Category: AA


Happy Valentine’s Day…

“I don’t understand why Cupid was chosen to represent Valentine’s Day. When I think about romance, the last thing on my mind is a short, chubby toddler coming at me with a weapon.”
~ Author Unknown ~

Hello My Name is Courtney, and I am in love with a recovering alcoholic.  He is in love with a recovering a Co-dependent.  We each have our own programs to help us and we have gone to meetings together to get a better understanding of where the other one is coming from.  It was difficult to sit there helpless while the person I loved was killing themselves.

On this day of love, please take time to tell the people you care about that you love them.  You don’t have to blow a bunch of money on gifts – but spend time with them, have dinner at home, make it together.  Go out just the two of you, or as a family if you have children.

February 2013…

Smoke

Smoke (Photo credit: AMagill)

Hello February – Ready for step 2?  well good because here it is:

Step 2 –

Came to believe that a Power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity.

Last year I explored the meaning of the word Restore…why?  Well because it stuck out to me, that’s why.  This year the word that stand out to me is Could.  It could restore us to sanity.  It’s not a false promise, is not a answer to fix all that is wrong with me.  I have to do be present in this journey of getting back to sanity.  My Higher Power can help me get there, if I let it.  I have to get out of the darn way and let him take some of this weight off my shoulders.  If I don’t let go, if I hold on with everything I have to things – how can I take a hold of the gifts of today?  How can I reach towards the future with hands full of yesterdays crap?

Could [kood; unstressed kuhd]
verb

1.a simple past tense of can1 .
auxiliary verb

2. (used to express possibility): I wonder who that could be at the door. That couldn’t be true.
3. (used to express conditional possibility or ability): You could do it if you tried.
4. (used in making polite requests): Could you open the door for me, please?
5. (used in asking for permission): Could I borrow your pen?
6. (used in offering suggestions or advice): You could write and ask for more information. You could at least have called me.
I find that even if I have read all the pages in the ODAT (One Day At A Time, Al-anon daily reader) a story will stick out to me in a different way.  I see what I need to see when I need to see it.  I can get out of a story what I need to hear at that moment in time.  It will be different for me each time, and that’s the best part about it.  That means I can read that book 100 times and still get something different each time.
If I can learn the art of letting go, this happy feeling I have today might just stay with me for a while. Last Thursday was my 30th day of being a non smoker.  I consider myself to be a non smoker now because I don’t want to go back to it.  If by calling myself a non smoker, I can resist giving myself permission to do it again.  So yes, 30 days as a non smoker and today is  30 days till my 30th birthday.  Yeah – what ya got on all my three’s!  I hope you all have a good day.
If no one has told you they love you today, I love you and God does too.

we watched an amazing movie last night (I know a movie on a week night!)  It is called “You Kill Me”

After alcoholic hit man Frank (Ben Kingsley) botches an assignment, he leaves the Polish mob family he works for to clean up the mess and relocates to San Francisco, where he dries out, gets a job at a mortuary and falls in love with Laurel (Téa Leoni). But when a rival gang threatens the family, he returns to take care of business – Netflix

MV5BMTAyMjg3NDE4MDleQTJeQWpwZ15BbWU3MDg2NzE4NDE@._V1._SY317_I really want to by this movie – it was amazing!!  They did a good job showing his emotions at his first AA meeting.  Hubby and I were laughing.  It’s a dark comedy – but we loved it.

Cast:
Ben Kingsley, Téa Leoni, Luke Wilson, Dennis Farina, Philip Baker Hall, Bill Pullman, Marcus Thomas, Scott Heindl
The opening of this movie set the tone for the whole thing – I don’t want to do any spoilers – you just have to watch it!  Ben Kingsley just does an outstanding job, his expressions with his eyes are the best!!

Step work…

I feel like I need to do a little step work.

Step #1:

We admitted we were powerless over alcohol—that our lives had become unmanageable.

This can go for things other than alcohol.  I am trying to quit smoking right now, I have almost 14 days under my belt. (5pm today will be 14 days)  and I had to admit that i was powerless and that my life had become unmanageable.  I had let it start to rule my life.  I would plan things around being able to smoke.  it was starting to get sad and upset me.  I quit for 2 years before, I felt so dumb for starting up again.

