Category: Celebration Of Recovery


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A story has no beginning or end; arbitrarily one chooses that moment of experience from which to look back or from which to look ahead. – Graham Greene, The End of the Affair (1951)

Felt like this was a good quote to start my day off with.  Yesterday was 100 days till I hit 30.  I feel a little depressed about this birthday.  Why? Good Question!  It took a little digging into my 4th step and also into these 52 pages of questions for the foster/adoption center.  I had all these ideas of what turning 30 meant when I was younger.  I was planning my wedding, buying a house and I was 20.

So – almost 10 years ago I had all these grand plans and goals for myself.  After we were married, after we moved into our first home, after all the newness wore off – I was on this race course called my 20’s.

Lets take a look at my 20 shall we.

  • 20 – 2003  Got married. Bought a House. Bought a ’97 suburban.  Made a plan to be a mom by the time I was 30. Quit smoking after a few years of being a heavy smoker.   6 months before the wedding I totaled my ’86 Toyota pickup.
  • 21 – 2004  I can Drink!  oh wait, I really don’t like to.  Oh look we have quads – lets take them out and have some fun – and we did.  I think we took a family trip to new Mexico this year.  started a new job at a radiology firm.
  • 22 – 2005  Not much happened this year that I can remember.  We did buy a new truck.  A ’05 Super Duty F350 2wd.  Oh and my little sis finished High School
  • 23 – 2006  for some reason 23 was scary for me.  I was no longer 21 and not yet 25.  it seemed to me that no one took me serious at this age.  I stopped telling people how old I was.  It was like they
    just all of a sudden treated me like the rest of the crazy 23 year olds who I wanted nothing to do with – I was married, owned a home and was looking forward to being a mom soon. (we already decided to adopt before we were even married) November of this year I changed from being in scheduling for the Radiology firm to being in Tech Support.
  • 24 – 2007  Eh …I don’t remember much about this year.  a lot of friends moved away and I was starting to become a very unhappy person and my migraines really started to take a toll on me and my whole life.  I was just not in a good place.  I have now been at the same company for 4 years and love it!
  • 25 – 2008  I had a big birthday bash at my in-law’s.  It was sad that I didn’t even have my own parents there cause I wanted to be free to smoke and party it up.  Oh yeah – somewhere in one of those past years we started to smoke again.  oops!  Invited a few of my work peeps and their better-hales.  I was a lot of fun but my In-laws made it all about them – like always.  I started to get worried about hubby’s drinking – but kept my mouth shut.
  • 26 – 2009  Right before my birthday we traded in our ’05 super duty F350 in and a ’08 super duty F250 4×4 and the first thing we did was take it to Bowie, AZ with the quads for a family trip.  We have been taking the quads out for both of our birthdays for the past few years.  This summer we had a falling out with my In-laws (all my fault of course) and have not talked to them since.  We bought a toy hauler RV and took it out to Bowie for a test run.  We also took it to St David, AZ for a test run to make sure it worked OK.  They gave us a free trip just to go do that.  Again I was a little worried about how much hubby drank, but with how angry we was becoming – I didn’t dare say anything.
  • 27 – 2010  This year we got to pick out a 3 day old pair of Boxer puppies.  We fell in love with them and were there every other day from then on till it was time to take them home.  Very tragically, the little girl Boxer pup we had picked out passed away at 4 weeks old.  But the little boy who stoke my heart was getting bigger by the day and we were able to take him home at 8 weeks.  He lost 7 siblings – there were only 3 little boys left by the time they hit 4 weeks old.
  • 28 – 2011  this year was a hard one.  Hubby reached his bottom.  Had to go through a diversion program, that meant anger management, substance abuse classes and AA.  We were separated for a few months and I was going down the tracks on a crazy train.  Thank God for that Dec – I found Al-Anon and things back to where we needed to be.
  • 29 – 2012  Here were are.  This year still has a little bit of time left.  All those years spent wanting to be a mom – looking into adoption.  I knew in the back of my head that with hubby drinking the way he was that we could not be parents yet.  But now that he is sober, I am not actively co-dependent – now is the time to look at adoption again.  Oh wait – we can do fostering to adopt.  I like that idea.

2012 is not over yet so 29 is not done yet either.  I still have somethings I need to do before I turn 30.  I may not be a mom yet – but at least we are starting the process.  I can’t put times on my goals like that anymore.  It just makes me mad and depressed.  I still have goals, but not going to put unreachable time restraints on things anymore.  It just sets myself up for failure, I am really tired of failures.  I need some good things to happen in my life.

