I accepted her odd request.

I told Jane about my wife’s divorce conditions. . She laughed loudly and thought it was absurd. No matter what tricks she applies, she has to face the divorce, she said scornfully.

My wife and I hadn’t had any body contact since my divorce intention was explicitly expressed. So when I carried her out on the first day, we both appeared clumsy. Our son clapped behind us, daddy is holding mommy in his arms. His words brought me a sense of pain. From the bedroom to the sitting room, then to the door, I walked over ten meters with her in my arms. She closed her eyes and said softly; don’t tell our son about the divorce. I nodded, feeling somewhat upset. I put her down outside the door. She went to wait for the bus to work. I drove alone to the office.

On the second day, both of us acted much more easily. She leaned on my chest. I could smell the fragrance of her blouse. I realized that I hadn’t looked at this woman carefully for a long time. I realized she was not young any more. There were fine wrinkles on her face, her hair was graying! Our marriage had taken its toll on her. For a minute I wondered what I had done to her.

On the fourth day, when I lifted her up, I felt a sense of intimacy returning. This was the woman who had given ten years of her life to me. On the fifth and sixth day, I realized that our sense of intimacy was growing again. I didn’t tell Jane about this. It became easier to carry her as the month slipped by. Perhaps the everyday workout made me stronger.

She was choosing what to wear one morning. She tried on quite a few dresses but could not find a suitable one. Then she sighed, all my dresses have grown bigger. I suddenly realized that she had grown so thin, that was the reason why I could carry her more easily.

Suddenly it hit me… she had buried so much pain and bitterness in her heart. Subconsciously I reached out and touched her head.

Our son came in at the moment and said, Dad, it’s time to carry mom out. To him, seeing his father carrying his mother out had become an essential part of his life. My wife gestured to our son to come closer and hugged him tightly. I turned my face away because I was afraid I might change my mind at this last minute. I then held her in my arms, walking from the bedroom, through the sitting room, to the hallway. Her hand surrounded my neck softly and naturally. I held her body tightly; it was just like our wedding day.

But her much lighter weight made me sad. On the last day, when I held her in my arms I could hardly move a step. Our son had gone to school. I held her tightly and said, I hadn’t noticed that our life lacked intimacy. I drove to office…. jumped out of the car swiftly without locking the door. I was afraid any delay would make me change my mind…I walked upstairs. Jane opened the door and I said to her, Sorry, Jane, I do not want the divorce anymore.

She looked at me, astonished, and then touched my forehead. Do you have a fever? She said. I moved her hand off my head. Sorry, Jane, I said, I won’t divorce. My marriage life was boring probably because she and I didn’t value the details of our lives, not because we didn’t love each other anymore. Now I realize that since I carried her into my home on our wedding day I am supposed to hold her until death do us apart. Jane seemed to suddenly wake up. She gave me a loud slap and then slammed the door and burst into tears. I walked downstairs and drove away. At the floral shop on the way, I ordered a bouquet of flowers for my wife. The salesgirl asked me what to write on the card. I smiled and wrote, I’ll carry you out every morning until death do us apart.

That evening I arrived home, flowers in my hands, a smile on my face, I run up stairs, only to find my wife in the bed -dead. My wife had been fighting CANCER for months and I was so busy with Jane to even notice. She knew that she would die soon and she wanted to save me from the whatever negative reaction from our son, in case we push through with the divorce.— At least, in the eyes of our son—- I’m a loving husband….

The small details of your lives are what really matter in a relationship. It is not the mansion, the car, property, the money in the bank. These create an environment conducive for happiness but cannot give happiness in themselves.

So find time to be your spouse’s friend and do those little things for each other that build intimacy. Do have a real happy marriage!

If you don’t share this, nothing will happen to you.

If you do, you just might save a marriage. Many of life’s failures are people who did not realize how close they were to success when they gave up.

 

 

Do You Have the Time?

Do You Have the Time?.

 

I really like this post – take a moment to check it out!  I think we all need to take time in our day to pray, meditate, clear our minds.  I know I need to stop, slow down and listen.  What use is asking the questions (praying) if I don’t stop for the answers (meditation)

another month down…

We are fast approaching the end of February and I am ready for a new month and the next step.  Step two wasCame to believe that a Power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity.”

