Sponsor – wow, I have been thinking about this more and more.  Who, where, how, when?  Who should I ask? Where should I ask her? How do I even ask her? When is a good time?  I have a few Ladies in mind from my home group.  One is much older and has been in program for a very long time.  One is a bit older and has been in program for quite a while.  The other one is closer to my age and has been in for a few years – she is also in a similar field of work that I am.

The last one I mentioned was a new comer into my list of possible sponsors, it just came to my mind in the meeting before last.  *sigh* this is very hard for me, I am not sure why.  Oh wait, it’s called a fear of rejection.  I have had this all of my life.  I even asked a boy out at one point, and he said he would think about it.  I asked him when it was just the two of us, well later while he was around all his friends he made it a point to very loudly explain that there was no way in hell that he would ever date someone like me.  Kids can be so mean.  I never really went for anything on my own after that.  My parents were always shooting down what I asked for as well, so why bother wanting anything.

It was not until I met my hubby that I started to get up the courage to ask for things again.  I pursued him!  Even in my marriage I am usually shot down on my ideas, so I just stopped.  Do I still have dreams yes, do I tell people about them, not really.  I wanted to do so many thing in my life but was always told the reasons why I shouldn’t.  Then I got the guts up to go for the Tech support job at my work, and wow wouldn’t ya know I got it!  They have been the best four years of my working experience.  Had I gone for some of the other jobs I had been thinking about this one might not have been available to me so i am glad it worked out the way it did.  And I guess everything happens for a reason, I just sometimes wish it didn’t come with such negative reinforcements.

When bad things happen I have to remember its cause I was not on the path I should be.  I would love to have someone who has been in program and who has worked the step help me walk not so blindly into this sometimes scary new experience.  I had hopped that my husband would have had a sponsor as well, but I can not wait for him to do everything first, I have to do my recovery pan for me.  Cause its my recover plan so i have to work it for me.  i am not here for the alcoholic but because of the alcoholism.  I am here to fix me, I am here to get me better, I am here to make sure tat I can go through life with the tools I need to carry on.

I love my new-found life with my husband, I love that our recovery plans have brought us to this spot where we can talk to one another again.  I feel that to go further in the program, that i need to get a sponsor.  I hear people talk about how they call their sponsor everyday at a specific time, or every other day or they meet up and get coffee…..I would like that.  I would like someone to hold me responsible in my recovery to.  I would like someone to share my milestones with who has been there and understands the struggles.  I hope to one day be able to offer that to someone too.  I have to get through my steps before I can think of that.  I have to live it one day at a time – one step at a time.

so – all I can do is pray about it and ask my higher power to please help me choose a sponsor who will be right for me.

If no one has told you they love you today, I love you and God does too!