The past is a foreign country; they do things differently there. – L. P. Hartley, The Go-Between (1953)

You might have thought I was starting a Christmas story there…The Ghosts of Christmas past…well not this time.  Talking about the ghosts of my past that still haunt me a bit.  There are things in there that I think about and want to run and hide.  I want to go back in time and tell myself to stop being a dumba$$ – there are times I would like to go back and tell myself to stand up for myself – stand up to that drunken bully.  But then again – things could have been much worse had I said the wrong thing at the wrong time.

But we learn – we move on – or so we hope to.  I can still get caught up in the depression of looking over my wasted years of my 20’s.  Not every year, not every month, not every week, not every day – but there are moments in there that were wasted.  Wasted worrying about:

How much did he drink?  When will he be home?  Is he ever coming home?  When will he be in from the shop?  What mood will he be in?  Will I get yelled at?  Is this what he wanted for dinner?  Is it too hot?  Is it too cold?  Did he have a bad day at work?  Will I remember to keep my mouth shut?  Why doesn’t he want to talk about adoption stuff with me?  Why doesn’t he want to talk about what the Dr said to me?  Why doesn’t he like to hear me say I love you?  Why doesn’t he want to spend time with me?  Why must he tell these Lies that I have to help keep track of?  Why do I help him lie?

Its depressing, it angers me, It hurts me – but they were my thoughts and my feelings for a long time.  But I have not felt this close to my husband as I have this past year.  I still am in pain and have a lot of emotional things to deal with.  But I know that I will be able to be a good wife, be a good mom, be a good person in general.  I now know that I can look at myself in the mirror and be proud of who I am and look myself in the eyes.  If only I could get some sleep lately.  That is still an issue.  It’s hard to tell my brain to shut up so I can go to sleep.

It’s been a while since I posted anything, I have been busy working on the application for the foster care/adoption center.  I have been working on Christmas gifts, cleaning up the house and trying to get better.  Seems I have picked up the office cold – its been making its rounds.  On top of the head cold I also had a migraine yesterday.  Every time I would cough I felt like my head would explode.

If no one has told you they love you today, I love you and God does too.

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