Looking back I don’t think I touched on the Second tradition at all, so let me take some time to reflect on the second tradition. “For our group purpose there is but one ultimate authority—a loving God as He may express Himself in our group conscience. Our leaders are but trusted servants; they do not govern.”  I feel that I am a trusted servant, who uses the power of words to hopefully bring some hope to someone who might feel very much alone at the moment.  I have been there, I know how it feels.  I feel that my Higher Power gives me the wisdom of the words that flow from my fingertips as they fly across these keys on my laptop keyboard.  This is a bit of my meditation time, a little bit of time I take out of every day to sit and pour my feelings, thoughts and wishes of hope out so that they can reach out to others who might also be in need.  Or I might reach out to someone who could offer insight or experience that I might not have heard other wise.

Part of my healing process is this blog right here, if I can’t sleep cause I have to get something off my chest – I log in and spill it.  Then I can roll over and go right back to sleep.  I know that I do not have all the answers – nor do I need to have them.  All I need to know is that I am only in control of how I react to things, how I let them rent space in my head and how I will let it go and move on.  If you have questions, I may not be able to answer them, I might just be able to point you in the right direction.  Things will not happen over night but they do get easier.  Times are still hard, I still spend a lot of time alone.  He has his program and things that he does to stay sober or just plain work on getting rid of his stress or anger on his own.  I have to except that yes he is sober, yes he still spends time doing other tings with out me, yes I can be strong on my own.  Being alone for me is so scary, I get caught up in my own crazy dark thoughts.  Or if I have a migraine I fear that something bad will happen to me and I will be all alone.

Some people fear other people and I can’t say I blame them.  I am not always comfortable around strangers, but I am VERY uncomfortable being all alone.  I know that he needs his time, I know he likes his classes and his meetings.  I can not have 100% of his time and I guess it hurts a bit because we used to be like that.  But it’s not “we used to” any more, this is my new normal till the next new normal comes around.  It just takes a little time getting used to something different, lord knows my life has been full of change these last few months.

 

If no one has told you they love you today, I love you and God does too!

Arts and crafts…

I have a very creative soul.  I made a crochet book cover for my One Day At A Time in Al-Anon book.  Its lavender with white trim.  I also made a Blue one with white trim for a lady in my home group and a red one with white trim for anyone who wants it. 

If no one has told you they love you today, I love you and God does too!

what a week…

I have been looking into getting a replacement plant for my work desk  – my bamboo plant had finally had enough and died despite all my efforts to keep the poor guy happy.  Now I have a sad little corner of my desk.  So I have been looking for a happy little plant to replace it with.  Now, let me explain that I have to be very careful in my choice of plant.  It is very dark in my room with very little natural light and very, very dim artificial light.  I have a list of dark loving plants that  am going to ask all of my local growers about.  If I can not find one at a good price, or find it at all locally I will be placing an order on amazon (my fav place to shop) I love having plants around me – they bring me such peace.

I would love to do some kind of Bonsai and Beta fish rock garden thing.  Just ger my total serenity zen feeling going on, but I was told that animal captivity is not kosher for office decor.  So back to finding just a plant.  I was also told the fish thing was out do to the fact that I am in IT and work around a lot of computers – liquid and computers are not a good mix, I know this.  But it still doesn’t make me want the fish any less.  I might have to get one for the house, hubby said that I might be able to have one at some point.  Plants that like the dark seem to be more in the fern area.  I found a little one called a lemon fern, I guess when it grows or is touched it smells like lemons – I am sold!  I love the smell of citrus fruit.

Told my boss that I had found a plant that might work to cheer up my little cube of existence, he said since it had a scent I had to clear it with my fellow cube dwellers.  Over the week I was able to get to them all one at a time to ask if a lemon scented fern would bother them, I got a census that contained a unanimous vote to get the plant.  Everyone seemed to like the idea of a cute little lemony fern.  I still have my heart set on a bonsai – might have to get a desk lamp that I can put a glow light in for y new desk plant.  I am not sure a Bonsai would be good for my work, with my bad migraines I never know if I will have to miss a day and would hate for the poor thing to have to go all weekend and then an extra day on-top of that without being watered.  I love my co-workers and do not want to bother them with instructions on how to help me not kill a little bonsai tree.  I think that will be an adventure for being at home.

