Archive for March, 2013

Do You Need to Forgive?.

With March almost over I wanted to do a little check in.  This has been a big month for us.  I turned 30 years old, celebrated 9 years at my current job and we started foster/adoptive parent classes.  I have not been to a meeting in two weeks, I was feeling a little burnt out.  Plus with class being on Wed nights and not getting home till after 9pm the next day I feel dead.  Makes it hard to want to go anywhere Thursday night as well.  I do miss my Al-anon family, but right now I have to take care of myself.

I was taught that in Al-Anon, we have to take care of ourselves.  And right now that means getting rest and not over doing it.  The first class was a shocker and until I get used to staying up late on Wed nights it might be a little bit till I can get to a meeting.  I still do my reading and will still try to keep in touch with everyone.

This being the third month we talked about the third step, I am having to do that a lot and turn stuff over.  Its hard, but I know in my heart that my Higher Power is there right beside me through all of this.  I pray for the strength to stay on track and make it though this process of becoming a parent.  I know my daughter is out there somewhere, just waiting for us like we are waiting for her.

I use the serenity prayer so much om my way to work – it’s a good thing I don’t have my windows down, the cars next to me might hear me yell it over and over to myself till I can say it calmly from the heart.  That’s when I know my higher power has heard me and I feel the calming nature of his presence with me.

What are somethings that you have turned over to the care of God, as you understood him?  What are somethings that you know you need to let go of but are having an issue doing so?

30…part 3

This has been a few posts of expressing my fears, what I am thankful for and now I will list 30 things that I hope to achieve or just am looking forward to doing.  In no particular order:

  1. become a parent
  2. Finish painting the inside of our house
  3. clean out baby girls room
  4. Finish cleaning my office
  5. pay off some debt
  6. make better choices on how to spend our money
  7. get down to my goal weight
  8. take more classes
  9. paint more
  10. relax more
  11. express my feeling better
  12. learn how to ask for the things I want
  13. learn to tell the difference between what I want and what I need
  14. learn to fully turn things over and not try to hang on
  15. learn to let things go, if it bothers me, let them know – or drop it all together.  Holding on to things forever only keeps hurting me
  16. take better care of myself – eat better, sleep at normal time, go to the doctor, not ignore symptoms, treat my migraines when they start.
  17. learn new things to better help me at my job
  18. Finish more art projects
  19. Finish tasks
  20. not be so hard on myself when something doesn’t go as I planned
  21. one day replace the current house we have with a new one
  22. one day help my husband with a business of our own
  23. help my adoptive daughter understand how loved she is
  24. family trip to Disneyland
  25. get a few left over dental issues taken care of
  26. one day find a treatment for my migraines that works
  27. put aside more time to spend with my husband doing fun things
  28. learn how to save money
  29. take a family trip somewhere
  30. get family photo taken

30…Part 2

The other day I wrote about the 30 things I was thankful for.  Today I want to express the 30 things I fear or don’t want to happen…Again in no particular order

  1. the dark
  2. dieing
  3. not being a good mother
  4. disappointing my parents
  5. the death of a parent or sister.
  6. the death of my husband
  7. the death of one of my babies (the dogs)
  8. losing my job
  9. losing my house
  10. being told we cannot be foster parents or adopt a child
  11. my husbands health due to his drinking for years
  12. being laid off
  13. that I will be as sick as my mom is one day
  14. that I already am showing the signs of what my mother has
  15. drowning
  16. being stuck in a fire
  17. that my migraines might get worse
  18. that my husband could be injured really bad at work one day
  19. that I could one day have another seizure
  20. upsetting my husband
  21. ending up in the hospital
  22. having surgery
  23. will not be able to get home due to a bad flood (monsoon time)
  24. getting stuck with out food and water again due to a flood
  25. one day Dozer my boxer could have a bad allergy attack when no one is home
  26. something could happen at the house while no one is home and my dogs get hurt
  27. when I have the dogs in the car I pray that on one hits us
  28. that I will forget something important
  29. that I can’t drop the weight that I need to
  30. that my adoptive daughter might one day hate me

30…part 1

I am not 30 years old.  Last Wednesday night I was  afraid to go to sleep.  If I went to sleep then when I woke up I would be 30.  Like by staying away I could avoid it.  It’s just a number I know, but for some reason 30 was a scary one.  I was watching TV and trying to keep it together.  I had taken Thursday and Friday off work, so my lack of sleep was not hurting anything.  I was trying not to keep my husband (who still had to go to work in the morning) awake with my panic attack.  I remember how I felt as 9pm and then 10pm rolled around.  The panic was almost too much for me.

I got pretty interested in what was on the TV at that moment (can’t tell you what it was now) And I looked over at the time to see it was 1:30am.  OMG, I was 30!  Nothing felt different, the world had not come to an end, no one was calling me telling me what a failure I was.  I was 30 and everything was just fine.  How could I have been so scared and nothing happened?  I had some how let my thoughts do me in.

As of today I have been smoke free for 70 days and saved $230.  It feels amazing to have made it this far and not feel like I can’t go another day and I know that’s what I can do.  Today I am smoke free, I can only live one day at a time…so I wanted to write down a list…or two…or three  Here are my 30 things…

30 Things that I am thankful for – in no particular order

  1. To be alive
  2. my parents
  3. my husband
  4. my sister
  5. My Sweet furry children
  6. Devereux (Foster care agency)
  7. my job
  8. a roof over my head
  9. my health (as bad as I feel today, it could always be worse)
  10. my friends
  11. al-anon
  12. AA
  13. being able to pay bills and some what on time most months 🙂
  14. My Hubbies substance abuse counselor and his wife who have become very close friends.
  15. being nicotine free
  16. loving my job
  17. a bed to make
  18. food in my house to eat
  19. clothes on my back
  20. people willing to donate items to others in need
  21. a husband who understands my migraines
  22. an understanding Boss
  23. supportive family
  24. being able to express my creative side
  25. strangers who smile back
  26. strangers who smile first
  27. warm spring days
  28. waking up to a Boxer who wants to snuggle
  29. falling asleep in my husbands arms
  30. hearing someone say they think I will be a good mom


Start Today…

The 3rd step is also the 3rd step in my little cha-cha dance.

Made a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of God as we understood Him.

We made a decision…  this says to me that it is truly up to me to make this choice.  I can choose to be sick and crazy, or I can choose to get better and ask for help from my higher power.  If I ask for help then I have to be willing to get out of the damn way so that He can do what He needs to do to help me. And it’s the care of God not the full control, not the ultimate fix all.  We still have to play a part in our lives, we just have to be willing to ask the right questions and listen to the answers.  It may not be what we want and it may not even be something that we understand at the very moment.  But it is there, if we ask for it.

If I ask for the ability to understand my husband, He is going to give me a situation where I have to be understanding.  If I want to forgive my husband, He will give me a situation where I will need to forgive.  If I ask to be more patient, He will give me a situation where I have to show patience.  He is not going to magically give me what I ask for, He is going to give me the tools to show myself that I have the ability to do it.  Al-Anon has shown me that when I asked for strength, He showed me that I am strong.

So as we start our step 3, remember that it is in this step that we learn that God is willing to show us what we already have inside us, if we are willing to trust Him and ask for His help.  It’s like asking for someone to take the blindfold off so you can look at your self for the first time.  You get to see all the wonderful things inside you that has been there the whole time, it was just hidden behind our own blockades.  We pulled off the blinders, we pulled back the shades…seeing the true self that is there by asking God for His help, we should be ready for the next step – Our personal inventory, but more on that next month.

If no one has told you they love you today, I love you and God does too.




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