Tag Archive: Anger


Why so negative?

Why must I always jump to something negative?  This morning I saw a Van parked halfway in a business driveway and a tire up on the sidewalk.  It looked to me like someone had started their day with a cocktail, or maybe had yet to make it home from their night of “fun.”  I instantly when to this negative thought process of, why don’t people get a DD?  Why must they put not only their own life in harm’s way but others on the road?

As I was spiraling down into my own private pissed off little world – I passed where the van was and was able to see what was really going on.  Sitting with his back against the fence was a homeless man, you could tell he was at his darkest hour.  I could read the pain and suffering on his face.  Kneeling down in front of him was a man dressed all in black with a bright white collar.  A man of faith had stopped his van to offer some comfort to a soul in need.  He had the other guys hands held tight in his grasp and his head bent in prayer.

This made me change my attitude right quickly.  I felt like I had been slapped by some spiritual hand.  Get out of your funk girl, not everything is bad.  Just cause some bad things have happened doesn’t mean that everything that happens is somehow bad.  Even if I don’t get my way, even if I don’t get the answer that I want, and even if I am missing out something I want to do – it is not the right time for those things and the powers that be (who know better than me) are guiding me to where I need to be.

I took Monday and Tuesday off work due to feeling very under the weather.  Last week we rolled out some new software at work and it didn’t go as to plan.  I work Tech support phones so you know who got the brunt of the pissed off end users who were dealing with pissed off people they were trying to take care of.  I try very hard not to take what they say to heart, but for some reason on Monday and Tuesday of last week it was a little on the impossible side.  I had a really hard time on Monday.

I forgot to HALT (hungry, angry, lonely, tired) I was all of those things and I was also in pain and that always adds to those.  I am in pain about 80% of the time so you think I would be able to control myself while in pain.  But when you add all of those other things, being overwhelmed and in a lot of pain (migraine) it will make for a very unstable Courtney.  I was angry, mad, explosive.  I did a pretty good job of not taking it out on the end users, cause well it was not their fault.  (mostly) However, I was not as calm after I hung up from someone who was just not grasping what it was she should have been doing.  I am not a trainer, I do not know all the work flows and I can only go off of the information I was given.  This happened to be the same study guide that she was reading from.  I calmly asked her to talk to her supervisor after I just could not get her to understand what she should have been doing next and she got very upset with me and started to yell at me.  I again asked her to get her supervisor.  After the call was over I put my phone on the hook very calmly.  I then picked it up and slammed down the handset about 4 times.  I felt much better after that, till I realized that the director of my department had seen it.  He had me stand up and slow dance with him for a few seconds and it made me laugh.  That was just what I needed.  Him and I have always been able to talk about things, he knows all of what I went through this past year and I know a lot of what he has been through with his own struggles.

It seemed that I was starting down this path of being pissy.  Even my boss asked me if I was OK cause I looked stressed.  HA!  Stressed – who me?  How could I be stressed with 10 voice mails at any given point during the day, screaming end users and a lot of IM‘s and emails to deal with – who could be stressed with all of that?  So they could tell just by looking at me, hmmm….something has to change.  I decided that I could only fix one thing at a time.  Like in recovery, one day at a time – one step at a time.  I would just take one call at a time – If there was voice mails I would deal with them one at a time.  If I got a lot of them, I started to hand them out to the guys.  It worked and I was able to stay calm.

My husband told me about the three D’s.

Do

Delegate

Drop it

You need to do it if you can.  Delegate if you can’t.  Drop it if it is out of your hands.

It helps me not stress about things that are no longer in my hands.  If I turned it over to someone else then I need to let them deal with it.  Now with my job I do have to check back on things to make sure that they are taken care of, due to the nature of the business that I am in.  But I need to not stress about it anymore.  I turned things over to the guys and let them deal with them.  I handled what I could and took it just one at a time.  My Wed, Thursday and Friday went much better than the first part of the week.  I had some back pain and just pushed it off as stress.  As the weekend showed up I felt like crap and spent a lot of my time just being lazy.  Sunday morning I woke up very early to the feeling that I was going to be sick and that feeling was very right.  I ran to the other end of the house to the front bathroom and thought I was going to die.  After what felt like an  hour, I returned to bed to find everyone still soundly sleeping.  (hubby and the three furry kids)

So I spent most of Sunday being very careful of my movements, my back hurt but again I pushed it off as something else.  I planned on going to bed early but didn’t quite get there.  It was a very storm night so it took me a while to get to sleep.  When 5am Monday morning hit and the alarm went off, I knew that there was no way I was going to make it in.  I had taken the medication I have for the sick feeling that comes with migraines Sunday night.  It’s a narcotic and makes you very loopy and sleepy.  So when I woke up I still felt it in my system.  I knew work was going to be slammed with calls again but I had to take care of myself.  I have health issues and have not always taken care of myself.  That was part of being co-dependent.  The first sign of co-dependance is the lack of taking care of one’s self.  That was me for sure.

So I called in, (I also had to call Verizon tech support to fix txting on our phones, stopped working on Friday and needed a land line to call from)  spent the day on the sofa.  I did go see my mom for a bit and used her phone to make a few calls.  (wow I turned this into a “make a long story LONGER” thing) So anyways by the time I woke up on Tuesday the pain in my back had gone to my kidney.  I had stopped taking care of myself again.  I had not been drinking as much water as I should have been and living in the sand all my life you would think I would know better.  I have had many kidney infections due to this very reason.

