Archive for May, 2012


I asked God …

I asked God

I asked God to take away my habit.
God said, No.
It is not for me to take away, but for you to give it up.

I asked God to make my handicapped child whole.
God said, No.
His spirit is whole, his body is only temporary

I asked God to grant me patience.
God said, No.
Patience is a byproduct of tribulations; it isn’t granted, it is learned.

I asked God to give me happiness.
God said, No.
I give you blessings; Happiness is up to you.

I asked God to spare me pain.
God said, No.
Suffering draws you apart from worldly cares and brings you closer to me.

I asked God to make my spirit grow.
God said, No.
You must grow on your own! But I will prune you to make you fruitful.

I asked God for all things that I might enjoy life.
God said, No.
I will give you life, so that you may enjoy all things.

I ask God to help me LOVE others, as much as He loves me.
God said…Ahhhh, finally you have the idea.

 

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4th step work continues…

 

Let me once again say how wonderful yet exhausting fourth step work is.  It feels wonderful to get this all out, and diving this far into myself has proven to be a getting to know myself experience.  Who knew that the child i once was could shed light on the women i have become.  There are things i have done or said that i am not proud of.  Yet there is a lot yet to be uncovered that i can be proud of.  Layer by layer i am exposing those things i hid even from myself.  I justified my thoughts and actions to myself, and in doing so made myself the codependent person that is now beginning to heal and change.  This time is going to be a roller coaster of emotions and discovery.  Please be patient with me as i go on this journey. As my mood might be a bit unstable at times.  Its a lot to deal with.

 

In going through the blue print for progress book, I have learned something about myself that I never saw. Like how the kids in school treated me. I used to lie to my parents to stay home saying I was sick. And I was sick, sick and tired of getting picked on. I had a perm, braces and glasses – you tell me how the kids treated me. I hated school, wanted to grow up and get out of there. I used to tell lies about things that would make the kids like me better – or hate me so they would leave me alone. I was bullied, but back then it was just kids being kids. I was different and that’s all they needed. My parents had rules and yes I thought they were bad then and over protective, but looking back – I am glad they did it. The only thing I can say about my childhood is – it was very lonely at times. I spent a lot of time alone, I didn’t mind it sometimes, but I really missed my mom and dad. When I was at home it was all about my sister and my mom. My mom was very, very ill all of my life, and my sister almost died being born. She was born blue and not breathing. So he was treated a bit different than I was.

I spent a lot of time with my great grandparents due to my mother being so sick and my dad working all the time. I know they taught me a lot of things and might be why I think like an old soul sometimes. They were in their 70’s and here I was just a baby spending time with them.  I don’t want to show my parents in a bad light. I know they loved me, I know they were doing the best they could. But I still feel that the way I grew up was very one-sided, and it was never my side. I started to act out just to get my parents to look at me. If I got bad grades they would have to sit with me and do my homework. If I talked back or didn’t do things, they would have to talk to me to tell me what I did wrong. as messed up as that sounds, its how i felt I could get attention. My dad’s parents were also a big part of my life. I always felt that my grandmother never cared for me. She spent a lot more time with my sister. She did take me and my bff to the movies, but not much else was just her and I.

Now my grandfather on the other hand was my buddy. Dad and I didn’t get really close till pop died. I mean I was always my dad’s pal around buddy, but pop and I were always together. He taught me to paint and how to fish, told me all kids of stories that I remember to this day. He loved to play with things, and I think that is where I get my techy side from. He was on the development team for the first GPS in the military. When pop died, I hated the word – they took the only person I felt who loved me no matter what i did. My great-grandmother loved me no matter what too – but that was a different bond. The day they told us he had passed away, my dad cried on my shoulder – at that moment I had become my father’s little girl. I am almost 30 and still call him daddy! As an adult I feel much closer to my parents that for sure. I no longer have to go round with them. I still feel that they lean more to taking care of my sister than me, but I have to learn to let go of the selfishness.y

We all went to the movie theater for mother’s day, I think my mom had a good day.  Dad got us all tickets for Dark Shadows, Very good flick.  I hope all the mothers out there had a wonderful day!

I love my parents so very much.

If no one has told you they love you today, I love you and God does too.

Happy mothers day

 

She used to run her fingers through my hair when i was sick or my head hurt.  She used to lightly rub my back to put me to sleep.  She would make us breakfast before school everyday even with a full time job and going to school.  To my mommy whom i will always love cherish and idolize.