Step #2:

Came to believe that a Power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity.

I had to put my faith in something greater than myself to be able to let go of the smoking.  I had to let go of it, do I still have craving – OMG yes I do.  But all I have to do is catch a whiff of the smoke and I wanna run the other way.  Makes my head hurt and I feel ill.  I have felt a lot better in these 2 weeks and been pounding the water.  But I had to look towards something else for help.  For me it was the want to become a mother was grater than smoking.  It motivated me really well.

Step #3:

Made a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of God as we understood Him.

I have to ask my God to help me – help me every time I get a bad craving to do something else.  So I prayed about it and what came to mind was water.  Its something I need more of anyways and it might help with the toxins.  So when I get a bad craving – I chug the water.  replacing something bad with something good.  Its helped so far.

 

Those 3 steps – the Cha-Cha as we fondly call it – is the foundation of my life now.  I can use those steps to over come many things.  I am trying to use them to come to grips with the fact I can not control every aspect of these adoptions classes.  The class we wanted we waited too long to sign up for.  and the ones that are left for Jan and Feb and March are not close to our house.  We live outside of the city and all they classes are towards the middle of town.  I have to let go and not get so warped out of shape over the fact that I can’t just take the class where I want to when I want to.  I wanted to call up the center for the class and beg that they let us in.  But there must be a reason God said “not that one my child.”  I may not like what He has to say – and I might not understand why He did it.  (But that’s ok.) It’s not in my control.  I may never know either why He didn’t want us in that class.  That’s in His hands.

There is a christian based class that we can take – doesn’t bother me that its religion based like it might others – it’s just the timing on getting both of us there for it.  There are some that start in March as well.  it would be nice if Hubby had his new job soon and that way we would not have to worry about his current boss trying to make it to where he can’t leave on time.  We have missed a few Thursday night meetings due to that issue. Oh well, some people are just unwilling to have compassion or understanding.  But that is something they have to sort out for themselves.  All I can do if fix me, I can’t fix others.

So keep us in your thoughts as you do your daily prayers – we quit smoking and are working on becoming parents.  My Sober hubby has just over a year and a half under his belt and life just keeps getting better by the day.  Better, not easier – don’t confuse the two.

If no one has told you they love you today, I love you and God does too!!

2013 so far…

 

Yesterday I sent off the application for our adoption/foster care adventure.  Devereux Arizona is the center that we are going through, they have been so wonderful.  They guide you through each step and make sure you understand everything.

 

I think I might start yet another blog.  This one is all about recovery, so adoption stuff really has no place here.  I will post updates now and then because it is a part of our recovery.  I do have two other blogs.  I have Dozer’s blog and then my Rants and Stories blog.  Court’s Royal Corner is not the place for the adoptions stuff….so to start another blog or not to start another blog.  I know 3 blogs are hard enough…4 is crazy!  But I feel like there might be people out there who want to hear about adoption or foster care.  I know I went looking for information when we started to talk about it.  What do you all think – should I start another blog?

 

On the recovery front, I didn’t make it to my meeting last night, we tried to quit smoking and hubby is not doing as well with it.  His Job is stressful and he is worried about the projects he is doing here at the house.  I think the adoption stuff is stressing him out a bit too.  So we decided not to go last night, plus it was cold and windy – I didn’t want to leave my warm spot on the sofa.  I am sad that last month was my one year and they didn’t give me a coin.  In AA they ask who has 24 hours, 30 days, multi months, 1 years and so on…   But in my Al-Anon group they just know who has how long and in what month – it’s listed on our phone list.  Well I didn’t get mine and it hurt.  Why should I have to ask for mine?  But that is not Al-anon thinking.  So next week, I will have to figure out how to mention it in the meeting without showing the hurt that I feel inside.  I feel almost like a child, “I want my coin!” But that little round symbol is the symbol of my recovery.  To others its just a coin, but to me it is so much more.  That coin shows that I was able to stick to something, learn from others, make a life change.

