Archive for December, 2012


New year…

Here is to a new year…thank you all for being my readers, sharing your comments, and offering support.  1st year of recovery for me down.  1st year for the blog has flown by.  1.5 years for the hubby on his recovery.  In the next few months we will be starting yet another journey, becoming parents.  The application is done, all there is left now is to sign up for our classes.

Lots of love, blessings, and prayers to you all.  God loves you and I do too!

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2012 in review

The WordPress.com stats helper monkeys prepared a 2012 annual report for this blog.

Here’s an excerpt:

600 people reached the top of Mt. Everest in 2012. This blog got about 2,900 views in 2012. If every person who reached the top of Mt. Everest viewed this blog, it would have taken 5 years to get that many views.

Click here to see the complete report.

 

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Giving it away…

Giving it away
We can’t give away what we don’t possess. We can’t teach others to live what we don’t live. Before we tell others about the joys of a chemical-free existence, we must live that chemical-free existence. We must be spiritual.

Our Higher Power guides us to the people we need to carry the message to.

Do I give it away every day?

Higher Power, I pray that I may be a channel of your blessing to others.

Today I will give it away to__________________________________

God help me to stay clean and sober today!

Quoted from the book Day by Day. (via RecoveryNowTV)

Go to Al-Anon

It’s in Giving That We Receive – December 2012 Forum (the Al-Anon monthly magazine)

This time of year is a good time to go over the 12th step.  Whoa I know – going over a step!  We have not done this for a while and I think its time that we get back to it.  I missed almost all of them after the 4th step – but that’s OK.  End of this month starts a new month, a new year, a new chapter – we can start the steps over again.  No where in my book does it say do these once.  it is an ongoing life change that takes practice.

So here we go, step 12:

Having had a spiritual awakening as the result of these steps, we tried to carry this message to alcoholics, and to practice these principles in all our affairs.

This month marks a few anniversaries.  It is the one year of my recovery, and the first year of this Blog.  Amazing how fast time flies.  I started my recovery with the 12th step.  I started by reaching out to others after my very frist meeting.  The power of AA and Al-Anon gave me the strength and courage to speak out about how I was feeling.  Something I had never done before – I kept my feelings hidden.

So the 12th step helped me dig out of this hole I was hiding in to say hello to the world.

Hello my name is Courtney.  I am codependent and powerless over my husband’s drinking.  I am powerless over others lives and I need help

That was hard for me to deal with, I felt powerless over the whole world, yet I was fighting tooth and nail to control it.  I felt useless yet wanted everyone to come to me with their issues cause I could fix them.  I felt alone yet never spent any time looking at what I wanted for myself.  Now – I can see how I can admit I am powerless and pray for help and guidance.  I can admit that my life had become unmanageable cause I let it get there.  I know now that I have the tools to survive being on my own, I just prefer not to be.  I have a better understanding of how to detach with love – other have to beat their own battles.  I can’t do it for them.

So in giving love and understanding to my husband, in giving love and thankfulness to my parents, in giving prayers of happiness and contentment to the people who I would rather punch in the face – I am giving them the gift of my true love. A love that I pray that God will give onto them.  A love that I am powerless over whether they accept it or not, powerless over if they pray or not, powerless over if they believe in God – but what I am not powerless over is the fact that I GAVE.  I gave them that love – the rest is up to them and I have to let it go and be in the hands of God.

The 12th step to me now means giving back without expecting a return.  I can’t control what I get in return.  But I can be content in knowing that I did my best in to share with others my spiritual awakenings – what happens after that is in Gods hands.  And that – the love of God – is my gift.

If no one has told you they love you today, I love you and God does too.

Signs of Spiritual Awakening!

A few months ago a lady in my home group handed this out to us – so when I say a fellow blogger posted it I had to share.

The past is a foreign country; they do things differently there. – L. P. Hartley, The Go-Between (1953)

You might have thought I was starting a Christmas story there…The Ghosts of Christmas past…well not this time.  Talking about the ghosts of my past that still haunt me a bit.  There are things in there that I think about and want to run and hide.  I want to go back in time and tell myself to stop being a dumba$$ – there are times I would like to go back and tell myself to stand up for myself – stand up to that drunken bully.  But then again – things could have been much worse had I said the wrong thing at the wrong time.

But we learn – we move on – or so we hope to.  I can still get caught up in the depression of looking over my wasted years of my 20’s.  Not every year, not every month, not every week, not every day – but there are moments in there that were wasted.  Wasted worrying about:

How much did he drink?  When will he be home?  Is he ever coming home?  When will he be in from the shop?  What mood will he be in?  Will I get yelled at?  Is this what he wanted for dinner?  Is it too hot?  Is it too cold?  Did he have a bad day at work?  Will I remember to keep my mouth shut?  Why doesn’t he want to talk about adoption stuff with me?  Why doesn’t he want to talk about what the Dr said to me?  Why doesn’t he like to hear me say I love you?  Why doesn’t he want to spend time with me?  Why must he tell these Lies that I have to help keep track of?  Why do I help him lie?

Its depressing, it angers me, It hurts me – but they were my thoughts and my feelings for a long time.  But I have not felt this close to my husband as I have this past year.  I still am in pain and have a lot of emotional things to deal with.  But I know that I will be able to be a good wife, be a good mom, be a good person in general.  I now know that I can look at myself in the mirror and be proud of who I am and look myself in the eyes.  If only I could get some sleep lately.  That is still an issue.  It’s hard to tell my brain to shut up so I can go to sleep.

It’s been a while since I posted anything, I have been busy working on the application for the foster care/adoption center.  I have been working on Christmas gifts, cleaning up the house and trying to get better.  Seems I have picked up the office cold – its been making its rounds.  On top of the head cold I also had a migraine yesterday.  Every time I would cough I felt like my head would explode.

If no one has told you they love you today, I love you and God does too.

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