Ok – Step two says “Came to believe that a Power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity.”  Hubby and I were talking about this step and he said that he felt that the come to was like waking up.  “come to after passing out”  Like he woke up and realized that he needed a higher power in his life.   I would have to agree that I also felt like I had been asleep, or trapped is more like it in this dream of someone else’s life.  Looked like me – sounded like me – but sure didn’t behave like I wanted them to.  I would have this voice in the back of my head that was telling me the right things to do – but my fear or stubbornness would not allow it.  I maintained the course to self destruct mode, it was a lot easier letting someone be the blame behind how I felt.  I felt so bad because I stood by and let it happen.  I let it happen to me, let them get in my head, I internalized the anger and pain.

Just this weekend we had an issue, Hubby realized that he had yelled at me about not doing something he himself had walked past twice and not done it either.  So after yelling at me about it, he just did it and went out to his shop to decompress for a while.  I thought he was just so upset with me that he could not stand to be in the house and blah blah blah – right back into the freak out mode I had been stuck in for years.  He left before the fight could start and before he said something bad.  I took his silence as “OMG the world is coming to an end.”  I do realize that if I had a sponsor, that I could have called her and talked it out – more than likely came to that very thing.  Instead I lost sleep over it, felt like an utter mess for the rest of the weekend until we talked about it last night before bed.  Geesh, why did it take us 24 hours to talk about it?!  He apologized and I admitted to internalizing it.  so, we still have things to work on.  I am just happy that we were both able to see our mistakes and come clean about it.

That step comes a bit later, but I do like being able to recognize when I have done something wrong and promptly apologize for it.

If no one has told you they love you today, I love you and God does too!