Tag Archive: Friday

Why so negative?

Why must I always jump to something negative?  This morning I saw a Van parked halfway in a business driveway and a tire up on the sidewalk.  It looked to me like someone had started their day with a cocktail, or maybe had yet to make it home from their night of “fun.”  I instantly when to this negative thought process of, why don’t people get a DD?  Why must they put not only their own life in harm’s way but others on the road?

As I was spiraling down into my own private pissed off little world – I passed where the van was and was able to see what was really going on.  Sitting with his back against the fence was a homeless man, you could tell he was at his darkest hour.  I could read the pain and suffering on his face.  Kneeling down in front of him was a man dressed all in black with a bright white collar.  A man of faith had stopped his van to offer some comfort to a soul in need.  He had the other guys hands held tight in his grasp and his head bent in prayer.

This made me change my attitude right quickly.  I felt like I had been slapped by some spiritual hand.  Get out of your funk girl, not everything is bad.  Just cause some bad things have happened doesn’t mean that everything that happens is somehow bad.  Even if I don’t get my way, even if I don’t get the answer that I want, and even if I am missing out something I want to do – it is not the right time for those things and the powers that be (who know better than me) are guiding me to where I need to be.

I took Monday and Tuesday off work due to feeling very under the weather.  Last week we rolled out some new software at work and it didn’t go as to plan.  I work Tech support phones so you know who got the brunt of the pissed off end users who were dealing with pissed off people they were trying to take care of.  I try very hard not to take what they say to heart, but for some reason on Monday and Tuesday of last week it was a little on the impossible side.  I had a really hard time on Monday.

I forgot to HALT (hungry, angry, lonely, tired) I was all of those things and I was also in pain and that always adds to those.  I am in pain about 80% of the time so you think I would be able to control myself while in pain.  But when you add all of those other things, being overwhelmed and in a lot of pain (migraine) it will make for a very unstable Courtney.  I was angry, mad, explosive.  I did a pretty good job of not taking it out on the end users, cause well it was not their fault.  (mostly) However, I was not as calm after I hung up from someone who was just not grasping what it was she should have been doing.  I am not a trainer, I do not know all the work flows and I can only go off of the information I was given.  This happened to be the same study guide that she was reading from.  I calmly asked her to talk to her supervisor after I just could not get her to understand what she should have been doing next and she got very upset with me and started to yell at me.  I again asked her to get her supervisor.  After the call was over I put my phone on the hook very calmly.  I then picked it up and slammed down the handset about 4 times.  I felt much better after that, till I realized that the director of my department had seen it.  He had me stand up and slow dance with him for a few seconds and it made me laugh.  That was just what I needed.  Him and I have always been able to talk about things, he knows all of what I went through this past year and I know a lot of what he has been through with his own struggles.

It seemed that I was starting down this path of being pissy.  Even my boss asked me if I was OK cause I looked stressed.  HA!  Stressed – who me?  How could I be stressed with 10 voice mails at any given point during the day, screaming end users and a lot of IM‘s and emails to deal with – who could be stressed with all of that?  So they could tell just by looking at me, hmmm….something has to change.  I decided that I could only fix one thing at a time.  Like in recovery, one day at a time – one step at a time.  I would just take one call at a time – If there was voice mails I would deal with them one at a time.  If I got a lot of them, I started to hand them out to the guys.  It worked and I was able to stay calm.

My husband told me about the three D’s.



Drop it

You need to do it if you can.  Delegate if you can’t.  Drop it if it is out of your hands.

It helps me not stress about things that are no longer in my hands.  If I turned it over to someone else then I need to let them deal with it.  Now with my job I do have to check back on things to make sure that they are taken care of, due to the nature of the business that I am in.  But I need to not stress about it anymore.  I turned things over to the guys and let them deal with them.  I handled what I could and took it just one at a time.  My Wed, Thursday and Friday went much better than the first part of the week.  I had some back pain and just pushed it off as stress.  As the weekend showed up I felt like crap and spent a lot of my time just being lazy.  Sunday morning I woke up very early to the feeling that I was going to be sick and that feeling was very right.  I ran to the other end of the house to the front bathroom and thought I was going to die.  After what felt like an  hour, I returned to bed to find everyone still soundly sleeping.  (hubby and the three furry kids)

