Archive for February 14, 2012

Approval vs Validation

The other day I had a conversation about Approval vs Validation.
ap·prov·al [uh-proo-vuhl] noun
1. the act of approving;  approbation.
2. formal permission or sanction.
val·i·date[val-i-deyt] verb, -dat·ed, -dat·ing. make valid;  substantiate; confirm: Time validated our suspicions. give legal force to; legalize. give official sanction, confirmation, or approval to, as elected officials, election procedures, documents, etc.: to validate a passport.
To me approval is something you seek out and validation is something someone gives you.  It’s OK to want the validation, I think that is healthy.  But always seeking approval to my is where the trouble lies.  Trust me when I say that I was one who always looked for approval.  Maybe it’s because I never felt like I did good enough while I was growing up.   They would always make a big deal out of the stuff my younger sister did, even though I felt that what she did was just part of being a kid.  But in a way – them doing that made me be able to self validate a bit more.  I do still find myself seeking that validation and approval.
I will ask my husband if he liked what I made for dinner, or asking if what I have on looks OK.  But when he comes out of the blue and gives me a complement it means much more than after I have asked him about it.  I was also told that if you feel that you absolutely need the validation, like it is just something that you need to have – then ask for it.  Every once in a while we need to be told that we are loved and that we are special.  The other person who you are seeking it from may not know that is something that you need.
Also remember though that the one person who we want the validation from the most – might either not be able to give it to us or might not know how – or simply care not to.  But the best person to get validation from, is our selves.  “Why should I bother to clean the bath room, he will never say thing about it.”  Well clean it because you live there and it makes you happy.  “Why make a healthy dinner when they will just complain about it?”  Cause it whats you want to eat and it’s good for you.

If no one has told you they love you today, I love you and God does too!

We Can’t Think Our Way Sober

“To the intellectually self-sufficient man or woman, many A.A’s can say, “Yes, we were like you- far too smart for our own good…. Secretly, we felt we could float above the rest of the folks on our brain power alone.” (As Bill Sees It, pg. 60)

Wow, if this doesn’t describe me, and almost every addict and alcoholic I know, I don’t know what does. I cannot recall (Full blown honesty here) any time during my use of drugs or alcohol, where I thought I of myself was incapable of beating the addiction on my own. I thought I had it down pat, and that I knew the limits and strains of my body as well as the time and place that I could stop using.

Every addict out there (And if you disagree, you are in a hard level of denial) knows that we have vehemently affirmed that we could stop when we wanted to, only to find that we were back on the bottle, or pill or whatever the particular addiction. We had such polished resolve, and a foundation of surety that we were certain that we were going to stop- yet we found ourselves back at the bottom of the issue, and nearly in trouble if we were not already.

Well, here is some hard facts. We THOUGHT we had control of our lives. We THOUGHT we had managed our addiction and our lives, and we THOUGHT that the way we were doing things was intellectually sufficient. We were dead wrong. Steps 1 and 2 prove this to us in a landslide of evidence, of which to see one needs only to be truthfully introspective. Let us review: (Step 1 was spoken of in great detail, and the focus last month, and Step 2 is the focus of this month)

1. We admitted that we were powerless over alcohol- That our lives had become unmanageable.

2. Came to believe that a Power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity.

So, I’d like to link up how the title of this blog, “We Can’t Think Ourselves Sober” and Step 2 “Came to believe that a Power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity” go hand in hand. If we truly affirm that a Power greater than ourselves can restore us to sanity, then we are affirming that we of ourselves have failed to do so. To the average reader, or one not familiar with the program, you may say “Well Duh!”, but you must understand that when addiction is the focal point of any topic- the obvious solutions become the most obscure and difficult to achieve. Why it is this way to the addict is yet to be fully explained, but rest assured, we addicts will get the picture one day or face the other 3 solutions- Jails, Institutions or Death.

I have never been able to do it on my own, and it was only when I allowed my Higher Power, a.k.a God, to manage things for me when things finally started to change. This should sum it up for me today:

“I came to KNOW that GOD will restore me to sanity…. if I let Him

God Bless You Friends!

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