Archive for July, 2012


Visited my mom today in the hospital…they said it could have been an “unidentified  infection” what ever that means.  She is on a medication used to treat cancer that could cause infections to be extremely bad.  She had an infection a few weeks ago and took antibiotics. But maybe it wasn’t enough.  At this point they seem lost.  I heard the dr ask my mom what she thought caused it…WTF…Thats your job jack wagon.  Sorry, but i am a bit fed up with her doctors at this moment.    Still in ICU, she might be able to go to a regular room tomorrow.

Prayers needed…

So last night my dad had to take my mom to Urgent care – But I got a text this morning that they put her in ICU.  Her blood pressure is very low and I guess she passed out sometime last night.  My poor dad has been there all night long.  I went into work today because I am not sure how to handle these situations.  You would think that after a life time of dealing with your mom being in the hospital every few months that I would be a pro at this, but not so much.  They would ship us off to be with the grandparents while they dealt with mom being sick.  And that is more than understandable.  I remember once as a kid, little kid, I called the operator and asked her to find my mom cause I missed her – I didn’t get very far with that, but I remember crying on the phone begging them to get my mom on the phone.

I try so hard to keep healthy, I try my damnedest to eat right and get some kind of cardio in 3 times a week.  I also feared that if I got sick like my mom that my husband would leave me.  I don’t have that fear as much any more, one because he is no longer drinking and understands my illness like I am understanding of his.  And two, because I try so very hard to take care of myself, where my mom really hasn’t.  She doesn’t eat right, she doesn’t always listen to what we say or what the Dr’s say.

My husband was very compassionate this morning and gave me a big long hug, it was just what I needed.  I love my mom very much and I need her in my life.  I have not even made her a grandmother yet.  I have so many things lift in my life that I will need her for, I need the Dr’s to stop pumping her full of drugs that cause more issues than they help.  I am praying for her to get well as much as I can and ask that if you can find it in your hearts to pray for my mom’s recovery, please do.

I felt bad after I wrote my last post, it seemed to make my husband sad.  I didn’t mean it as a bad post, like I was bashing him.  I know that he is still going to have moments where he shows the alcoholic that he still is, and I also know that he is a loving caring person and he is a work in progress.  We both are, is about progress not perfection.  I was just trying to express that I was still a bit lonely and know that he has to deal with things in his own way.

I love my husband more than words can even say.  I never want to show him in a bad light, cause the person he is now is not the person he used to be.


If no one has told you they love you today, I love you and God does to0!

What a summer so far…


It has been quite a summer.  We are still in our rainy season and the storms have hit hard in some parts of town.  They have been playing havoc with my migraines and I have had a lot more down time that I would like.  There have been some people in our life lately who have been more negative than positive and i am starting to thin out my facebook friends list and my phone contact list.

I have also been without internet at my house for about a week now so most of my surfing has been from my phone or while at work.  If my post have been a bit scarce and short that has been why.  Also have been working on my fourth step a lot and taking some classes.

Had to take my boxer to the vet on friday due to an allergic reaction to either the grass in the yard or a bug bite.  My hubby cut down the grass this morning so I hope that helps up my puffer dog.  We went through this last summer too.  I have also had to work some weekends, like i will have to work this Saturday to prep for a software change over.

My husband has been spending a lot of time working on a sandrail we traded his quad for.  Its been an uphill battle for him and has been a pandora’s box of fun.  I go through moments when i get depressed over the amount of time he spends with it vs with me.  But i have to remember that he needs his own time as well.  I just wish I could a little of the time for us time.

Before the sandrail it was his truck, he used to go out there and drink so maybe i feel like he is back to his old time issues without the drink.  But he is getting stuff down vs just drinking like he was before.  We used to spend every Friday night as date night, we have not done that in a very long time.  I am not asking for much, just one evening with no car stuff, just him and I, a movie and dinner.  Its not like i am even asking for a whole day.

We used to make breakfast on sundays, have not done that in a few weeks either.  I guess i just honestly miss my husband and am unsure how to express it to him without sounding needy.  I drop hints, but then i usually get upset and i ruin the time he does want to spend with me cause I am all weepy.

We got in a bit of a fight when i took Dozer to the vet cause it was very stormy that night and i was 45 mins from the house and he was worried about us being out in the storms.  I wish he would have voiced concern more than anger, but he is still a work in progress.  Its not about perfection its about progress.  And i have to remember that.  I should have waited for him to get home but i got there before 6pm so i didn’t get an emergency charge.

I still feel a bit of loss in my heart over not having a child yet at this point in our life, but our money situation still is not good and we seem to still be in a bit of a hole.  I know that fostering will help us cause they give us money for the care of the child, but we still have work to do on the house and our marriage.  We are in a much better place in our marriage than we ever have been, but it is still a work in progress too.

My husband is still moody and selfish sometimes and i have to make sure i don’t take anything out on him that is out of his control.  Going to meetings and talking with others has helped.

There are still toxic people in my life i have to deal with daily and its part of my own struggle not to let their toxic actions poison my life.

If no one has told you they love you today, I love you and God does to.


Balanced Happy Life…

The following is a classic explanation of The Non-Attainable nature of a “Balanced Happy Life”.

The scene is Athens -400 BC- a bunch of local brainiacs have gotten together,wine is being passed and ideas are flowing fast and furiously.

Socrates has the floor, and the debate is in full force.  Alcibiades enters, drunk, an Adonis man hopelessly in love with his mentor(Socrates).  And uniquely in all their dialogues, Socrates doesn’t get the last world, Alcibiades does.