And I am thankful, don’t get me wrong.  I am thankful for my family, I am thankful for my furry kids, my health, hubby’s health, a roof over my head, a job that I love, a car to drive everyday.  I just want to be a mom.  I want to be a mom that my daughter is proud to have.  I want to show her love and that she is worth all this waiting and paperwork and junk that we have to go through to be parents.

Yeah, most people can just pop out kids, they do and don’t think twice about it.  I hear people talk all kinds of bad stuff about their kids, how their lives would be so different without them and what they gave up.  Well, stop for a minute and picture not being able to have them.  I deal with the fact that my tummy will never have a baby kick it.  I deal every day with knowing that my child will come with memories of not so good times.  But – I also know that I have a lot of love, a safe home and a stable life to offer her and show her that adults are capable of loving their children.

So, anyways – there is my 20’s.  I skipped some stuff or forgot some things.  I also left out some private things that are family related or boring.  I know that I have not been posting everyday like I was there in the beginning.  But life happens and I have to get out of its way.  I don’t always make it on here and post – but I am thinking and praying for all my readers.  even if you bounce on here just once, once in a while, or maybe even everyday just waiting for the fresh new post to hit the page.  Whatever the case might be – I love each and every one of you in a special way.  We gather strength from one another, that’s whats important to remember.  To reach out for help is not a sign of weakness – it takes strength to admit you can’t do it alone.

If no one has told you they love you today, I love you and God does too.

12 days ago was my 9th month recovery birthday.  I feel a little sad that I don’t get the same milestone celebrations as AA members do.  My Al-anon group only does the yearly coins.  I guess there are some Al-anon groups that don’t even do that…So I will just count my blessings.  I never thought those coins could mean something, but after seeing my husband get his – and other get theirs – it makes me want my own little remembrance that:

YES – I can get better.

YES – I can make it through one day at a time.

YES – I can find love, strength, hope and faith again.

YES – I can support my husband without losing myself.

I also have to remember that I don’t need for something to be recognized by someone else to have it mean more to me.  If it is important to me, then that is who I need to get recognition from.  I need to recognize my own self worth.  I also need to make sure that I gibe non solicited recognition out to my husband and others who I see make changes in their lives.  I need to say out loud that I see how far he has come in his recovery.  Him knowing that I see it and had the mind-set to say it will then show to myself and him just how far in my own recovery I have come.

So – here is my 9th month coin.  It’s a Digital one – but that’s OK  – in just 3 short months I will be getting my one year recovery coin.    If you would like your own digital chip, this is where I got mine: http://serenityfound.org/chips/chips.html

We need to have fun in recovery – we need to learn to laugh at ourselves.  I have learned to laugh and have fun – meetings don’t always have to be about sad or bad things.  I think that new comers need to hear about the good things too.  Offers them hope that they will laugh again one day.  Nothing will be posted with the intention to offend – even though that is a risk that I take with every post.  Some people may not like what I have to say, but that’s their choice.  I have a few funny things to post and then maybe do some exploring into what happens when someone has a relapse.

If you would like to post how long you have been in recovery for, your sobriety birthday, or just share words of hope for others – please feel free to do so in the comment box and as always:

If no one has told you they love you today, I love you and God does too. 

 

Circle of friends…

A few Sunday’s ago I was invited to the closed Sunday night AA meeting by a few members to see a friend get his Chip.  13 year sober birthday, I was honored to be invited.  They got a chocolate cake that I could not eat, but that’s OK – it’s what he wanted for a cake.  We had to move our meeting outside due to the regular room being full of items and no one had a key to the other room.  So we grabbed some chairs and made a big circle outside, it was a beautiful cool night in southern Arizona.  We did have to compete with the trains going by, but that was OK too.  Added a bit of atmosphere to the meeting.

Sitting there in the circle with friends, my husband, a new comer – it was just amazing.  Some of us cried, all of us laughed.  It was a night full of stories, prayers, hopes, dreams, fears – It was just amazing all the way around.  I liked sitting in a circle – being able to see everyone as we shared was just so special.

I am so very thankful for the meetings that they open up for me.  I always feel welcomed and they all say how glad they are that I came.  They know that support is a needed part of anyone’s sobriety.  I have tried to make sure Hubby knows I support him.  Now that it is getting cooler at night it might be getting closer to when we can go to the bonfire meetings that they have out here in the desert.  A meeting around a fire with a potluck – oh I am so there.  It was too hot in the summer time even at night to even think about a campfire.