So I slammed the cranberry juice and water and made it back to work today.  So now that I have made this post longer than I had set out to do, I will end with this.

Take care of yourself first.

Stop being negative.

Remember to HALT.

Drink lots of water!

And as always:

If no one has told you they love you today, I love you and God does too!

 

Advertisements

The Wolves Within

A Cherokee Legend:

One evening an old Cherokee Indian told his grandson about a battle that goes on inside people. He said, ‘My son, the battle is between two ‘wolves’ inside us all.One is Evil. It is anger, envy, jealousy, sorrow, regret, greed, arrogance, self-pity, guilt, resentment, inferiority, lies, false pride, superiority, and ego. The other is good. It is joy, peace, love, hope, serenity, humility, kindness, benevolence, empathy, generosity, truth, compassion and faith.’ The grandson thought about it for a minute and then asked his grandfather: ‘Which wolf wins?’ The old Cherokee simply replied, ‘The one you feed.’

This is a very true feeling for me.  It’s the fight between good and evil within ourselves, you have to decide which wolf to feed.  Hy husband brought this story home from his substance abuse class tonight and I just had to share.  For some of us the bad wolf might be a drug, a drink, a doughnut or something else we use to harm ourselves or others.  The other wolf is the good wolf and is telling us to not take the drugs, put down that drink, don’t eat that doughnut and cause no harm.

Its like the little angel and devil that sit on your shoulders.  The one who wins is the one you listen to.  It’s hard to always run the path of good over evil.  Sometimes the evil path is the easier one, but I have learned that the right choice to make is not always the easiest.  Things worth having are worth the fight, you just have to be willing to put your paws up and fight for it.  Fight the urge to drink, use, abuse and to feed that big bad wolf.

Missing Husband: Episode 1

For a while I felt like I had lost my husband.  I am not quite sure where he had gone, or exactly when I had lost him.  I kept searching and searching for my lost love, but he had been replaced by a man who looked just like my husband – but was not him in the slightest.  The longer I would look at him or hear his voice the more and more he started to seem like a stranger.  He really didn’t look like my husband after all.  He was angry all the time and had no laughter or love in his eyes.  He no longer sounded like my husband, all he did was yell and cuss and say nasty things.  I no longer cared if he spent almost all evening outside in his shop.  I would eat all my meals alone, I would watch TV and movies alone.  Sometimes I even fell asleep in an empty bed.  I would wake up in the middle of the night and find him passed out and snoring in my husband’s chair.

Every once in a while, my husband would show up.  He would laugh, smile, hug me and say he loved me.  I would have these glimmers of hope that maybe, just maybe he was coming back to me.  These glimpses of my husband, who was trapped inside the mind of this bully that was living in my home were getting shorter and shorter.  It was like there was this evil twin side to my husband and he was taking over.  Like a Dr Jekyll and Mr Hyde thing, the longer he drank the potion (beer) to become Mr Hyde, the longer and longer the effect would have.  I had feared that if too much time had passed that I might never see my Dr Jekyll (hubby) again.  The names he would call me, the things he would yell while we were having a fight were horrific.  I am not sure when I lost my spine, but the second he would start yelling, it would run away like a smacked dog, leaving my to stare at him with a blank look on my face.

I didn’t dare say anything that could set him off more, I never thought he would do anything to directly cause me harm, but he had admitted that when he got upset enough he would black out.  Most of the time after he got it all off his chest he would hold me and I would cry.  He would promise never to do it again and life went on very nice and happy for a while.  Last spring He broke his hand during a drunken moment of bad judgement.

For almost a month after that he had not touched a single drop of alcohol.  I was so proud, YES – see he can do this.  What I failed to see at that time was that he was taking the pain killers the Dr had giving him.  He didn’t need the alcohol, the pain killers were doing the trick of making him numb.  So when the pain meds ran out and the cast came off, he started to drink again.  But this time it was much slower and he was calmer about it.  I thought, ok see, no big deal.

To be continued….

Becky's Bad Dates....

Why Did I Shave My Legs For This?!?!

Inside Kel's Kitchen

Love to eat, love to cook, and trying to keep it healthy!

Holly Brockwell

Writer, founder, influencer

Hugh's Views & News

A man with dyslexia writing about this and that and everything else!

the harmonious two

stories & dreams from a couple of music lovers

kelsurfs

Please follow my actual food blog at https://insidekelskitchen.wordpress.com!

Logical Quotes

Logical and Inspirational quotes

songsfortheday

posting a song each day you should hear.

I Was A Foster Kid

About growing up in the foster care system

House of Kellen

Energy healing and Rune Reading

Homemade with Mess

who wants life to be tidy when you can have more fun making a mess??!

YARNutopia by Nadia Fuad

All things Yarn Related: Crochet, DIY, and Crafts

Chronic Pain Cockney - The Little Things

Living with Chronic (in fact, daily) Migraine, IIH & Chiari is tough. Sometimes I blog about it; other times I indulge my love of pretty things & review beauty products instead.

Sleeping Geeks

Sleep by Day - Geek by Night

random rants ruminations ramblings

different times, different thoughts

Crochet with Raymond

The mad adventures of a lesbi@n hooker and her siamese cat!

Ray Ferrer - Emotion on Canvas

** OFFICIAL Site of Artist Ray Ferrer **

Smart Discount Shop

Discover all the creative and ingenious ways to save money !