 

One year in recovery for me also means one year for this blog.  That makes me so happy to think about all my readers, all of you who add comments, all the support that I have gotten, and all the support I have been able to offer.  It’s what recovery is all about to me.  The support we offer each other, the compassion for another human being who is suffering at that moment and is in need of our help.  Even if that help is just having someone say – “wow that sucks, I am sorry that happened to you”

 

I have been told I need to stop saying I am sorry for things that I have no control over.  I am not taking responsibility for the thing that happened or even trying to personalize it.  It’s just me saying “wow, that sucks and I am sorry that happened to you”  I guess I am alone in the want to have this said to me.  I wish for once someone would just say that to me.  I don’t say what is going on in my head all the time, I don’t say that I am depressed, in pain, sad, angry, upset…what have ya.  If I did I would never shut up about it.  I am in pain ALL the time, I am sad a lot, I stress about money, I stress over if hubby is happy or not, I stress over my health, over if I can pay for my medications that month or not, if we will every really become parents or not, if hubby will freak out and tell me no – tell Devereux we changed our minds.

 

What he said last night really hurt me, and I had no idea how to even tell him.  So I just dropped it.  Sometimes I have to pick my battles, and it wasn’t worth it last night.  There was no reason to engage in a fight, I just let him vent and get it off his chest.  Does it still hurt even though I try not to personalize it, hell yes.  Am I able to let go of it fully? still not able to let things go 100% yet.  But I am working on it.

 

Anyways – I hope you all have a blessed day, Keep praying that we get into the Jan 23rd class.  I love you and God does too!

 

Giving it away…

Giving it away
We can’t give away what we don’t possess. We can’t teach others to live what we don’t live. Before we tell others about the joys of a chemical-free existence, we must live that chemical-free existence. We must be spiritual.

Our Higher Power guides us to the people we need to carry the message to.

Do I give it away every day?

Higher Power, I pray that I may be a channel of your blessing to others.

Today I will give it away to__________________________________

God help me to stay clean and sober today!

Quoted from the book Day by Day. (via RecoveryNowTV)

It’s in Giving That We Receive – December 2012 Forum (the Al-Anon monthly magazine)

This time of year is a good time to go over the 12th step.  Whoa I know – going over a step!  We have not done this for a while and I think its time that we get back to it.  I missed almost all of them after the 4th step – but that’s OK.  End of this month starts a new month, a new year, a new chapter – we can start the steps over again.  No where in my book does it say do these once.  it is an ongoing life change that takes practice.

So here we go, step 12:

Having had a spiritual awakening as the result of these steps, we tried to carry this message to alcoholics, and to practice these principles in all our affairs.

This month marks a few anniversaries.  It is the one year of my recovery, and the first year of this Blog.  Amazing how fast time flies.  I started my recovery with the 12th step.  I started by reaching out to others after my very frist meeting.  The power of AA and Al-Anon gave me the strength and courage to speak out about how I was feeling.  Something I had never done before – I kept my feelings hidden.

So the 12th step helped me dig out of this hole I was hiding in to say hello to the world.

Hello my name is Courtney.  I am codependent and powerless over my husband’s drinking.  I am powerless over others lives and I need help

That was hard for me to deal with, I felt powerless over the whole world, yet I was fighting tooth and nail to control it.  I felt useless yet wanted everyone to come to me with their issues cause I could fix them.  I felt alone yet never spent any time looking at what I wanted for myself.  Now – I can see how I can admit I am powerless and pray for help and guidance.  I can admit that my life had become unmanageable cause I let it get there.  I know now that I have the tools to survive being on my own, I just prefer not to be.  I have a better understanding of how to detach with love – other have to beat their own battles.  I can’t do it for them.

So in giving love and understanding to my husband, in giving love and thankfulness to my parents, in giving prayers of happiness and contentment to the people who I would rather punch in the face – I am giving them the gift of my true love. A love that I pray that God will give onto them.  A love that I am powerless over whether they accept it or not, powerless over if they pray or not, powerless over if they believe in God – but what I am not powerless over is the fact that I GAVE.  I gave them that love – the rest is up to them and I have to let it go and be in the hands of God.

