Tag Archive: Faith


G.O.D. Good Orderly Direction

“It is when we try to make our will conform with God‘s that we begin to use it rightly. To all of us, this was a most wonderful revelation. Our whole trouble had been the misuse of willpower. We had tried to bombard our problems with it instead of attempting to bring it into agreement with God’s intention for us. To make this increasingly possible is the purpose of A.A.’s Twelve Steps, and Step Three opens the door.”

Twelve Steps & Twelve Traditions Page 40

I recently (On 3/10/12) did my steps 4,5,6 and 7 and found out some information about myself that I was able to see for some time now, but refused to look at it. A sense of pride clouded my addictions, and like termites to a foundation, when the right storm came in I came down. I did not have the right order of God and structure in my life. That order is a task, even a chore some days, to keep on the front lines of our concerns. Complacency is our deepest and deadliest enemy next to the drug we used to favor. When we think we are ok, and no longer need the order, that is when we are most ready to fall.

As I sat in the meeting on 3/12/12 I heard that same warning cast out by another man, now trembling and very visibly shaken. He had become a strength he said, and a person who dealt with many sponsee’s, but the moment he stopped daily prayer and meditation, was the moment he was preparing himself for catastrophe. Without specifics he repeated his warning, and then said (Im paraphrasing adding much here:) that his complacency cost him 8 years on Sobriety Street, now he is trying to move of Addict Avenue once more.

The best thing I needed years ago, and that he needed recently, was G.O.D. Some Good Orderly Direction! If I keep God in my life, I keep good chances of sobriety- ALWAYS taking it one day at a time.

Wow March already!  I must apologize for being a day late with my welcome to the new month post.  I was quite ill yesterday with a migraine, I try to get a post in even through the pain,

ghost god (pike and 12th)

but I just could not muster the energy.  I just could not put out a post just for the sake of a post that had not heart or feeling in it.  I only put up posts that have my heart and feelings in them, cause well that is the point here.  I just don’t post to post.  Anyways – let’s get on to the matter at hand, step 3!

Step 3: Made a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of God as we understood Him.

OK, God as we understood him.  This is how you see your god, your higher power – for it says as we understood him.  Some people pray to nature, some people pray to the sandals, robe and long hair god, some pray to the ancient roman gods – who ever it is, what ever form they take in our mind – you must be willing to trust them.  You must be willing to hand things over and for most, including myself, this can be easier said than done.  As I have said before, things that are worth doing, things that are the right thing to do, things that we know better about all along – they are never easy.  If it were easy we might not be where we are right now, I know that’s what I did.  I took the path of disrepair and  negativity cause it was easier to give up than fight.   It was easier to hold on to my anger and resentment.  It gave me an excuse to feel like crap.  I gave myself permission to accept all the bad stuff in my life and blame others.  Was his drinking my fault, no.  Was the way I let it into my head my fault, yes.  I am not here to fix my addict, I am here because of him.  Am I here to learn how to fix him, no.  I am here to learn the tools needed to carry on my life that has been effected by alcohol. God, the Father watches us all everywhere.

I had to first admit to the problem at hand, I then had to believe that I could be restored, now I have to believe that I can not to this without help.  Lord knows sitting at home alone with my negative thoughts and actions got me no where for over 5 years, I can give this a try!  I have to tell myself all the time to let go, but as much as I try – I still hold on to the smallest of thread holding that problem to me.

After my meeting last night I was talking to a new comer to our group who is having a hard time, I gave her a bunch of hugs and a few words of comfort.  I told  her that I was where she is right now all but a few months back.  I passed on the Lego that I had been given my first night in Al-Anon.  It came with a story talking o letting go and using the Lego to help to remember to do so.  I thought that she might get some use from it as I had when I first found the program.

Lego bricks

  If no one has told you they love you today, I love you and God does too!

