Tag Archive: Came to Believe


another month down…

We are fast approaching the end of February and I am ready for a new month and the next step.  Step two wasCame to believe that a Power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity.”

Looking back I don’t think I touched on the Second tradition at all, so let me take some time to reflect on the second tradition. “For our group purpose there is but one ultimate authority—a loving God as He may express Himself in our group conscience. Our leaders are but trusted servants; they do not govern.”  I feel that I am a trusted servant, who uses the power of words to hopefully bring some hope to someone who might feel very much alone at the moment.  I have been there, I know how it feels.  I feel that my Higher Power gives me the wisdom of the words that flow from my fingertips as they fly across these keys on my laptop keyboard.  This is a bit of my meditation time, a little bit of time I take out of every day to sit and pour my feelings, thoughts and wishes of hope out so that they can reach out to others who might also be in need.  Or I might reach out to someone who could offer insight or experience that I might not have heard other wise.

Part of my healing process is this blog right here, if I can’t sleep cause I have to get something off my chest – I log in and spill it.  Then I can roll over and go right back to sleep.  I know that I do not have all the answers – nor do I need to have them.  All I need to know is that I am only in control of how I react to things, how I let them rent space in my head and how I will let it go and move on.  If you have questions, I may not be able to answer them, I might just be able to point you in the right direction.  Things will not happen over night but they do get easier.  Times are still hard, I still spend a lot of time alone.  He has his program and things that he does to stay sober or just plain work on getting rid of his stress or anger on his own.  I have to except that yes he is sober, yes he still spends time doing other tings with out me, yes I can be strong on my own.  Being alone for me is so scary, I get caught up in my own crazy dark thoughts.  Or if I have a migraine I fear that something bad will happen to me and I will be all alone.

Some people fear other people and I can’t say I blame them.  I am not always comfortable around strangers, but I am VERY uncomfortable being all alone.  I know that he needs his time, I know he likes his classes and his meetings.  I can not have 100% of his time and I guess it hurts a bit because we used to be like that.  But it’s not “we used to” any more, this is my new normal till the next new normal comes around.  It just takes a little time getting used to something different, lord knows my life has been full of change these last few months.

 

If no one has told you they love you today, I love you and God does too!

Advertisements

Could…

Taken from my comment on Rex’s post about “We Can’t Think Our Way Sober’

I like how step 2 says “could restore us to sanity”  Could is a very important word there, because it starts with us.  We have to admit, then we have to believe and then we can begin to be restored to sanity if we can let go and let “god” (as we understood him) restore us.

Our Higher Power could restore us to sanity, that whats I have to always remember.  That I still need to do my part so that I can be restored.  If my higher power is to be able to assist me in any way, I have to be able to let go of what it is that is troubling me.  And honestly let go, I will sometimes say I let go of something but am still holding onto a strand of it.  Not wanting to give up full control over the outcome, when truth is I have never had control over the outcome from the beginning but I thought I did.  I still have a bit of an issue doing this, but I am getting better.  The hardest thing to do this with is when we have bad weather or my migraines.  I try to panic about the bad storm and try to think out all the outcomes and worry about stuff that has not happened yet.  With my migraines I worry about what others will think if I can’t do something or want to lay down for a while.  Can not change how they see me and if I have to go lay down, then that’s what I have to do.  I will pray that my higher power helps me though the storm either outside or in my head and then I sit back and wait for the rainbow.
I can’t think my way out of the migraine, that might just make it worse.  I can’t expect my husband to out think his addiction, we both tried it and it didn’t work.  I am happy that his recovery and my recover from that part is well underway and we are both doing so well.  We both have come so far.  But I just with the migraines would try to catch up on the recover process.  But all I can do it take life one day at a time, so in turn all I can do is take it one migraine at a time as well.  I worried all the time that if I got sick like my mom or if the migraines got any worse that he would leave me.  Why would he want to stay with a sick person?  Well I stayed with him while he was sick, all I can do is have faith that he will be there and my higher power will be there.  I need to not keep my fears inside and learn to give up control to the ones who truly have control over them.

If no one has told you they love you today, I love you and God does too!

came to…

Ok – Step two says “Came to believe that a Power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity.”  Hubby and I were talking about this step and he said that he felt that the come to was like waking up.  “come to after passing out”  Like he woke up and realized that he needed a higher power in his life.   I would have to agree that I also felt like I had been asleep, or trapped is more like it in this dream of someone else’s life.  Looked like me – sounded like me – but sure didn’t behave like I wanted them to.  I would have this voice in the back of my head that was telling me the right things to do – but my fear or stubbornness would not allow it.  I maintained the course to self destruct mode, it was a lot easier letting someone be the blame behind how I felt.  I felt so bad because I stood by and let it happen.  I let it happen to me, let them get in my head, I internalized the anger and pain.

Just this weekend we had an issue, Hubby realized that he had yelled at me about not doing something he himself had walked past twice and not done it either.  So after yelling at me about it, he just did it and went out to his shop to decompress for a while.  I thought he was just so upset with me that he could not stand to be in the house and blah blah blah – right back into the freak out mode I had been stuck in for years.  He left before the fight could start and before he said something bad.  I took his silence as “OMG the world is coming to an end.”  I do realize that if I had a sponsor, that I could have called her and talked it out – more than likely came to that very thing.  Instead I lost sleep over it, felt like an utter mess for the rest of the weekend until we talked about it last night before bed.  Geesh, why did it take us 24 hours to talk about it?!  He apologized and I admitted to internalizing it.  so, we still have things to work on.  I am just happy that we were both able to see our mistakes and come clean about it.