The 12th step to me now means giving back without expecting a return.  I can’t control what I get in return.  But I can be content in knowing that I did my best in to share with others my spiritual awakenings – what happens after that is in Gods hands.  And that – the love of God – is my gift.

If no one has told you they love you today, I love you and God does too.

A story has no beginning or end; arbitrarily one chooses that moment of experience from which to look back or from which to look ahead. – Graham Greene, The End of the Affair (1951)

Felt like this was a good quote to start my day off with.  Yesterday was 100 days till I hit 30.  I feel a little depressed about this birthday.  Why? Good Question!  It took a little digging into my 4th step and also into these 52 pages of questions for the foster/adoption center.  I had all these ideas of what turning 30 meant when I was younger.  I was planning my wedding, buying a house and I was 20.

So – almost 10 years ago I had all these grand plans and goals for myself.  After we were married, after we moved into our first home, after all the newness wore off – I was on this race course called my 20’s.

Lets take a look at my 20 shall we.

  • 20 – 2003  Got married. Bought a House. Bought a ’97 suburban.  Made a plan to be a mom by the time I was 30. Quit smoking after a few years of being a heavy smoker.   6 months before the wedding I totaled my ’86 Toyota pickup.
  • 21 – 2004  I can Drink!  oh wait, I really don’t like to.  Oh look we have quads – lets take them out and have some fun – and we did.  I think we took a family trip to new Mexico this year.  started a new job at a radiology firm.
  • 22 – 2005  Not much happened this year that I can remember.  We did buy a new truck.  A ’05 Super Duty F350 2wd.  Oh and my little sis finished High School
  • 23 – 2006  for some reason 23 was scary for me.  I was no longer 21 and not yet 25.  it seemed to me that no one took me serious at this age.  I stopped telling people how old I was.  It was like they
    just all of a sudden treated me like the rest of the crazy 23 year olds who I wanted nothing to do with – I was married, owned a home and was looking forward to being a mom soon. (we already decided to adopt before we were even married) November of this year I changed from being in scheduling for the Radiology firm to being in Tech Support.
  • 24 – 2007  Eh …I don’t remember much about this year.  a lot of friends moved away and I was starting to become a very unhappy person and my migraines really started to take a toll on me and my whole life.  I was just not in a good place.  I have now been at the same company for 4 years and love it!
  • 25 – 2008  I had a big birthday bash at my in-law’s.  It was sad that I didn’t even have my own parents there cause I wanted to be free to smoke and party it up.  Oh yeah – somewhere in one of those past years we started to smoke again.  oops!  Invited a few of my work peeps and their better-hales.  I was a lot of fun but my In-laws made it all about them – like always.  I started to get worried about hubby’s drinking – but kept my mouth shut.
  • 26 – 2009  Right before my birthday we traded in our ’05 super duty F350 in and a ’08 super duty F250 4×4 and the first thing we did was take it to Bowie, AZ with the quads for a family trip.  We have been taking the quads out for both of our birthdays for the past few years.  This summer we had a falling out with my In-laws (all my fault of course) and have not talked to them since.  We bought a toy hauler RV and took it out to Bowie for a test run.  We also took it to St David, AZ for a test run to make sure it worked OK.  They gave us a free trip just to go do that.  Again I was a little worried about how much hubby drank, but with how angry we was becoming – I didn’t dare say anything.
  • 27 – 2010  This year we got to pick out a 3 day old pair of Boxer puppies.  We fell in love with them and were there every other day from then on till it was time to take them home.  Very tragically, the little girl Boxer pup we had picked out passed away at 4 weeks old.  But the little boy who stoke my heart was getting bigger by the day and we were able to take him home at 8 weeks.  He lost 7 siblings – there were only 3 little boys left by the time they hit 4 weeks old.
  • 28 – 2011  this year was a hard one.  Hubby reached his bottom.  Had to go through a diversion program, that meant anger management, substance abuse classes and AA.  We were separated for a few months and I was going down the tracks on a crazy train.  Thank God for that Dec – I found Al-Anon and things back to where we needed to be.
  • 29 – 2012  Here were are.  This year still has a little bit of time left.  All those years spent wanting to be a mom – looking into adoption.  I knew in the back of my head that with hubby drinking the way he was that we could not be parents yet.  But now that he is sober, I am not actively co-dependent – now is the time to look at adoption again.  Oh wait – we can do fostering to adopt.  I like that idea.

