Tag Archive: Blame


Guilt/blame

behavioral self-blame – undeserved blame based on actions. Victims who experience behavioral self-blame feel that they should have done something differently, and therefore feel at fault.

I felt this a lot, like somehow I deserved what was happening to me.  I let it happen, but it was not my fault or something I deserved.  I know that a lot of you out there feel the same.  I hear it night after night in group or in the articles I read.  I used to think God was punishing me for something.  God doesn’t punish us, but he will tap you on the shoulder and say “Hey, you are not listening!”  It sometimes takes a few taps to get my attention.

My husband was such a good drinker, that he could make you feel bad for him and almost agree with him drinking.  He had a bad day at work – ok go have a drink.  His parents disowned him – ok go have a drink.  He would even get people to feel bad and join in with his drinking.  If anyone was cutting down or trying to stop he would succeed almost every-time to get them to drink with him.  Heck, he even got me to drink a few beers with him and I HATE the taste of beer.

If this sounds at all like what you have seen or gone through, never fear, you are not alone!  This is part of the alcoholic brain, they are able to get you to feel sorry for them or mad at them.  Either way they can use your emotion as a reason to give themselves permission to drink.  They give themselves permission to drink and get drunk cause of something someone else did, said or made them feel.

unmanageable

I am powerless of over alcohol and my life has become unmanageable.

– Lets take a look at the word unmanageable now.

unmanageable

adj.
Difficult or impossible to manage, as:

  1. Not submitting to discipline; unruly: an unmanageable child.
  2. Difficult to keep under control or within limits: unmanageable traffic congestion.
  3. Awkward; unwieldy: unmanageable bundles.

If you suffer with the addiction or if you are watching a loved one suffer, you know what that feels like.  Even if you have not admitted to it yet, you still know what it feels like.  Every part of my life suffered.  I wasn’t sleeping so my work suffered.  I didn’t have time to keep up on the house cleaning, so that suffered.  He was unwilling to help me with the house, so it had started to look abandoned.  It has taken a while with us both recovering to start to open our eyes to what had happened around us.  So now we can start painting the house, fixing water leaks, replacing the carpet with wood floors.  He can go out to his shop and work on cars instead of drinking night after night.  I know he wants to get one of his projects done before summer and then start on the next one.  I hope that during the summer when it is too hot he can come in and help me with the house.

We used to blame each other for the house being a mess, we did the same thing with his drinking.  He would drink, get mean and that would make me mad.  So then he would drink cause I was mad, it was a never-ending snowball that just grew and grew.  The house was a mess cause he would not pick anything up, I got tired of cleaning up after him while he was drunk.  He would spend more time outside cause the house was a mess, I would get mad and then he would drink more.  See how it’s this never-ending blame shift, we both blamed the other and were the cause of each others anger.

Blame shiftBlaming others can lead to a “kick-the-dog effect” where individuals in a hierarchy blame their immediate subordinate, and this propagates down the hierarchy until the lowest rung (the “dog”). A 2009 experimental study has shown that blaming can be contagious even for uninvolved onlookers. Blame is utilized as a social control technique.

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