Tag Archive: Family


With spring comes new life, new growth and for most of us – spring cleaning!  Its only fitting that the 4th step is also about cleaning out the cob webs.

Step 4:

Made a searching and fearless moral inventory of ourselves.

I am still working on my 4th step and can’t believe that it’s been a year already that I have been working on it.  I should go back and see what I wrote a year ago.  See how much I have changed.  Filling out the adoption/foster care application was like doing a 4th step.  You had to go all the way back to your child hood and give them an insight into why you are the person you are today and if that person is the correct fit to be a parent of a child in need of a home.  I have taken a few months off from even looking at my Blue Print for Progress book.  The 4th step work book for Al-Anon.  But I have been doing so many other things right now that the 4th step has taken a back seat for the moment.  Not forgotten, just set to the side.  Everyday I can do the 10th step to keep my 4th step from getting any bigger.

Today is the 3rd class in our adventure of becoming parents.  I also started a journal so I can put down all my thoughts and fears and feelings through this process so she knows what we went through to get her.  most parents can tell the kids how they were born, I can share with her the story of how she came to be a member of our family.  And it will be in my own words, as it’s going on, not in 10 years when I am trying to go off memory.

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The little sticker I found

Monday I was feeling kinda blue about the adoption thing because of all the rules and the things we have to do on their time frame when a child is placed with us….just stuff going around in my head that I was letting fester there.  And I came back from talking to a co-worker, on the floor in front of my desk – right where I have been walking all day long was a flower sticker that’s all glittery and girly.  I picked it up, closed my eyes and said thank you to my higher power.  I needed that right then and there.  Sometimes when I forget to get all that crap out of my head it can really make my thinking go to crap.  My Higher Power reminded me that my little girl is out there somewhere just waiting for Hubby and I to be available for her to come home.  I can’t wait to give that little girl a forever home.  If you would like to get updates on our journey please head over to We Wished For You and follow it.  I am trying to keep up with all 4 web blogs.  I don’t post on all of them everyday, but I don’t want to post just to post.

I need to sit down and work on my 4th step again, I also need to try to make it to a meeting again.  Its been about 3 weeks since my last one.  If I miss this week that will be a whole month.  But one late night a week is already almost too much.  It really takes a toll on me not getting to bed at my normal time.  Sleep schedules are very important to someone who has chronic migraines.  I know that having a child means that my sleep will be interrupted on more than one night a week, but that is something that I will work on when it happens.  For now I am just trying not to blow through that much PTO for a self-caused migraine.

How many of you have done your 4th step or are working on it?  Please feel free to sound off in the comments Box.  If you are not sure where to start with your 4th step and you are working the Al-anon program – or even if you would  just like to do a 4th step, the Blue Print for Progress book is a very good place to start.  I got mine off Amazon.

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30…part 1

I am not 30 years old.  Last Wednesday night I was  afraid to go to sleep.  If I went to sleep then when I woke up I would be 30.  Like by staying away I could avoid it.  It’s just a number I know, but for some reason 30 was a scary one.  I was watching TV and trying to keep it together.  I had taken Thursday and Friday off work, so my lack of sleep was not hurting anything.  I was trying not to keep my husband (who still had to go to work in the morning) awake with my panic attack.  I remember how I felt as 9pm and then 10pm rolled around.  The panic was almost too much for me.

I got pretty interested in what was on the TV at that moment (can’t tell you what it was now) And I looked over at the time to see it was 1:30am.  OMG, I was 30!  Nothing felt different, the world had not come to an end, no one was calling me telling me what a failure I was.  I was 30 and everything was just fine.  How could I have been so scared and nothing happened?  I had some how let my thoughts do me in.

As of today I have been smoke free for 70 days and saved $230.  It feels amazing to have made it this far and not feel like I can’t go another day and I know that’s what I can do.  Today I am smoke free, I can only live one day at a time…so I wanted to write down a list…or two…or three  Here are my 30 things…

30 Things that I am thankful for – in no particular order

  1. To be alive
  2. my parents
  3. my husband
  4. my sister
  5. My Sweet furry children
  6. Devereux (Foster care agency)
  7. my job
  8. a roof over my head
  9. my health (as bad as I feel today, it could always be worse)
  10. my friends
  11. al-anon
  12. AA
  13. being able to pay bills and some what on time most months 🙂
  14. My Hubbies substance abuse counselor and his wife who have become very close friends.
  15. being nicotine free
  16. loving my job
  17. a bed to make
  18. food in my house to eat
  19. clothes on my back
  20. people willing to donate items to others in need
  21. a husband who understands my migraines
  22. an understanding Boss
  23. supportive family
  24. being able to express my creative side
  25. strangers who smile back
  26. strangers who smile first
  27. warm spring days
  28. waking up to a Boxer who wants to snuggle
  29. falling asleep in my husbands arms
  30. hearing someone say they think I will be a good mom

 

Daydreaming…

I had a daydream or vision – what ever you want you want to call it – it was almost scary real.  After I kinda snapped back to the real world it felt almost more like a memory vs a dream.  I was watching Julie and Julia waiting for my husband to get home from his meeting last night when I kinda zoned out.  I was still watching the movie in my dream, but we had a daughter who was playing on the floor – she came over to me and crawled up in my lap.  She said to me in the softest little voice, “Mommy, I am adopted right?” Taken back a little bit I held her tight and said “Mommy and Daddy adopted you because we love you so much!”  Then she looked me right in the eye and asked, “Why didn’t my birth parents love me?”

