He came home from his meeting with a new saying.  He said It would make a good post.  He has some very good ideas and a lot of what I post comes from him.  He said it’s not just about being responsible – it’s about being response able.  While I was in my crazy out of control moments of trying to fix my drinking spouse – I had been forgetting my responsibilities.  I was more concerned with his well-being then mine.  And when I became this crazy person I was no longer response able.  I would either blow up, or bottle it all in and die a little more emotionally.

Yesterday was a test to this very thing.  I started writing this post well over a week ago but for some reason I was having a bit of an issue finding something to say.  I didn’t want to just delete the draft cause I still wanted to post something on it.  But Yesterday on my way home from work I had a bit of an incident.  I am so sore – will be working from home today. After everything settled yesterday hubby had me put a water bottle on the floor boards so I could see that there is no way for it to get under the pedal so I know not to freak out the next time.  Had I known this prior to yesterday Dora (yes my ford explorer is named Dora) would not have a very sad pout at the moment.  He also had me prove that if it had gotten under the pedal I could have smashed it with pushing hard enough on the pedal.  For my readers who ever fear this I suggest you check to see where it would roll on your car so this doesn’t happen to you. Lesson learned, no one was hurt.  I hope that the young man who I hit can forgive me, it was not my intention to hit him and I hope that everything goes OK with the repair of their car. May my higher power forgive me and help me over come this.

When I called my husband to inform him that I had in fact just rear-ended someone – he turned right back into Mr Hyde.  He said some very mean things on the phone before we hung up.  I realized that he never even asked if I was ok.  We exchanged information cause do to a reduction in funds, the police will not come out unless there is an injury.  I got a call into start farm to put in the claim and to get a tow.  Dora was drivable except I had cut the trans cooler line.  I have free towing so it was not a big deal, just had to wait for the wrecker.  My dad was not too far away so I called him and he waited with me.

The tow truck showed up and I got another call from my husband.  He was calmer and asked if I needed a ride, I said no dad is here and so is the truck.  We hung up and then he called me while dad and I were getting on the freeway to go home.  He apologized for losing his mind and yelling at me, he also said he was sorry for not asking if I was OK.  He got home and looked at Dora, he can fix her up so I am not too worried.  most of it was just cosmetic and its looks like a bumper and grill is in order.  He will know more once he gets all the parts off.  If it’s just that I have to drive for a while without a front bumper – I have no problem with that.

He felt really bad that at the first test he had a little it of a fit and had the “old” him show back up.  He recovered rather quickly and was able to make an amends – he would have never done that before, I would still be hearing about how bad of a drive I was had he still been drinking.  I am not a bad driver, I had a tire blow up last year that most people, including my husband said they would have flipped a lifted explorer over on it side.  I didn’t panic or freak out and kept her upright.  OK – so I was able to pull that off, yet a damn water bottle caused me to rear-end someone who looked no more than 16 years old.  *shakes her head*

want to hear how the lord works in weird, and sometimes very messed up ways?  My husband had gotten his very large and very cool air compressor yesterday.  He had been waiting for like 4 weeks now to get it.  They put it in the back of his truck fr him and he was not sure how he was going to get it out of his monster truck when he got home.  My dad had planned on being at our house to help him with it so that worked out that he was bringing me home anyways.  That’s not the strange thing though.  The air compressor weighed about 450lbs – and it was all at the top of the darn thing with is about as tall as I am.  There was no way that my dad and my husband could have gotten that thing out of my husbands big lifted truck.

The tow truck driver was more than happy to help once Dora was unloaded.  The boys tried to kill themselves getting the darn thing off the crate, so I am glad they didn’t attempt to remove it from the bed of the truck.  So had my higher power been looking out for me in a strange and messed up way – maybe.  Nothing just happens – it all happens for a reason.  We might not like it, but it is what it is.  Not ever cloud has a silver lining.  I guess I had been living on this pink cloud of recovery, that everything in life was just peachy.  We I fell off and hit my knees.  But you know what I did?  In stead of my old ways of wallowing in guilt and pain, I got up, dusted myself off and took on my responsibilities.

I was able to be response able and took care of calling the insurance, my own tow truck and I even called 911 before I got out of the truck.  Freaking out was not going to solve anything – so I kept calm and dealt with it.  My husband and I are still ok, we were able to talk about it and both say we were sorry and still loved each other.

So if you are living with a recovering person, remember that they still will have a little bit of that “stikin thinkin” going on but the amends should be right around the corner, have faith and have love and remember – you are not alone.

 

If no one has told you they love you today – I love you and God does too!

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