 

When did a child’s birthday party go from being all about them to all about how much the parents can drink till someone falls and sends shards of glass all over the are where the children are playing?  Since when was a child tossing water balloons become an excuse for the adults to spray them with the garden hose till they were crying or having a difficult time breathing?  I have been bothered by the so-called “birthday parties” that my friends have had for their children.  I remember them being very different when I was a kid.

No one drank, no one punished us for having fun. The parents who stayed at the party would play games with us or just cook and set up the games for us.  We played outside, we tossed water balloons – where the goal was not to break them open.  It was 100% all about us kids, not a drinking party for the adults.  I never remember my parents inviting THEIR friends over to our parties – if they had kids or not.

My husband and I were talking about how we are going to do it for Baby Girl (that’s how we refer to the daughter we have yet to adopt, more on that later) I have no idea what happened differently with some of my adult friends and how they think that the parties they have are the way a CHILD”S party should be set up.  After talking with my husband about how their parties were growing up, I now see the effects that drinking has on these social events.  Hubby said that his parents and their friends would treat them the same way.  The kids could not have anywhere near the same amount of fun as the adults – they would put a stop to it in a heart beat if that was the case.  They were always looking for ways to out do the kids, or just plain ruin their fun.  If they could upset the kids to the point of making them cry or want to go to their rooms, they felt they had done something good for themselves.

I wanted to cry, tell my husband that a child should never EVER have to go through life like that, but I can not change how his parent were to him as a child.  All I can do is be there for him and let him tell all the haunting stories of how his childhood was.  It was way left field from mine – or was it.  Alcohol was not a part of my child hood, but that doesn’t mean I wasn’t bullied…to be continued.

 

If no one has told you they love you today, I love you and God does too.

 

 

My 4th step progress.

Writing a fearless and moral inventory of one’s self is a big step.  After a long busy day at work, a migraine and a rain storm I drove home in – writing about everything I have done or do is cleansing yet exhausting at the same time.  This is a much needed step, and I feel much better already.  Even though I have merely scratched the surface.  Thanks to a hand cramp, becoming sore from sitting in an odd position and pure exhaustion, I have done all i care to do for the rest of the night of my step 4.

It’s not a race and its all on my time, so I don’t feel bad about how far I still have to go.  I am proud of how far I have come thus far with this step.  If I dwell on the negative all the time, the good things in life don’t get their time to shine.  Negative soil will never grow positive things.  So i will be putting positive thoughts into my days and into my feelings.

If no one has told you they love you today, I love you and God does too.

*Written on my android wordpress app*

 

SARA EVANS LYRICS

“What That Drink Cost Me”

He drove off in his pickup truck
To meet his buddies for a few more beers
I said baby I’ll come pick you up
He never called so I waited here
Til all my worst fears came true
And I heard the knock at the door
Telling me he ain’t coming back no more
Blue lights flashed and I fell to the floor

And I lost a good man
To a bad habit
He didn’t love the whiskey
He just had to have it
If you could put a price tag
On everything that haunts me
Than you’d know
What that drink cost me

Use to be I’d pour it out
Every drop down the kitchen sink
So many nights I’d scream and shout
Even tried to hide his keys
Oh I tried everything
To keep him from going down that road
In my heart just let him go
But you can’t stop a hellbent soul

And I lost a good man
To a bad habit
He didn’t love the whiskey
He just had to have it
If you could put a price tag
On everything that haunts me
Then you’d know
What that drink cost me

I cried a tear for every drop
That turned a hero into a coward
And I’d give anything
For just one happy hour

Cause I lost a good man
To a bad habit
He didn’t love the whiskey
He just had to have it
If you could put price tag
On everything that haunts me
Then you’d know
What that drink cost me
Yes you’d know
What that drink cost me

He drove off in his pickup truck
To meet his buddies for a few more beers

 

Put Down The Drink

My husband heard this song the other day and found it for me on youtube.  I had to share this with you!

