Tag Archive: Alcoholics Anonymous


With March almost over I wanted to do a little check in.  This has been a big month for us.  I turned 30 years old, celebrated 9 years at my current job and we started foster/adoptive parent classes.  I have not been to a meeting in two weeks, I was feeling a little burnt out.  Plus with class being on Wed nights and not getting home till after 9pm the next day I feel dead.  Makes it hard to want to go anywhere Thursday night as well.  I do miss my Al-anon family, but right now I have to take care of myself.

I was taught that in Al-Anon, we have to take care of ourselves.  And right now that means getting rest and not over doing it.  The first class was a shocker and until I get used to staying up late on Wed nights it might be a little bit till I can get to a meeting.  I still do my reading and will still try to keep in touch with everyone.

This being the third month we talked about the third step, I am having to do that a lot and turn stuff over.  Its hard, but I know in my heart that my Higher Power is there right beside me through all of this.  I pray for the strength to stay on track and make it though this process of becoming a parent.  I know my daughter is out there somewhere, just waiting for us like we are waiting for her.

I use the serenity prayer so much om my way to work – it’s a good thing I don’t have my windows down, the cars next to me might hear me yell it over and over to myself till I can say it calmly from the heart.  That’s when I know my higher power has heard me and I feel the calming nature of his presence with me.

What are somethings that you have turned over to the care of God, as you understood him?  What are somethings that you know you need to let go of but are having an issue doing so?

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New Month, next step…

The 3rd step is also the 3rd step in my little cha-cha dance.

Made a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of God as we understood Him.

We made a decision…  this says to me that it is truly up to me to make this choice.  I can choose to be sick and crazy, or I can choose to get better and ask for help from my higher power.  If I ask for help then I have to be willing to get out of the damn way so that He can do what He needs to do to help me. And it’s the care of God not the full control, not the ultimate fix all.  We still have to play a part in our lives, we just have to be willing to ask the right questions and listen to the answers.  It may not be what we want and it may not even be something that we understand at the very moment.  But it is there, if we ask for it.

If I ask for the ability to understand my husband, He is going to give me a situation where I have to be understanding.  If I want to forgive my husband, He will give me a situation where I will need to forgive.  If I ask to be more patient, He will give me a situation where I have to show patience.  He is not going to magically give me what I ask for, He is going to give me the tools to show myself that I have the ability to do it.  Al-Anon has shown me that when I asked for strength, He showed me that I am strong.

So as we start our step 3, remember that it is in this step that we learn that God is willing to show us what we already have inside us, if we are willing to trust Him and ask for His help.  It’s like asking for someone to take the blindfold off so you can look at your self for the first time.  You get to see all the wonderful things inside you that has been there the whole time, it was just hidden behind our own blockades.  We pulled off the blinders, we pulled back the shades…seeing the true self that is there by asking God for His help, we should be ready for the next step – Our personal inventory, but more on that next month.

If no one has told you they love you today, I love you and God does too.

 

 

I never thought to try to relate to the traditions on a personal level.  I just thought they were for my Al-Anon group, not my family group.  Last night that all changed when we talked about Tradition 2.

Tradition 2:

For our group purpose there is but one ultimate authority—a loving God as He may express Himself  in our group conscience. Our leaders are but trusted servants; they do not govern.

My husband was the all and mighty word in our house hold for a long time.  Anything he said went, even if I knew it was 100% wrong or the messed up thing to do.  I was to follow my husband in every endeavor.  Well with the help of Al-Anon I learned that I have a higher power, and it is not my husband.  I do love him and will support him.  But I will not support him in a way that will cause myself harm.  I will not support him in and endeavor that will cause himself harm.  I will support him with love and encouragement to be the wonderful loving man I know he is.

Now that we are both recovery people we can talk in a shared language.  Our slogans and saying in AA and Al-Anon are very similar so we can talk on a deeper level now than ever before.  We are not perfect, we are a work in progress.  I am not sure who my husband looked to as a Higher Power – I know his father was for most of his life.  My father-in-laws attitude was “I don’t put the fear of God in my children, because God doesn’t live here.  I live here and they will fear me!”  And fear him they did.  I am sorry, I may not be a mother yet – but I do not feel that Fear is the way I want to raise my children.  I want to instill in my child a love and respect for not only me and her father, but a love and respect for herself and her God.

We were not very church going people growing up, and the only church thing my husband and I have done together is a Marriage 911 class we took at a Local church.  I would go to church functions with all my friends growing up, my parents let me explore my religious curiosity.  They left if up to me to go to church if I wanted to.  I am all for instilling your beliefs on your children, but also give them some freedom to choose their own path.  They might respect you more for that than putting the fear of wanting something for yourself.  It took a long time to get my husband to talk openly about what he wanted or how he felt.  Hid father did a good job of trying to kill his spirit.

