A story has no beginning or end; arbitrarily one chooses that moment of experience from which to look back or from which to look ahead. – Graham Greene, The End of the Affair (1951)

Felt like this was a good quote to start my day off with.  Yesterday was 100 days till I hit 30.  I feel a little depressed about this birthday.  Why? Good Question!  It took a little digging into my 4th step and also into these 52 pages of questions for the foster/adoption center.  I had all these ideas of what turning 30 meant when I was younger.  I was planning my wedding, buying a house and I was 20.

So – almost 10 years ago I had all these grand plans and goals for myself.  After we were married, after we moved into our first home, after all the newness wore off – I was on this race course called my 20’s.

Lets take a look at my 20 shall we.

  • 20 – 2003  Got married. Bought a House. Bought a ’97 suburban.  Made a plan to be a mom by the time I was 30. Quit smoking after a few years of being a heavy smoker.   6 months before the wedding I totaled my ’86 Toyota pickup.
  • 21 – 2004  I can Drink!  oh wait, I really don’t like to.  Oh look we have quads – lets take them out and have some fun – and we did.  I think we took a family trip to new Mexico this year.  started a new job at a radiology firm.
  • 22 – 2005  Not much happened this year that I can remember.  We did buy a new truck.  A ’05 Super Duty F350 2wd.  Oh and my little sis finished High School
  • 23 – 2006  for some reason 23 was scary for me.  I was no longer 21 and not yet 25.  it seemed to me that no one took me serious at this age.  I stopped telling people how old I was.  It was like they
    just all of a sudden treated me like the rest of the crazy 23 year olds who I wanted nothing to do with – I was married, owned a home and was looking forward to being a mom soon. (we already decided to adopt before we were even married) November of this year I changed from being in scheduling for the Radiology firm to being in Tech Support.
  • 24 – 2007  Eh …I don’t remember much about this year.  a lot of friends moved away and I was starting to become a very unhappy person and my migraines really started to take a toll on me and my whole life.  I was just not in a good place.  I have now been at the same company for 4 years and love it!
  • 25 – 2008  I had a big birthday bash at my in-law’s.  It was sad that I didn’t even have my own parents there cause I wanted to be free to smoke and party it up.  Oh yeah – somewhere in one of those past years we started to smoke again.  oops!  Invited a few of my work peeps and their better-hales.  I was a lot of fun but my In-laws made it all about them – like always.  I started to get worried about hubby’s drinking – but kept my mouth shut.
  • 26 – 2009  Right before my birthday we traded in our ’05 super duty F350 in and a ’08 super duty F250 4×4 and the first thing we did was take it to Bowie, AZ with the quads for a family trip.  We have been taking the quads out for both of our birthdays for the past few years.  This summer we had a falling out with my In-laws (all my fault of course) and have not talked to them since.  We bought a toy hauler RV and took it out to Bowie for a test run.  We also took it to St David, AZ for a test run to make sure it worked OK.  They gave us a free trip just to go do that.  Again I was a little worried about how much hubby drank, but with how angry we was becoming – I didn’t dare say anything.
  • 27 – 2010  This year we got to pick out a 3 day old pair of Boxer puppies.  We fell in love with them and were there every other day from then on till it was time to take them home.  Very tragically, the little girl Boxer pup we had picked out passed away at 4 weeks old.  But the little boy who stoke my heart was getting bigger by the day and we were able to take him home at 8 weeks.  He lost 7 siblings – there were only 3 little boys left by the time they hit 4 weeks old.
  • 28 – 2011  this year was a hard one.  Hubby reached his bottom.  Had to go through a diversion program, that meant anger management, substance abuse classes and AA.  We were separated for a few months and I was going down the tracks on a crazy train.  Thank God for that Dec – I found Al-Anon and things back to where we needed to be.
  • 29 – 2012  Here were are.  This year still has a little bit of time left.  All those years spent wanting to be a mom – looking into adoption.  I knew in the back of my head that with hubby drinking the way he was that we could not be parents yet.  But now that he is sober, I am not actively co-dependent – now is the time to look at adoption again.  Oh wait – we can do fostering to adopt.  I like that idea.

2012 is not over yet so 29 is not done yet either.  I still have somethings I need to do before I turn 30.  I may not be a mom yet – but at least we are starting the process.  I can’t put times on my goals like that anymore.  It just makes me mad and depressed.  I still have goals, but not going to put unreachable time restraints on things anymore.  It just sets myself up for failure, I am really tired of failures.  I need some good things to happen in my life.

And I am thankful, don’t get me wrong.  I am thankful for my family, I am thankful for my furry kids, my health, hubby’s health, a roof over my head, a job that I love, a car to drive everyday.  I just want to be a mom.  I want to be a mom that my daughter is proud to have.  I want to show her love and that she is worth all this waiting and paperwork and junk that we have to go through to be parents.

Yeah, most people can just pop out kids, they do and don’t think twice about it.  I hear people talk all kinds of bad stuff about their kids, how their lives would be so different without them and what they gave up.  Well, stop for a minute and picture not being able to have them.  I deal with the fact that my tummy will never have a baby kick it.  I deal every day with knowing that my child will come with memories of not so good times.  But – I also know that I have a lot of love, a safe home and a stable life to offer her and show her that adults are capable of loving their children.

So, anyways – there is my 20’s.  I skipped some stuff or forgot some things.  I also left out some private things that are family related or boring.  I know that I have not been posting everyday like I was there in the beginning.  But life happens and I have to get out of its way.  I don’t always make it on here and post – but I am thinking and praying for all my readers.  even if you bounce on here just once, once in a while, or maybe even everyday just waiting for the fresh new post to hit the page.  Whatever the case might be – I love each and every one of you in a special way.  We gather strength from one another, that’s whats important to remember.  To reach out for help is not a sign of weakness – it takes strength to admit you can’t do it alone.

If no one has told you they love you today, I love you and God does too.