Emphatic – Put Down The Drink

  • Baby, put down the drink
  • And baby, put down the bottle
  • You’re startin’ to sink
  • And when you’re down on your knees, it’s so hard to swallow
  • Your heart is beatin’ like a loaded gun
  • What’s done is done and you’re spinnin’ in circles
  • Where’s the girl that I used to know?
  • Why did you let her go? You know I loved her so
  • It’s never any more than one for me
  • But always two or three for you
  • Baby, put down the drink
  • Baby, put down the bottle
  • You’re startin’ to sink
  • And when you’re down on your knees, it’s so hard to swallow
  • I don’t want to see it go this way
  • Feelin’ like tomorrow is just a yesterday
  • I hate the way it is and to tell you the truth
  • It’s killin’ me and it’s killin’ you
  • I can’t stand all the ups and downs
  • The back and forths and the ’round and ’rounds
  • The in and outs of the slammin’ doors
  • It’s tearin’ me apart, I can’t take no more
  • It’s never any more than one for me
  • But always two or three for you
  • Baby, put down the drink
  • Baby, put down the bottle
  • You’re startin’ to sink
  • And when you’re down on your knees, yeah, it’s so hard to swallow
  • I want us back like we were before
  • Not like the broken glass lyin’ on the floor
  • Baby, put down the drink
  • (Put down the drink)
  • Baby, put down the bottle
  • (Put down the bottle)
  • It feels like it’s all slippin’ away
  • I wish I had you like it has you
  • It feels like it’s all slippin’ away
  • I wish I had you
  • Baby, put down the drink
  • Baby, put down the bottle
  • You’re startin’ to sink
  • And you get high when you’re down, but I’m watchin’ you fall
  • So baby, put down the drink
  • Baby, put down the bottle
  • You’re startin’ to sink
  • And when you’re down on your knees, yeah, it’s so hard to swallow
  • I want us back like we were before
  • Not like the broken glass lyin’ on the floor
  • Baby, put down the drink
  • Put down the bottle
  • (When you’re down on your knees, it’s so hard to swallow)
  • Put down the drink
  • Put down the bottle
  • Your heart is beatin’ like a loaded gun
  • What’s done is done
  • And you’re spinning in circles

So tired…most nights I…

it always right when I get comfy with all three dogs in bed and get settled and hubby just falls asleep.  I have to go pee.  So I have to push dogs out of my way to get up and go to the bathroom.  I get back into bed and start the process of getting comfy again started, then I realize I left a light on somewhere.  So I get back up and turn the light off. Back into bed again and now Dozer decides he has to go pee.  Back up again for this mama.  I get settled again and hubby wakes up and asks me why I am still up…lol  this is most nights in my home.  Lol

12_steps_of_aa-080131a

12_steps_of_aa-080131a (Photo credit: beachblogger42)

So tonight we traveled to another town and went to a  speaker AA meeting that we had been invited to attend.  It was a meeting to celebrate the 41st anniversary(also knows as a birthday) of the sweetest lady I have ever met.  It was nice to hear the story of how she came to be an AA.  I say an AA now after hearing a member of that meeting speak.  It was almost as if my Higher power had sent me to this very meeting to answer a question I had on this very day.

As I was getting ready to make the 22 mile drive tonight with my husband, I thought about how I would introduce myself.  Am I in Al-Anon or am I an Al-Anon.  Well, wouldn’t you know that a man at this very meeting would talk about just that.  Is it in AA or an AA.  He said that he felt that if you wanted AA only in your head – then you were just in AA and not fully in it for your recovery.  If the recovery was in your heart, then you were an AA.  So I was feeling the same way then.  To me I am an Al-Anon and not just in Al-Anon.

But I digress, Hearing how this couple had been together and both of them AA for 41 years now – it was beyond words.  To hear of people speak of them in the kindest of love, how their home and hearts are always open, how even after all these years – they walk to and from the meetings hand in hand.  It brought tears to my eyes.

Holding that chip that said 41 in roman numerals on the front had such a power to it.  As that coin made it around the room, each member touching it, holding it and each one adding thoughts of hope and prayers for one day being there them selves.  It really made me feel this blessed sensation.  Once I heard the respective years of sobriety starting to be expressed from each member – the numbers rolled around in my head.  There were hundreds of years in the very room.

Hearing the serenity pray being said by that many gave me the chills.  Then after the meeting when we all stood and held hands, you could just feel the love for one another come pouring through each set of hands.  And then we said the lords prayer, it sounded unlike any lords prayer I had ever taken part in.  No one was somber, no one was standing there cause they felt they had to.  We thanked our God, As we understood him, and all the voices in that room sounded calm, clear and proud.  It made me proud just to be standing there with them.

AA meeting sign

AA meeting sign (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

The community that I have found myself in now is heart warming.  These folks welcome you with open minds and hearts – and almost always open arms.  I am a hugger through and through – and is a good thing I am because withing the walls of AA and Al-Anon you will get all the hugs you want.

 

If no one has told you they love you today, I love you and God does too!

 

 

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