And its so sad because my husband has such a playful and fun way about himself when he feels safe to open up.  We laugh and play and just have the best time with each other.  That’s why I can’t wait to have a child that we can both be who we really are around.  We are young, fun and playful people who want to love and cherish our child.  Teach them its ok to reach for a goal and not quite make it.  At least you reached for it.  I want her to have parents who are just but trusted servants of God, who do not Govern.

I want her to be able to come to us with anything without fear, it unlike how my husband was raised and I feel that because he knows how the other side of that coin feels he will be able to flip it over and show her understanding and compassion he never got.  I was raised in an open household like that, but I still got in-trouble for not sticking to the plan.  I had to follow most of my parents goals for me.  But you know I think deep down I needed that tough love to get me going in life.  They were not cold like my in-laws, but they were not push overs either.  I need to find that firm but loving attitude for my own child.  I want to lead her, not rule over her.

Please feel free to share your thoughts on how you can bring Tradition 2 into your family group.

If no one has told you they love you today, I do and God does too!!

 

2013 so far…

 

Yesterday I sent off the application for our adoption/foster care adventure.  Devereux Arizona is the center that we are going through, they have been so wonderful.  They guide you through each step and make sure you understand everything.

 

I think I might start yet another blog.  This one is all about recovery, so adoption stuff really has no place here.  I will post updates now and then because it is a part of our recovery.  I do have two other blogs.  I have Dozer’s blog and then my Rants and Stories blog.  Court’s Royal Corner is not the place for the adoptions stuff….so to start another blog or not to start another blog.  I know 3 blogs are hard enough…4 is crazy!  But I feel like there might be people out there who want to hear about adoption or foster care.  I know I went looking for information when we started to talk about it.  What do you all think – should I start another blog?

 

On the recovery front, I didn’t make it to my meeting last night, we tried to quit smoking and hubby is not doing as well with it.  His Job is stressful and he is worried about the projects he is doing here at the house.  I think the adoption stuff is stressing him out a bit too.  So we decided not to go last night, plus it was cold and windy – I didn’t want to leave my warm spot on the sofa.  I am sad that last month was my one year and they didn’t give me a coin.  In AA they ask who has 24 hours, 30 days, multi months, 1 years and so on…   But in my Al-Anon group they just know who has how long and in what month – it’s listed on our phone list.  Well I didn’t get mine and it hurt.  Why should I have to ask for mine?  But that is not Al-anon thinking.  So next week, I will have to figure out how to mention it in the meeting without showing the hurt that I feel inside.  I feel almost like a child, “I want my coin!” But that little round symbol is the symbol of my recovery.  To others its just a coin, but to me it is so much more.  That coin shows that I was able to stick to something, learn from others, make a life change.

 

One year in recovery for me also means one year for this blog.  That makes me so happy to think about all my readers, all of you who add comments, all the support that I have gotten, and all the support I have been able to offer.  It’s what recovery is all about to me.  The support we offer each other, the compassion for another human being who is suffering at that moment and is in need of our help.  Even if that help is just having someone say – “wow that sucks, I am sorry that happened to you”

 

I have been told I need to stop saying I am sorry for things that I have no control over.  I am not taking responsibility for the thing that happened or even trying to personalize it.  It’s just me saying “wow, that sucks and I am sorry that happened to you”  I guess I am alone in the want to have this said to me.  I wish for once someone would just say that to me.  I don’t say what is going on in my head all the time, I don’t say that I am depressed, in pain, sad, angry, upset…what have ya.  If I did I would never shut up about it.  I am in pain ALL the time, I am sad a lot, I stress about money, I stress over if hubby is happy or not, I stress over my health, over if I can pay for my medications that month or not, if we will every really become parents or not, if hubby will freak out and tell me no – tell Devereux we changed our minds.

 

What he said last night really hurt me, and I had no idea how to even tell him.  So I just dropped it.  Sometimes I have to pick my battles, and it wasn’t worth it last night.  There was no reason to engage in a fight, I just let him vent and get it off his chest.  Does it still hurt even though I try not to personalize it, hell yes.  Am I able to let go of it fully? still not able to let things go 100% yet.  But I am working on it.

 

Anyways – I hope you all have a blessed day, Keep praying that we get into the Jan 23rd class.  I love you and God does too!

 

A look at Causes of Relapse…

Causes of Relapse (as offered in AA meetings)
1. Failure to go to AA meetings.
2. Failure to take the 12 steps.
3. Involvement in an emotional relationship.
4. Association with the old crowd.
5. Failure to get a sponsor.
6. Failure to read the Big Book.
7. Desire to achieve oblivion.
8. They didn’t “want it” badly enough.
9. Etc.