Oh Crap!  Now what do I say – “They were sick honey, they did the best they could with what they had but they just couldn’t take care of you as well as they needed to.”  She still looked a bit sad so I went one a bit more, “Daddy and I got a call that a sweet little girl needed to be loved and cared for and we had a lot of give.  So they brought you here to live with us so we could be your parents.”  She looked a little bit better.  Then she said a few things that shocked me, “If they pray, God will remove their short comings for next time”

“Baby Girl, do you listen to Mommy and Daddy when we Read the steps?”  She shook her head yes then asked me when she could go with us to our meetings.  I told her I would look into it and it was time to brush her teeth and start getting ready for bed.  “I can’t go to bed till Daddy gets home!”  “Ok, Ok – Let’s start getting ready so when he gets home you are good to go.”

With that I kinda came to and my Hubby was just getting home – That was the most realistic dream I have ever had involving our one day adopted daughter.  And pretty much the first dream I have had about AA or Al-anon.

Mom update…

 

Mom was able to come home on Saturday, I saw her on Sunday.  She looked much better that she did at the hospital.  She has been txting me a lot more over the last few days so I think she is getting back to her normal self.  She is supposed to see the Dr today so we shall see what they say.  I spent most of my child hood waiting to hear if my mom was going to be ok.    I will post any updates that I get and I would like to thank everyone out there who said a prayer for my mother.  She is a fighter and a survivor.

Beginning stage of Colon Cancer

beginning stage of Cervical Cancer

ulcerative colitis

addisons disease

 

In going through the blue print for progress book, I have learned something about myself that I never saw. Like how the kids in school treated me. I used to lie to my parents to stay home saying I was sick. And I was sick, sick and tired of getting picked on. I had a perm, braces and glasses – you tell me how the kids treated me. I hated school, wanted to grow up and get out of there. I used to tell lies about things that would make the kids like me better – or hate me so they would leave me alone. I was bullied, but back then it was just kids being kids. I was different and that’s all they needed. My parents had rules and yes I thought they were bad then and over protective, but looking back – I am glad they did it. The only thing I can say about my childhood is – it was very lonely at times. I spent a lot of time alone, I didn’t mind it sometimes, but I really missed my mom and dad. When I was at home it was all about my sister and my mom. My mom was very, very ill all of my life, and my sister almost died being born. She was born blue and not breathing. So he was treated a bit different than I was.

I spent a lot of time with my great grandparents due to my mother being so sick and my dad working all the time. I know they taught me a lot of things and might be why I think like an old soul sometimes. They were in their 70’s and here I was just a baby spending time with them.  I don’t want to show my parents in a bad light. I know they loved me, I know they were doing the best they could. But I still feel that the way I grew up was very one-sided, and it was never my side. I started to act out just to get my parents to look at me. If I got bad grades they would have to sit with me and do my homework. If I talked back or didn’t do things, they would have to talk to me to tell me what I did wrong. as messed up as that sounds, its how i felt I could get attention. My dad’s parents were also a big part of my life. I always felt that my grandmother never cared for me. She spent a lot more time with my sister. She did take me and my bff to the movies, but not much else was just her and I.

Now my grandfather on the other hand was my buddy. Dad and I didn’t get really close till pop died. I mean I was always my dad’s pal around buddy, but pop and I were always together. He taught me to paint and how to fish, told me all kids of stories that I remember to this day. He loved to play with things, and I think that is where I get my techy side from. He was on the development team for the first GPS in the military. When pop died, I hated the word – they took the only person I felt who loved me no matter what i did. My great-grandmother loved me no matter what too – but that was a different bond. The day they told us he had passed away, my dad cried on my shoulder – at that moment I had become my father’s little girl. I am almost 30 and still call him daddy! As an adult I feel much closer to my parents that for sure. I no longer have to go round with them. I still feel that they lean more to taking care of my sister than me, but I have to learn to let go of the selfishness.y

We all went to the movie theater for mother’s day, I think my mom had a good day.  Dad got us all tickets for Dark Shadows, Very good flick.  I hope all the mothers out there had a wonderful day!

I love my parents so very much.

If no one has told you they love you today, I love you and God does too.

When did a child’s birthday party go from being all about them to all about how much the parents can drink till someone falls and sends shards of glass all over the are where the children are playing?  Since when was a child tossing water balloons become an excuse for the adults to spray them with the garden hose till they were crying or having a difficult time breathing?  I have been bothered by the so-called “birthday parties” that my friends have had for their children.  I remember them being very different when I was a kid.