2012 is not over yet so 29 is not done yet either.  I still have somethings I need to do before I turn 30.  I may not be a mom yet – but at least we are starting the process.  I can’t put times on my goals like that anymore.  It just makes me mad and depressed.  I still have goals, but not going to put unreachable time restraints on things anymore.  It just sets myself up for failure, I am really tired of failures.  I need some good things to happen in my life.

And I am thankful, don’t get me wrong.  I am thankful for my family, I am thankful for my furry kids, my health, hubby’s health, a roof over my head, a job that I love, a car to drive everyday.  I just want to be a mom.  I want to be a mom that my daughter is proud to have.  I want to show her love and that she is worth all this waiting and paperwork and junk that we have to go through to be parents.

Yeah, most people can just pop out kids, they do and don’t think twice about it.  I hear people talk all kinds of bad stuff about their kids, how their lives would be so different without them and what they gave up.  Well, stop for a minute and picture not being able to have them.  I deal with the fact that my tummy will never have a baby kick it.  I deal every day with knowing that my child will come with memories of not so good times.  But – I also know that I have a lot of love, a safe home and a stable life to offer her and show her that adults are capable of loving their children.

So, anyways – there is my 20’s.  I skipped some stuff or forgot some things.  I also left out some private things that are family related or boring.  I know that I have not been posting everyday like I was there in the beginning.  But life happens and I have to get out of its way.  I don’t always make it on here and post – but I am thinking and praying for all my readers.  even if you bounce on here just once, once in a while, or maybe even everyday just waiting for the fresh new post to hit the page.  Whatever the case might be – I love each and every one of you in a special way.  We gather strength from one another, that’s whats important to remember.  To reach out for help is not a sign of weakness – it takes strength to admit you can’t do it alone.

If no one has told you they love you today, I love you and God does too.

Inspiration…

My Goals:

To work my recovery program the best I can

To become a Foster Parent/Adoptive Parent

To do the best I can at my Job

To be a good daughter

To be a good wife

To be happy

To be Healthy

My Plans:

Go to the meetings that I can, call program people when needed and keep the lines of communication open with my recovering spouse

Go to classes, work on the repairs on our house, pass the back ground check, get our license

I go to work everyday that I can, I try my best to be there on time and dressed properly.

Keep the lines of communication open with my parents, I ask them for a lot of help so I try to always remember to be there for them as well.

I try to take care of my husbands needs but not in a way that causes me to neglect my own needs.  I also try not to get in the way of his recovery, and I also do not do so much for him that he no longer does things for himself or for me.

I try to greet each day as new and with a smile.  Being happy is up to me and me alone.

I try to do things for myself that will help me stay healthy.  I am working on getting rid of the not so healthy aspects of my life.

If I…

  • If I met myself – would I like that person?
  • If someone talked to me the same way I talk to myself – would I be their friend?
  • If I was treated by someone else the same way I treat myself – would I stay?
  • If I can’t love who I am – how can I love another?
  • If I can’t live with myself – how can another?
  • If I can’t look myself in the eye – how can another?

I treated myself so badly for so many years.  Like Jim Carry said in Liar Liar “I’m kicking my ass!”  I did that – very well.  It’s hard to think back to all the nasty things I used to believe about my self.  Like if someone tells you something over and over – even if it’s not true – a part of  you starts to believe it.

We need to start taking better care of ourselves and it needs to start with how we treat ourselves and talk to ourselves. (or about ourselves)  Like talking behind a friends back will kill the friendship.  It’s like talking crap behind your own back.  It’s time we stop being a bully.  To ourselves and to others.  “Let it start with me”

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