I must apologize for my lengthy time between posts lately.  My life has been crazy, the amount of time I can take to take care of myself is less that I would like.  I consider this something I do for myself.  I get to unleash all the thoughts in my head and get them out of the way.

 

I have been nominated for the Very Inspiring Blogger Award by the1savedbygrace – Here are the rules when you are nominated for this award… Just tell 7 things about yourself that hasn’t been shared before. Then nominate up to 15 others.

This may not be an awards ceremony – but if someone wanted to tell the world that they found my blog to be inspirational – well then yes it is my own little award ceremony.  I don’t do this to get awards, a pat on the back, I do this for my own well being and with the hopes that I can save someone’s life.  If you don’t think that its life or death, then you must have never loved an addict.  Not only is it life threatening to them, it is for the loved ones who love them to death.  Get it – love them to death.  That saying was true for me.  My life was unmanageable.  I write here to get all those feelings and thoughts and fears out of my head.  I hope that if someone is reading this, they see that life will go on, life will get better, I can improve, I can get better, I can LIVE.  As a addict you may think you are living life to the fullest, you are living life in excess, know what happens when you spend in excess – you run out!  If you slow down, sober up, recover from either the addiction, or your co-addiction – you will see life is so much nicer and prettier in the slow lane.

I do not preach, I do not push, I share my hops and dreams.  Yes I am passionate, but that is because it has helped me live.  I survived something very traumatic and came out the other side a better person.  With the help of Al-Anon, AA and my support group – I  have a wonderful Loving husband and I support him in his recovery as well.

so back to the matter at hand – here is my part of the award.

Here are 7 things about me.

1. I Love my husband, more than words could say.

2. I love to do Crochet.  I make stuffed animals mostly.

3. I have 3 furry children, A 13 year old Chihuahua, a 8 year old Basenji Mix and a 2 year old Boxer.

4. Sometimes I get so overwhelmed that I cry, but I hide in the bathroom or in the shower.

5. I love to paint.  I paint on glass bottles, rocks, sometimes canvas.

6. I strongly dislike doing dishes and folding laundry.

7. I am in recovery, Al-Anon.  My Husband is in recover, AA.  We go to AA meetings together and then we both have our own home groups.  My Recovery matters to me, and it always will.  His recovery is just as important to me.  We changed our lives to make room for our new way of living.

Here are my nominations: I did 12 for a reason 😉

1. the1savedbygrace

2. 12 steps think about it

3. my recovery path

4. Power of Positive Thoughts

5. Journey of my healing.

6. Addict to addict

7. Good life.

8. what matters most

9. screw infidelity   – Very inspiring to me!! – I love her Blog

10. sweet peas kitchen

11. lifeinjoyfuljuxtaposition

12. recovery meditation

One year down…

 

One year ago today our lives changed, and at first we thought there was no way to recover.  Little did we know then that it was just the starting point of the road to recovery.  Yes there were bumps along the way, yes there were potholes and a few stop signs.  But there were no short cuts or detours on this road.  We took each turn as it came and used a cautious speed.  But here we are a year down the road and can look back at the people we once were, knowing that there is no way we will let ourselves go back.  I love you more and more with each moment.  I now have the tools to express myself to you in a healthy way, and you have learned the tools of recovery.  Its not perfection, it’s progress.  Each day we grow a little closer, each night i get to kiss my best friend who is my husband good night, and each morning i get wake up next to the love of my life.  I am blessed for what we have, and that is not the material things in life, its something no one can take from me.  I am blessed for your love and for you still standing by my side.  Here is to many more sober, happy, loved filled years my husband, i love you so much.  And here is to many more miles down this recovery road as we travel side by side.

 

12_steps_of_aa-080131a

12_steps_of_aa-080131a (Photo credit: beachblogger42)

So tonight we traveled to another town and went to a  speaker AA meeting that we had been invited to attend.  It was a meeting to celebrate the 41st anniversary(also knows as a birthday) of the sweetest lady I have ever met.  It was nice to hear the story of how she came to be an AA.  I say an AA now after hearing a member of that meeting speak.  It was almost as if my Higher power had sent me to this very meeting to answer a question I had on this very day.