No one drank, no one punished us for having fun. The parents who stayed at the party would play games with us or just cook and set up the games for us.  We played outside, we tossed water balloons – where the goal was not to break them open.  It was 100% all about us kids, not a drinking party for the adults.  I never remember my parents inviting THEIR friends over to our parties – if they had kids or not.

My husband and I were talking about how we are going to do it for Baby Girl (that’s how we refer to the daughter we have yet to adopt, more on that later) I have no idea what happened differently with some of my adult friends and how they think that the parties they have are the way a CHILD”S party should be set up.  After talking with my husband about how their parties were growing up, I now see the effects that drinking has on these social events.  Hubby said that his parents and their friends would treat them the same way.  The kids could not have anywhere near the same amount of fun as the adults – they would put a stop to it in a heart beat if that was the case.  They were always looking for ways to out do the kids, or just plain ruin their fun.  If they could upset the kids to the point of making them cry or want to go to their rooms, they felt they had done something good for themselves.

I wanted to cry, tell my husband that a child should never EVER have to go through life like that, but I can not change how his parent were to him as a child.  All I can do is be there for him and let him tell all the haunting stories of how his childhood was.  It was way left field from mine – or was it.  Alcohol was not a part of my child hood, but that doesn’t mean I wasn’t bullied…to be continued.

 

If no one has told you they love you today, I love you and God does too.

 

 

Reflections…

I read something in one of the daily readings that was about how a lady saw the refection of her hanging lamp in her glass coffee table.  She said the longer she looked at it the more the Ceiling looked like the floor and the hanging lamp looked like a floor lamp.  It hit her that maybe she was blinded by all the little nasty things her husband had done and was forgetting the good things.  I know how she feels, I would tell people only the good things my hubby would do for me.  They would tell me how sweet he sounds and how wonderful he must be.  And when he was doing those nice things he was wonderful!

The longer I sat there and thought of nothing but the darkness the more and more it seem that was all there was.  I no longer found the sweet things he did endearing, they were annoying or bothersome.  The nasty thing he did seems that much worse due to the fact that I am already only seeing the dark side of things.  I pulled back more and more, and he pushed towards being mean more and more.  I am sure that he had some misguided reflections as well.  For he no longer appreciated what I did around the house, I would make dinner and it was never what he wanted or not cooked the way he wanted it to be.  He missed the fact that I was willing to come home after a 9 hour day and cook and clean.  He never asked me to do his laundry or even said he was running low, he just assumed I would do it for him.  If I was a house wife, no problem, but I work just as long as he does everyday.  We needed to find a way to do things as a team, we had lost that partnership and were just sparing off each other.

Tomorrow is a new month, and the second month of the year so you know what that means…step 2!  I am very excited to start the next step.  It’s the next part of my cha-cha-cha dance.  1-2-3 cha-cha-cha, 1-2-3 admit believe decide.  So with the closing of the month, I pause to look inside myself.  Have I truly admitted that I was powerless over alcohol and that my life had become unmanageable.  I know 100% that my life had become unmanageable and yes, I am powerless over alcohol.  I am not just saying it to make others happy or give false hope that I was getting it.  I truly believe that I am powerless over many things, especially alcohol.

If no one has told you they love you today, I love you and God does too!

Our lives – now sober.

“I don’t like the way alcohol made me feel, I like the way it didn’t make me feel”  The words of my husband.  He told me he didn’t like the taste and didn’t like how it made him feel, but he liked how it made him not feel things.  “I said what I wanted to say and that was it.”  He didn’t have to care how the other person felt, even if it was me.  Some of the people in our lives never even knew there was a problem.  We got good at playing the game.  We knew how to play off how happy we were and how much we loved each other.  The loving each other wasn’t an act, but the way we showed each other our love was not healthy.  To most we were happy and laid back, we would get home and it was WWIII.  When we first started to date I used to mouth right back at him, but after getting shot down so much I started not to care for the fight anymore.  It was much better to pick my battles and just keep my mouth shut.  I was making me happier, or so I thought.  But truthfully I was angry, alone and frustrated.  I was lost and had forgot my map. “Use GPS Court.” Well it seems my GPS had one too many beers most nights.

Now – we are each others guiding lights.  He found recovery and then helped me find mine.  We have never been this happy and it’s for real.  We sit in bed and look at the internet together.  That used to be a big fight, I spent too much time online.  Well, it was my only out let and he left me alone so much, I found something to fill me time.  He helps me with my thoughts for the blog when my brain runs away at 100 miles per hour.  Something that happens a lot with my ADD.  Good thing about writing the blog, it helps me focus and practice those skills.

“The light at the end of the tunnel is no longer a freight train.”  He said to me tonight and I have to agree.  For once it seems that life is as it should be.  It is still hard but it’s not such an uphill battle.  We spend time working on the house, we play with the dogs and we watch movies.  Fridays are our date nights, we never used to have a date night.  We make little home-made pizzas and then watch a DVD.  Might not sound like much to you, but after almost not having him in my life anymore, these are the best nights.  There is hope, never give up!  I have faith in my heart, its full of love for the 2 men in my life.  My husband and my Higher power.  God Bless!!

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