That step comes a bit later, but I do like being able to recognize when I have done something wrong and promptly apologize for it.

If no one has told you they love you today, I love you and God does too!

Goal: Sanity

So, to honor my dear friend, I wish to comment on Step Two, which reads:

2. Came to believe that a power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity.

The title for this entry I actually got from the daily reflections AA book I have.

…Step Two gently and very gradually began to infiltrate my life. I can’t say upon what occasion or upon what day I came to believe in a Power greater than myself, but I certainly have that belief now.” (Twelve Steps And Twelve Traditions pg. 27)

For me this was not a coming to believe or needing to learn to believe, but rather, to remember how God restored me to sanity back when I got clean in 2009. Each of our individual Higher Powers can and will “Restore” us to sanity.

I like how the word restore sounds, and certainly, I love what it means.

RESTORE:

verb (used with object), -stored, -stor·ing.

1. to bring back into existence, use, or the like; reestablish: torestore order.
2. to bring back to a former, original, or normal condition, as abuilding, statue, or painting.
3. to bring back to a state of health, soundness, or vigor.
4. to put back to a former place, or to a former position, rank,etc.: to restore the king to his throne.
5. to give back; make return or restitution of (anything takenaway or lost).
So for me I really needed to not just be restored to sanity, but find out how I lost it. In life we sometimes need to re-trace our steps to find what was lost, and in like manner we need to do so with addiction to anything. When I finally locked into where I lost my way, it came down to me forgetting to do some basic things that had gotten me on the road to sanity in the first place.
Things as simple as praying, studying scriptures (again, this was what worked for me), helping others continually and finally going to church. As soon as I stopped placing significant importance on those four things, I slowly but surely lost my way.
So, can we all be restored to some sense of sanity? You bet we can! God bless you all!

Step 2 –  Came to believe that a Power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity

Hubby said to him the “came to” in this step means he woke up, I agree.  I was in a dream state – a surreal nightmare that had become my life.  I was aboard this crazy train that was on the war path to a bridge that was out.  I was bound to hit rock bottom and there was not conductor directing the train.  I had been the conductor of my crazy train for a while, then when my sorrow and depression reached its peak I just gave up.  I let go of the wheel and locked the door.  No one could get to the wheel and I was headed out of control.  While sitting in the AA meeting for hubby’s 6 month chip, I saw the red light flashing saying that I was going to crash but chose to ignore it.  About halfway through that meeting it hit me, unlock the door so that my higher power can get me on the right track before I crash and burn!  Once I did that the alarms went off and the flashing red light turned off, I had been saved from the bottomless pit of my self despair.

After reading that you might think that I have yet to get my sanity back, but that’s truly how I felt then.  I was lost, helpless, hopeless, alone, depressed, and desperate.  I felt like I could not to talk to anyone cause no one would understand me.  Anytime I tried to talk to my friends they would not see what I did, the act we had become so good at doing was too good at hiding the pain and trouble we had.  At the same time as soon as someone would voice concern I would come up with all kinds of excuses.  The lies were hard to keep up with, sometimes I would forget who was told what.  I hated to lie, made me feel sick inside, but I could not let on that things had gotten that bad.  I could not stand it if I started to get pity from people.

I had enough self-pity, I could not take it from others on top of it.  I always had what I felt was a good spiritual foundation, but my relationship with God was always fuzzy.  My parents allowed me to go to church with all my friends.  So I went to christen church youth nights, Mormon church dances and functions.  I had friends who were Wiccan, pagan, atheist and what I feel that I am – agnostic.  When I say I am agnostic it doesn’t mean that I don’t believe in God, I don’t believe in one religion over another.  I like some parts from each one, but too many have thing I do not believe in for me to set myself to a commitment to just one.  In a way I feel like a part of all of them, so that is me.  I do not belong to one group or one belief.  The only belief that I have is that of sobriety and serenity, Faith and my higher power.

I talk to my higher power a lot, mostly in the car.  That seems to be when I need the most help!  My higher power is not always God, most of the time it is and he is the under laying faith in every part of my life now.  But sometime when I talk to my higher power I thing of my grandfather or someone who has passed on but still watches over me.  Remember, higher power is God as You understand him.  So that is the way that I understand my higher power.

If no one has told you they love you today, I love you and God does too!

Becky's Bad Dates....

Why Did I Shave My Legs For This?!?!

Inside Kel's Kitchen

Love to eat, love to cook, and trying to keep it healthy!

Holly Brockwell

Writer, founder, influencer

Hugh's Views & News

A man with dyslexia writing about this and that and everything else!

the harmonious two

stories & dreams from a couple of music lovers

kelsurfs

Please follow my actual food blog at https://insidekelskitchen.wordpress.com!

Logical Quotes

Logical and Inspirational quotes

songsfortheday

posting a song each day you should hear.

I Was A Foster Kid

About growing up in the foster care system

House of Kellen

Energy healing and Rune Reading

Homemade with Mess

who wants life to be tidy when you can have more fun making a mess??!

YARNutopia by Nadia Fuad

All things Yarn Related: Crochet, DIY, and Crafts

Chronic Pain Cockney - The Little Things

Living with Chronic (in fact, daily) Migraine, IIH & Chiari is tough. Sometimes I blog about it; other times I indulge my love of pretty things & review beauty products instead.

Sleeping Geeks

Sleep by Day - Geek by Night

random rants ruminations ramblings

different times, different thoughts

Crochet with Raymond

The mad adventures of a lesbi@n hooker and her siamese cat!

Ray Ferrer - Emotion on Canvas

** OFFICIAL Site of Artist Ray Ferrer **

Smart Discount Shop

Discover all the creative and ingenious ways to save money !