Archive for May 15, 2012


4th step work continues…

 

Let me once again say how wonderful yet exhausting fourth step work is.  It feels wonderful to get this all out, and diving this far into myself has proven to be a getting to know myself experience.  Who knew that the child i once was could shed light on the women i have become.  There are things i have done or said that i am not proud of.  Yet there is a lot yet to be uncovered that i can be proud of.  Layer by layer i am exposing those things i hid even from myself.  I justified my thoughts and actions to myself, and in doing so made myself the codependent person that is now beginning to heal and change.  This time is going to be a roller coaster of emotions and discovery.  Please be patient with me as i go on this journey. As my mood might be a bit unstable at times.  Its a lot to deal with.

 

In going through the blue print for progress book, I have learned something about myself that I never saw. Like how the kids in school treated me. I used to lie to my parents to stay home saying I was sick. And I was sick, sick and tired of getting picked on. I had a perm, braces and glasses – you tell me how the kids treated me. I hated school, wanted to grow up and get out of there. I used to tell lies about things that would make the kids like me better – or hate me so they would leave me alone. I was bullied, but back then it was just kids being kids. I was different and that’s all they needed. My parents had rules and yes I thought they were bad then and over protective, but looking back – I am glad they did it. The only thing I can say about my childhood is – it was very lonely at times. I spent a lot of time alone, I didn’t mind it sometimes, but I really missed my mom and dad. When I was at home it was all about my sister and my mom. My mom was very, very ill all of my life, and my sister almost died being born. She was born blue and not breathing. So he was treated a bit different than I was.

I spent a lot of time with my great grandparents due to my mother being so sick and my dad working all the time. I know they taught me a lot of things and might be why I think like an old soul sometimes. They were in their 70’s and here I was just a baby spending time with them.  I don’t want to show my parents in a bad light. I know they loved me, I know they were doing the best they could. But I still feel that the way I grew up was very one-sided, and it was never my side. I started to act out just to get my parents to look at me. If I got bad grades they would have to sit with me and do my homework. If I talked back or didn’t do things, they would have to talk to me to tell me what I did wrong. as messed up as that sounds, its how i felt I could get attention. My dad’s parents were also a big part of my life. I always felt that my grandmother never cared for me. She spent a lot more time with my sister. She did take me and my bff to the movies, but not much else was just her and I.

Now my grandfather on the other hand was my buddy. Dad and I didn’t get really close till pop died. I mean I was always my dad’s pal around buddy, but pop and I were always together. He taught me to paint and how to fish, told me all kids of stories that I remember to this day. He loved to play with things, and I think that is where I get my techy side from. He was on the development team for the first GPS in the military. When pop died, I hated the word – they took the only person I felt who loved me no matter what i did. My great-grandmother loved me no matter what too – but that was a different bond. The day they told us he had passed away, my dad cried on my shoulder – at that moment I had become my father’s little girl. I am almost 30 and still call him daddy! As an adult I feel much closer to my parents that for sure. I no longer have to go round with them. I still feel that they lean more to taking care of my sister than me, but I have to learn to let go of the selfishness.y

We all went to the movie theater for mother’s day, I think my mom had a good day.  Dad got us all tickets for Dark Shadows, Very good flick.  I hope all the mothers out there had a wonderful day!

I love my parents so very much.

If no one has told you they love you today, I love you and God does too.

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