As I was getting ready to make the 22 mile drive tonight with my husband, I thought about how I would introduce myself.  Am I in Al-Anon or am I an Al-Anon.  Well, wouldn’t you know that a man at this very meeting would talk about just that.  Is it in AA or an AA.  He said that he felt that if you wanted AA only in your head – then you were just in AA and not fully in it for your recovery.  If the recovery was in your heart, then you were an AA.  So I was feeling the same way then.  To me I am an Al-Anon and not just in Al-Anon.

But I digress, Hearing how this couple had been together and both of them AA for 41 years now – it was beyond words.  To hear of people speak of them in the kindest of love, how their home and hearts are always open, how even after all these years – they walk to and from the meetings hand in hand.  It brought tears to my eyes.

Holding that chip that said 41 in roman numerals on the front had such a power to it.  As that coin made it around the room, each member touching it, holding it and each one adding thoughts of hope and prayers for one day being there them selves.  It really made me feel this blessed sensation.  Once I heard the respective years of sobriety starting to be expressed from each member – the numbers rolled around in my head.  There were hundreds of years in the very room.

Hearing the serenity pray being said by that many gave me the chills.  Then after the meeting when we all stood and held hands, you could just feel the love for one another come pouring through each set of hands.  And then we said the lords prayer, it sounded unlike any lords prayer I had ever taken part in.  No one was somber, no one was standing there cause they felt they had to.  We thanked our God, As we understood him, and all the voices in that room sounded calm, clear and proud.  It made me proud just to be standing there with them.

AA meeting sign

AA meeting sign (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

The community that I have found myself in now is heart warming.  These folks welcome you with open minds and hearts – and almost always open arms.  I am a hugger through and through – and is a good thing I am because withing the walls of AA and Al-Anon you will get all the hugs you want.

 

If no one has told you they love you today, I love you and God does too!

 

 

There are two kinds of people. There are those who wake up in the morning and say, “Good Morning, Lord,” and there are those that say” Good Lord, its morning.” Every morning I wake up, I am Blessed. No matter how much drama is in my life or how much pain my body may be in, I know God is watching over me. I’m Blessed – Thank God for what you have.  I have a friend who at this very moment is in ICU after an accident, I bet his wife thanks God every time he opens his eyes.  Be thankful for every waking moment.

I think that we forget the little things in life, sometimes we take them for granted.  I know I used to complain about having to get up at 5 am and go off to work everyday.  But Really I should say “Thank God I woke up, thank God I have a job to go to and thank God I have a car to go there in.”  I take pride in what I worked hard for – I should take the same pride in doing the work in the first place.

I am at a point in my life now where death has shown its face around me enough, I have come close to loosing some people I love to bad accidents or bad circumstances.  But one thing I never forgot to do was thank God they lived.  What I did forget to do was thank Him that I lived.  But now with Prayer, with faith and with a new Self worth, I can take the first waking moments of EVERY day and say “Good morning, Lord.  Thank you for this day.”

Don’t Believe in God, that your own choice.  Its not always the beard and sandals guy I am talking to.  I know that it is God as I understand him.  My higher power is not always the same, it depends on what I am praying about.  I turn stuff over to my higher power and let them deal with it.

We watched the movie last night “life as we know it” The couple in the story dies leaving their little girl to the care of their friends.  I made me start to think about who in my life I could trust to do so.  When you make a choice like that you just have to pray that God will help them in providing the love that you would have.  I know that my furry kids would be taken care of and loved.

I pray for me, I pray for my husband, I pray for my parents, and I pray for my friends.  I can not let the trials and tribulations that my loved ones maybe going through bowl over my own feelings and needs.  But I do send up lots of prayers and send loving thoughts their way.  If I let it consume me than my own needs are not met.  For too many years I did not care for my own needs and have suffered for it.  Today I know I can care for others while still caring for myself first.

AA and Al-anon have given me these tools to be able to do this.  Sobriety and faith have given me what alcohol had promised me all those years.  To be blessed, know you are blessed and be thankful for that blessing – that to me is my serenity.

If no one has told you they love you today, I love you and god does too!

OK – since it’s Friday – I want ya all to sound off with what you are grateful for.  I am grateful for the gift of another day, I am grateful for the tools I have to better deal with life’s ups and downs, I am grateful for the ability to start my day over any time I need to.  I am grateful for the friends and family who have stood by my side day in and day out.  I am grateful for a loving husband who came back to me while on the brink of hell.  Any moment I get with him I am truly thankful for.  I am grateful for my three furry kids, they bring joy to my life!

 

If no one has told you they love you today, I love you and God does too!

 

 

 

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