I had a money tree at home I managed to kill – I over watered it.  It seems I need to have a plant that either needs no water or over watered.  For me, the plants bring me peace and happiness.  They help me unwind and get rid of some stress.  That’s why I want to try my hand at doing Bonsai, it is a bit more of an interaction with the plants then – here is some water, a little bit of sun and maybe some plant food now and then.  I want to have something that I had a bit more interaction with.

Hubby said he doesn’t mind the fish, has not said anything really about the bonsai either.  He seems interested in these air plants I told him about.  They come in kits with glass jars that come with sand or rocks and a plant.  The plant doesn’t need soil or daily watering.  Just a “bath” once a week and they just sit on the sand or rocks or where ever you want to put them.  They just need air flow and sun light.  I think I might do ok with that plant.  Plus if I get into a habit of giving it a “bath” every lets say Sunday – it should be easy to remember to do.

If no one has told you they love you today, I love you and God does too!

Codependency – Part 5

This is a 5 part Post on Co-dependency.

Part 5 of 5

Control patterns:

Codependency: The Game

Codependency: The Game (Photo credit: jasonEscapist)

  • I believe most other people are incapable of taking care of themselves.
  • I attempt to convince others of what they “should” think and how they “truly” feel.
  • I become resentful when others will not let me help them.
  • I freely offer others advice and directions without being asked.
  • I lavish gifts and favors on those I care about.
  • I use sex to gain approval and acceptance.
  • I have to be “needed” in order to have a relationship with others.
  • I demand that my needs be met by others.
  • I use charm and charisma to convince others of my capacity to be caring and compassionate.
  • I use blame and shame to emotionally exploit others.
  • I refuse to co-operate, compromise, or negotiate.
  • I adopt an attitude of indifference, helplessness, authority, or rage to manipulate outcomes.
  • I have obsessive, compulsive thinking patterns and cannot focus on daily activities.
  • I use terms of recovery in an attempt to control the behavior of others.
  • I pretend to agree with others to get what I want.

This goes over most of what I have already talked about.  I didn’t trust others to take care of themselves, I didn’t trust them to take care of me and I wanted to be involved in everything.  I wanted full control but had a had time making decisions.  I wanted to think I had it all together and wanted others to see that too.  But when necessary to get what I wanted, I would use it to my advantage and use the sympathy card.  I would help my husband cover up with drinking to make sure others didn’t think bad of him.  I would take the blame for things vs letting him take the fall.  If he was too “under the weather” to go somewhere, I would just tell them I had a head ache.  Most the time that was not dar from the truth, I did so much while in pain that it had just become a normal state for me.

So in a way – while everyone just wants to be mad at the person with the addiction, it’s a family problem and a lot of us enable or are co-dependant and will never see the signs.  Or even if they do see them, they are unwilling to admit to them.  Remember – that is step one.  Admitting that we have a problem and that our lives had become unmanageable.

If no one has told you they love you today, I love you and God does too!

Codependency – Part 4

This is a 5 part Post on Co-dependency.

Part 4 of 5

Compliance patterns:

  • I compromise my own values and integrity to avoid rejection or others’ anger.
  • I am very sensitive to how others are feeling and feel the same.
  • I am extremely loyal, remaining in harmful situations too long.
  • I value others’ opinions and feelings more than my own and am afraid to express differing opinions and feelings of my own.
  • I put aside my own interests and hobbies in order to do what others want.
  • I accept sex and/or sexual attention when I want love.
  • I am afraid to express my beliefs, opinions, and feelings when they differ from those of others.
  • I make decisions without regard to the consequences.
  • I give up my truth to gain the approval of others or to avoid change.