I never really drank so I can not relate to all things that an alcoholic is going through.  But I do have an addiction to nicotine.  So I understand how relapsing can make you feel like a failure.  You want to blame others, blame things, blame situations.  We come up with all kinds of reasons as to why it happened to make it OK in our minds that we slipped up.

Here is a distillation of Big Book causes of relapse:
Causes of RELAPSE (according to the Big Book)
Count:
7….a. Failure to grow spiritually.
4….b. Fighting with or harming others.
3….C. Failure to work with other alcoholics.
2….d. Failure to take step 5.
2….e. Attempt to shield from alcohol.
2….f. Failure to make amends.
l….g. Selfishness.
l….h. Resentment.

~ I too can have a relapse back into my old ways.  I could go right back to letting my life be ruled by someone else.  I could go back to being sad, hateful, angry, lonely, with-out faith, with-out hope.  It is always there, ready to pounce.  I have to be active in my thoughts and retain my faith and turn things over to my higher power.  If I take my anger and turn it over – there will not be any negative soil for those nasty things to grow in.

~ I too can relapse back into the craziness that was my life for about 6 years.  Not knowing who I was going to get walking in the door when my husband got home.  I had no idea when he was going to be home and if he was already going to have some beers in him.  I had no way of knowing when he left work, where he stopped on his way home, if he was dead or alive.  I worried about him and feared him at the same time.

~ I don’t want to go back to that way of thinking.  It is getting better day by day.  A little bit at a time I am able to let go of those feelings.  It’s not that they might ever really go away – but it’s what I do with those thoughts and feelings that matters now.  I have to tell myself that I can control it, change it or cause it.

All I can do is pray and turn it over.  Everyone will have to face themselves in the mirror and that is the person who you have to deal with.  That person staring back at you from that shiny piece of glass.  Those eyes that show all your inner most feelings – can you look yourself in the eye?  I know that when I wake up in the morning  – I can do that.  I can face myself knowing that I have done the best that I can and that I am the only person who is truly responsible for my happiness.  I am still working on my 4th step, so I can be ready to move on to the rest – one step at a time.  Is it easy – NO.  But the right thing may not always be the easy thing.  Sometimes the right thing to do is the hardest thing you will ever have to do so far.  One step – one day – one moment – one second – at a time.

 

Circle of friends…

A few Sunday’s ago I was invited to the closed Sunday night AA meeting by a few members to see a friend get his Chip.  13 year sober birthday, I was honored to be invited.  They got a chocolate cake that I could not eat, but that’s OK – it’s what he wanted for a cake.  We had to move our meeting outside due to the regular room being full of items and no one had a key to the other room.  So we grabbed some chairs and made a big circle outside, it was a beautiful cool night in southern Arizona.  We did have to compete with the trains going by, but that was OK too.  Added a bit of atmosphere to the meeting.

Sitting there in the circle with friends, my husband, a new comer – it was just amazing.  Some of us cried, all of us laughed.  It was a night full of stories, prayers, hopes, dreams, fears – It was just amazing all the way around.  I liked sitting in a circle – being able to see everyone as we shared was just so special.

I am so very thankful for the meetings that they open up for me.  I always feel welcomed and they all say how glad they are that I came.  They know that support is a needed part of anyone’s sobriety.  I have tried to make sure Hubby knows I support him.  Now that it is getting cooler at night it might be getting closer to when we can go to the bonfire meetings that they have out here in the desert.  A meeting around a fire with a potluck – oh I am so there.  It was too hot in the summer time even at night to even think about a campfire.

I must apologize for my lengthy time between posts lately.  My life has been crazy, the amount of time I can take to take care of myself is less that I would like.  I consider this something I do for myself.  I get to unleash all the thoughts in my head and get them out of the way.

 

H.A.L.T…..

 

H – Hungry

A – Angry

L – Lonely

T – Tired

Being too hungry, angry, lonely, or tired, are conditions that leave us more vulnerable to the temptations that lead us away from our program of dual recovery. Part of recovery is learning to pay attention to these inner signals and practice appropriate ways to meet our needs and resolve issues in a manner that will enhance our abstinence and serenity.

Why am I so upset?  Why did I say that?  Why did I do that? Whats wrong with me? 

What I should be asking myself is “halt?”  Am I Hungry?  Am I Angry?  Am I Lonely?  Am I Tired?  If I said yes to any of these than what comes out of my mouth may not be the nicest statement.  I might hurt someone with my harsh words, I might hurt myself by letting someone belittle my own feelings, I might let all that bad stuff in because I forgot to take care of my self.  I have to take care of me.  I can not be of any help to anyone, especially myself if I have not taken care of me.

Next few posts will be more on remembering to take care of ourselves first.

 

If no one has told you they love you today, I love you and God does too!

 

My 4th step progress.