WHY? Because passion Plato seems to be saying is essentially and mercilessly human. And the best we can do is to quell it , through relentless discipline.  According to Socrates healthy life comprises of constant focus by the individual, to exercise those forces that weaken or confuse his understanding of the world around him, he implores us to devote to this kind of control, meaning our every waking moment.

Socrates recognized what every philosopher and religion for that matter in the history of the world from Plato-Aristotle, from Epicurus to Judo-Christians to the Buddhists have all observed :-

Which is that the “BALANCE NEEDED FOR HAPPY LIFE IS ILLUSORY”.  And as soon as in our generously flawed human way we think we have attained it, we are pretending divinity and going to crash like a flaming meteorite into the sea.

Toxic people = Toxic waste…

Image representing Facebook as depicted in Cru...

Image via CrunchBase

I love how people can not talk to you over something that happened – yet talk to people who still to this day are toxic.  Oh, that’s probably because they still partake in toxic behavior themselves.  I think I need to do some FB house cleaning.  If I would not want you in my home, why do I let you look into my life through Facebook.  Not happy about a few things right now and will take some time to decide whats worth getting upset over, whats worth just walking away from.  If you have not made any effort to see if you “friend” is ok in well over 6 months – then whats the point of calling me your good friend.  Yes, I mention God, Yes I mention Serenity, Sobriety, Faith, Love, Happiness and The Fact that I love my husband with all my heart.  Some people would rather live Toxic, self-pity filled destructive lives – not even sure if you can call it living really.  And I have been there – I was on that train to no where, I got off and I have never looked back.  I guess that now with almost 7 months of recovery and working on my 4th step – I can look at who I want in my life, and who I don’t.  Bryan and I are also going to push forward with fostering – and if you are toxic, I don’t want you around my child.  I have to think about the people who will potentially be in her life.  Not saying that only sober people can be in my life – but I am finding that the ones who are Toxic and unwilling to better their lives just make me go down that path of being crazy again.  I will no longer harm my serenity or state of mind just to watch you slowly kill your self.

Doing step work has taken a lot of my time lately – also my fourth step has taken a lot of my mental energy away from me.  Not making excuses as to why I have not been here that often my faithful readers, just letting you into whats been going on lately.  I had to dive deep into myself and look at who I really was.  I didn’t like the person I was there for a while.  Today I can look myself in the eyes in the mirror because I know I am trying my best.  Work has also been very busy, I have been working long hours and even a Saturday here and there.

For those of you who have been reading this a while, you know that I suffer from migraines.  Well one of my triggers is weather.  Right now in the southern part of Arizonawe are going

Humphreys Peak from I-40 in Arizona

Humphreys Peak from I-40 in Arizona (Photo credit: dherrera_96)

through our rainy season called Monsoon.  The storms build very fast and they are very strong – this causes my head to all of a sudden feel as if it will explode.  If you have migraines you might be able to understand when I say this – it feels like every nerve in my head fires at once in a pulsing pattern.  That keeps me from writing a lot lately as well.

We watched the movie “My name is Bill W” with James Woods that was made in 1989 – I highly recommend this movie!  I cried, I laughed, I could not believe that man lived through what he had done to his body.  I also gained some new insight into the mind of my husband.

There is also a new Movie out that is called “Bill W” and it is more of a documentary about the co-founder of AA.  It is playing in my hometown in Aug, and we are going to try to get a group of people together to go see it.

as part of my new self, I am going to try to put aside time everyday to come here and share some things that are going on – in order to keep my serenity I have to share it.  As Bill W said – he had to share it to keep it, and that’s what I have to do as well.  I feel better after a meeting, I feel better after getting things out on here – I feel better after talking to people about things going on in my life.  I need to find a sponsor and I know that when I am ready and when the right person is in my life that my higher power will tell me.  I pray about it everyday so I know he will guide me.

If no one has told you they love you today, I love you and God does too!




I am heart broken…


very sad day for the Barnes family – my heart and prayers go out to you – I can not express how my heart breaks for them.  This sweet dog was kept in a cell for 2 years for no reason and then was put to sleep just because he was a bulldog mix – they considered it to be a pit bull type breed so he was killed and they didn’t let the family see him or collect his body.  the 7-year-old lab bull-dog mix had a sweet gentle personality yet they killed him anyways.  in 7 years he never hurt a soul, they just killed him.  after being begged to let him be transferred to the US they denied this sweet baby his life.  Belfast City Council – you have shown no mercy, no heart, no kindness at all.  I hope the family relocates and is able to heal from this tragic event.  If you are the praying type of person, please join me, my husband, Dozer, Portia and Gizmo is Praying for this family and for the eternal rest of poor sweet Lennox.  RIP you sweet boy – your family tried their best – the whole world tried to free you – I never knew you but love you just as I do my own babies.  PLEASE – do not judge a breed for rumors of what some have done.  They skip stories of poodles and other “family” dogs biting kids and hurting owners.  A dog is only as nasty as we make them.  If showered with love, and snuggled and cuddled – they can be the sweetest things.  I have a 60lbs lap dog, Dozer my boxer who is the biggest baby.  I made him that way.  Abused, neglected dogs, or dogs who were made to fight other dogs – those poor souls were mistreated by the ones who were supposed to love and care for them.  They are a product of their environment and we treat an entire breed badly for it.  I have learned that people will act the way they were raised and so will animals – they don’t know any different.  They killed this poor creature just because he is a “type” of dog that they considered dangerous – not from the actions of the animal.


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