I knew that what was happening between my husband and I was getting bad, but I was at a loss as to how to fix it.  I would just avoid him rather than talk about what was going on in my head.  I could never talk about my feelings with him because it always was a fight or he would say what I was feeling was stupid.  I was told by a few people that I should just leave him, I said you know what I took a vow.  I took a vow to stay with him through sickness and in health, through good times and bad.  I was willing to stay in a bad situation that was unhealthy for all parties due to that fact that I loved the other person and could not bear the thought of not being with him.  When I reached my breaking point it had gotten so bad that I was not sure there was any way out of the hole we both had been frantically digging.

To be continued…

If no one has told you they love you today, I love you and God does too!

Codependency – Part 3

This is a 5 part Post on Co-dependency.

Part 3 of 5

Avoidance patterns:

  • I act in ways that invite others to reject, shame, or express anger toward me.
  • I judge harshly what others think, say, or do.
  • I avoid emotional, physical, or sexual intimacy as a means of maintaining distance.
  • I allow my addictions to people, places, and things to distract me from achieving intimacy in relationships.
  • I use indirect and evasive communication to avoid conflict or confrontation.
  • I diminish my capacity to have healthy relationships by declining to use all the tools of recovery.
  • I suppress my feelings or needs to avoid feeling vulnerable.
  • I pull people toward me, but when they get close, I push them away.
  • I refuse to give up my self-will to avoid surrendering to a power that is greater than myself.
  • I believe displays of emotion are a sign of weakness.
  • I withhold expressions of appreciation.

I hated to cry in front of people, I was always told not to cry when I was growing up.  I can cry at the drop of a hat though.  I cry at TV commercials, songs on the radio, movies and books.  I cry when I talk about something that i am passionate about, I cry when I am happy, sad, angered and just plain upset.  My Migraines will make me cry and its more from frustration then pain sometimes.  As a child I would sometimes act out just to get attention.  My parents were always so busy with work or my sister, I would crave the attention – even if it was negative.  I would act out to get the attention, then tell everyone how mean they were to get yet more attention.

I think that some of that carried over into my marriage.  My husband had become so consumed by his drinking that he no longer cared to spend time with me.  I would do little things to set him off so at least I could justify why he was ignoring me with his anger.  All the while he was doing the same thing, he would find the smallest thing to be upset about so he could justify his anger and drinking.

To be continued…

If no one has told you they love you today, I love you and God does too!

GOTYE

“In Your Light”

Get up in the morning
I can’t keep it in
I’m falling all over myself
And I could jump out of my skin
Wanna break the door down
Just to greet the day
Coz there ain’t nothing that’s more certain
To keep my blues away

And I say
(La la, hey hey)
And I say
(La la, hey hey)

And it can settle the sadness
And the voices in my head
When I’m in the glow of the warmth you throw
I can put all that to bed

(In your light, just when I’m in your light)
(In your light, just when I’m in your light)
(In your light, just when I’m in your light)
(In your light, just when I’m in your light)
In your light, just when I’m in your light
(In your light, just when I’m in your light)
And I won’t get by if you take that light away
(In your light, just when I’m in your light)

And when you’re smiling on me
That is all I need
To put behind me all my worry
And life’s complexities

It may be only a moment
But the world just falls away
And I forget myself
And everything else
That depressed me yesterday

And I can sing
(La la, hey hey)
Yeah I sing
(La la, hey hey)

When I’m in your light
All of this is clear
If only I could always be just as I am right here
When I’m in your light, just when I’m in your light
And I won’t get by if you take that light away

(La la, hey hey)
(In your light, just when I’m in your light)

When I’m in your light
Nothing brings me down
If only I could always feel just as I do right now
When I’m in your light, just when I’m in your light
And I won’t get by if you take that light away

When I’m in your light
All of this is clear
(In your light, just when I’m in your light)
If only I could always be just as I am right here
(In your light, just when I’m in your light)
In your light, just when I’m in your light
(In your light, just when I’m in your light)
And I won’t get by if you take that light away
(In your light, just when I’m in your light)
No I won’t get by if you take that light away
(In your light, just when I’m in your light)
No I won’t get by if you take that light away

If no one has told you they love you today, I love you and God does too!

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