Writing a fearless and moral inventory of one’s self is a big step.  After a long busy day at work, a migraine and a rain storm I drove home in – writing about everything I have done or do is cleansing yet exhausting at the same time.  This is a much needed step, and I feel much better already.  Even though I have merely scratched the surface.  Thanks to a hand cramp, becoming sore from sitting in an odd position and pure exhaustion, I have done all i care to do for the rest of the night of my step 4.

It’s not a race and its all on my time, so I don’t feel bad about how far I still have to go.  I am proud of how far I have come thus far with this step.  If I dwell on the negative all the time, the good things in life don’t get their time to shine.  Negative soil will never grow positive things.  So i will be putting positive thoughts into my days and into my feelings.

If no one has told you they love you today, I love you and God does too.

*Written on my android wordpress app*

12_steps_of_aa-080131a

12_steps_of_aa-080131a (Photo credit: beachblogger42)

So tonight we traveled to another town and went to a  speaker AA meeting that we had been invited to attend.  It was a meeting to celebrate the 41st anniversary(also knows as a birthday) of the sweetest lady I have ever met.  It was nice to hear the story of how she came to be an AA.  I say an AA now after hearing a member of that meeting speak.  It was almost as if my Higher power had sent me to this very meeting to answer a question I had on this very day.

As I was getting ready to make the 22 mile drive tonight with my husband, I thought about how I would introduce myself.  Am I in Al-Anon or am I an Al-Anon.  Well, wouldn’t you know that a man at this very meeting would talk about just that.  Is it in AA or an AA.  He said that he felt that if you wanted AA only in your head – then you were just in AA and not fully in it for your recovery.  If the recovery was in your heart, then you were an AA.  So I was feeling the same way then.  To me I am an Al-Anon and not just in Al-Anon.

But I digress, Hearing how this couple had been together and both of them AA for 41 years now – it was beyond words.  To hear of people speak of them in the kindest of love, how their home and hearts are always open, how even after all these years – they walk to and from the meetings hand in hand.  It brought tears to my eyes.

Holding that chip that said 41 in roman numerals on the front had such a power to it.  As that coin made it around the room, each member touching it, holding it and each one adding thoughts of hope and prayers for one day being there them selves.  It really made me feel this blessed sensation.  Once I heard the respective years of sobriety starting to be expressed from each member – the numbers rolled around in my head.  There were hundreds of years in the very room.

Hearing the serenity pray being said by that many gave me the chills.  Then after the meeting when we all stood and held hands, you could just feel the love for one another come pouring through each set of hands.  And then we said the lords prayer, it sounded unlike any lords prayer I had ever taken part in.  No one was somber, no one was standing there cause they felt they had to.  We thanked our God, As we understood him, and all the voices in that room sounded calm, clear and proud.  It made me proud just to be standing there with them.

AA meeting sign

AA meeting sign (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

The community that I have found myself in now is heart warming.  These folks welcome you with open minds and hearts – and almost always open arms.  I am a hugger through and through – and is a good thing I am because withing the walls of AA and Al-Anon you will get all the hugs you want.

 

If no one has told you they love you today, I love you and God does too!

 

 

Four horsemen…

Four Horsemen (American football)

Four Horsemen (American football) (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

BB p.151, A Vision For You:   Momentarily we did — then would come oblivion and the awful awakening to face the hideous Four Horsemen — Terror, Bewilderment, Frustration, Despair.

I have felt all of these, the four horsemen followed me around for a long time.  They would take turns trying to tear me to my knees.  I get a lot out of the AA big book as I do my Al-Anon daily reader.  If you have yet to read the To the Wives chapter, I highly recommend it.  I need to re-red it myself now that my head is ready to wrap its self around being in recovery.  I was not ready to embrace the concept of being in the desperate need of recovery myself.

I try to read items from both my Al-Anon books and my husbands AA book.  Going to the AA meetings and reading the big book has helped me understand who I am dealing with.  Just because he is sober doesn’t mean he doesn’t still have some of the same thoughts and feelings.  But what is changed is how we both react to those thoughts and feelings.  I can not change him in any way, what I can change is how I react to them.  I can only control myself, that is a full-time job as it is so I should not even dare to try to take on controlling someone else.  I think that is what happened, I tried to control so many other things that I had no choice but to give up the control that I had over myself.

Frustration still haunts me, I still have an issue with that one.  I get frustrated over things, but I try not to let it over take me.  If it is a valid frustration then I need to approach the matter with a calm head.  If it is something that is out of my control then I need to let go of the frustration, cause it is only effecting me at that point.  I need to stay calm and ask the person to stop doing something, or ask them to help me if that what I need.  People are not mind readers.

Cover of "Alcoholics Anonymous: The Story...

Cover via Amazon

 

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