Welcome to Febuary and to Step 2…

Step 2 –  Came to believe that a Power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity

Hubby said to him the “came to” in this step means he woke up, I agree.  I was in a dream state – a surreal nightmare that had become my life.  I was aboard this crazy train that was on the war path to a bridge that was out.  I was bound to hit rock bottom and there was not conductor directing the train.  I had been the conductor of my crazy train for a while, then when my sorrow and depression reached its peak I just gave up.  I let go of the wheel and locked the door.  No one could get to the wheel and I was headed out of control.  While sitting in the AA meeting for hubby’s 6 month chip, I saw the red light flashing saying that I was going to crash but chose to ignore it.  About halfway through that meeting it hit me, unlock the door so that my higher power can get me on the right track before I crash and burn!  Once I did that the alarms went off and the flashing red light turned off, I had been saved from the bottomless pit of my self despair.

After reading that you might think that I have yet to get my sanity back, but that’s truly how I felt then.  I was lost, helpless, hopeless, alone, depressed, and desperate.  I felt like I could not to talk to anyone cause no one would understand me.  Anytime I tried to talk to my friends they would not see what I did, the act we had become so good at doing was too good at hiding the pain and trouble we had.  At the same time as soon as someone would voice concern I would come up with all kinds of excuses.  The lies were hard to keep up with, sometimes I would forget who was told what.  I hated to lie, made me feel sick inside, but I could not let on that things had gotten that bad.  I could not stand it if I started to get pity from people.

I had enough self-pity, I could not take it from others on top of it.  I always had what I felt was a good spiritual foundation, but my relationship with God was always fuzzy.  My parents allowed me to go to church with all my friends.  So I went to christen church youth nights, Mormon church dances and functions.  I had friends who were Wiccan, pagan, atheist and what I feel that I am – agnostic.  When I say I am agnostic it doesn’t mean that I don’t believe in God, I don’t believe in one religion over another.  I like some parts from each one, but too many have thing I do not believe in for me to set myself to a commitment to just one.  In a way I feel like a part of all of them, so that is me.  I do not belong to one group or one belief.  The only belief that I have is that of sobriety and serenity, Faith and my higher power.

I talk to my higher power a lot, mostly in the car.  That seems to be when I need the most help!  My higher power is not always God, most of the time it is and he is the under laying faith in every part of my life now.  But sometime when I talk to my higher power I thing of my grandfather or someone who has passed on but still watches over me.  Remember, higher power is God as You understand him.  So that is the way that I understand my higher power.

If no one has told you they love you today, I love you and God does too!

Punished…

I lost my faith for a very long time.  It was not just my faith in God, I lost faith in almost everything.  I was sure, 100% sure that God was punishing me for something.  I even told friends I felt that I was being punished for something.  But once I got my head in a better place I realized that it was self punishment.  Once I realized that the Lord wasn’t punishing me, I was able to get my faith back in a lot of things.  More and more of that faith started to rush back to me, and that’s when it hit me.  Not only had I lost my faith in things, but I am sure that others had begun to have less faith in me as well.

I had to tell myself, the Lord doesn’t punish me, just will tap me on the shoulder and say “you are not listening to me” so I stop and listen to the answers even if it is not what I want to hear.  Not all answers to our problems are pleasant ones and most of the time they are never easy either, but the right choice is hardly ever the easy choice.  Having faith back in my life is like having happiness back in my life.  They go hand in hand it seems, even though the hard times I find myself still happy as long as I keep my head up and faith in my heart.

I had lost my faith in being happy ever again, I thought “well this is my life now I better just get used to it.”  I would make dinner, clean, do laundry and all the while being yelled at that it wasn’t good enough.  So as I stopped caring and just stopped doing everything, I still got yelled at but at least I wasn’t doing the work and getting yelled at.  I immersed myself into online games, cause well there everyone seemed to love me.  No one judged me, they were all my friends.  The more distant I got from my problems the bigger and bigger they got.  The bigger they got the more I would pull away.  Again – this snow ball thing I keep going back to.  Why do I keep bringing it up, cause I had more than one snow ball fight going on that’s why.

The people who I thought were my friends were just friends cause I played the game with them, since I have stopped on one cares to check up on me.  I have started to play different games that are not just there to socialize.  Also I have started to play them with people I know in real life and I limit the amount of time I spend online.  It has helped me not spend so much time glued to a computer and have more time to spend with My Hubby.  I think now we can both feel better with the amount of time I spend online. It was something to do while I felt so alone before, now that I am not so “alone” I don’t have such a need for the distraction from reality.

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