So – 8 and a half days into becoming a non-smoker.  It has been a little harder this time than the others.  But this time I know its for good.  It has to be, I can’t keep doing this to my body and expect it to continue to forgive me.  With the upcoming life change of becoming parents, the bank account that reminded me all the time that smoking was expensive and waking up feeling like crap every morning – it was becoming really apparent that we needed to change this.  Hubby did break down and buy a pack last week so he is only at about 2 days at this point – but he didn’t drink or snap at me too bad during his first few days or even now.  His current job played a big role in him breaking down I fear.

He is still unhappy and still looking, but there is not a lot out there that is worth a damn or closer to home.  A 75 mile round trip everyday is killing us in fuel.  I hope he finds something that he likes and a better environment.  He likes what he does – just not the people or environment that he has to work in.

My work is going better this year – taking 11 days off really helped me stay calmer and recharge.  I get burnt out sometimes – its hard to unwind once in a while.  I have been cooking dinner almost every night – trying to work on a menu so that when Baby Girl gets here we have a bit of a set dinner routine.  I don’t cook with beef or pork, so its just chicken, turkey and fish.  I also cook lots of veggies (hubby is not a veggie person or a fish fan) and always try to have fresh or canned fruit in the house.  I know it going to be hard to get them used to our meal plans or trying to figure out that they like, if they have allergies or what they just will refuse to eat.  I had a picky eater for a sister growing up and a somewhat picky eater for a husband.  so I am a bit used to cooking 2 dinners – what he wants and usually fish and a Veggie for me.  I really don’t want to cook 3 different dinners every night.  if she has special diet requirements then I might have to, and that’s OK.  I want to introduce her to a healthy way to cook and that fruits and veggies are yummy.

So – I think this week I am going to try to make it to my meeting.  I hope hubby gets home on time so we can go, I really don’t want to go there alone.  OK, let me rephrase that – I don’t get to spend much time with him as it is, going to a meeting without him is yet more time that we are not with each other – after being separated summer of 2011, I am not a fan of it.  I know I can do things on my own now where as before when I was thick in my sticking thinking I thought that I just could no longer live if he was not in my life.  I know that I CAN, I just don’t WANT to.  And that’s how I have changed and grown with the help of Al-anon.

Not that the adoption paperwork is done – I might try to get back at my step four.  The application was like a step four, they asked all kinds of searching questions.  I had to be fearless and answer them truthfully.

If no one has told you they love you today, I love you and God does too!!