So I spent most of Sunday being very careful of my movements, my back hurt but again I pushed it off as something else.  I planned on going to bed early but didn’t quite get there.  It was a very storm night so it took me a while to get to sleep.  When 5am Monday morning hit and the alarm went off, I knew that there was no way I was going to make it in.  I had taken the medication I have for the sick feeling that comes with migraines Sunday night.  It’s a narcotic and makes you very loopy and sleepy.  So when I woke up I still felt it in my system.  I knew work was going to be slammed with calls again but I had to take care of myself.  I have health issues and have not always taken care of myself.  That was part of being co-dependent.  The first sign of co-dependance is the lack of taking care of one’s self.  That was me for sure.

So I called in, (I also had to call Verizon tech support to fix txting on our phones, stopped working on Friday and needed a land line to call from)  spent the day on the sofa.  I did go see my mom for a bit and used her phone to make a few calls.  (wow I turned this into a “make a long story LONGER” thing) So anyways by the time I woke up on Tuesday the pain in my back had gone to my kidney.  I had stopped taking care of myself again.  I had not been drinking as much water as I should have been and living in the sand all my life you would think I would know better.  I have had many kidney infections due to this very reason.

So I slammed the cranberry juice and water and made it back to work today.  So now that I have made this post longer than I had set out to do, I will end with this.

Take care of yourself first.

Stop being negative.

Remember to HALT.

Drink lots of water!

And as always:

If no one has told you they love you today, I love you and God does too!


What a summer so far…


It has been quite a summer.  We are still in our rainy season and the storms have hit hard in some parts of town.  They have been playing havoc with my migraines and I have had a lot more down time that I would like.  There have been some people in our life lately who have been more negative than positive and i am starting to thin out my facebook friends list and my phone contact list.

I have also been without internet at my house for about a week now so most of my surfing has been from my phone or while at work.  If my post have been a bit scarce and short that has been why.  Also have been working on my fourth step a lot and taking some classes.

Had to take my boxer to the vet on friday due to an allergic reaction to either the grass in the yard or a bug bite.  My hubby cut down the grass this morning so I hope that helps up my puffer dog.  We went through this last summer too.  I have also had to work some weekends, like i will have to work this Saturday to prep for a software change over.

My husband has been spending a lot of time working on a sandrail we traded his quad for.  Its been an uphill battle for him and has been a pandora’s box of fun.  I go through moments when i get depressed over the amount of time he spends with it vs with me.  But i have to remember that he needs his own time as well.  I just wish I could a little of the time for us time.

Before the sandrail it was his truck, he used to go out there and drink so maybe i feel like he is back to his old time issues without the drink.  But he is getting stuff down vs just drinking like he was before.  We used to spend every Friday night as date night, we have not done that in a very long time.  I am not asking for much, just one evening with no car stuff, just him and I, a movie and dinner.  Its not like i am even asking for a whole day.

We used to make breakfast on sundays, have not done that in a few weeks either.  I guess i just honestly miss my husband and am unsure how to express it to him without sounding needy.  I drop hints, but then i usually get upset and i ruin the time he does want to spend with me cause I am all weepy.

We got in a bit of a fight when i took Dozer to the vet cause it was very stormy that night and i was 45 mins from the house and he was worried about us being out in the storms.  I wish he would have voiced concern more than anger, but he is still a work in progress.  Its not about perfection its about progress.  And i have to remember that.  I should have waited for him to get home but i got there before 6pm so i didn’t get an emergency charge.

I still feel a bit of loss in my heart over not having a child yet at this point in our life, but our money situation still is not good and we seem to still be in a bit of a hole.  I know that fostering will help us cause they give us money for the care of the child, but we still have work to do on the house and our marriage.  We are in a much better place in our marriage than we ever have been, but it is still a work in progress too.

My husband is still moody and selfish sometimes and i have to make sure i don’t take anything out on him that is out of his control.  Going to meetings and talking with others has helped.

There are still toxic people in my life i have to deal with daily and its part of my own struggle not to let their toxic actions poison my life.

If no one has told you they love you today, I love you and God does to.


OK – since it’s Friday – I want ya all to sound off with what you are grateful for.  I am grateful for the gift of another day, I am grateful for the tools I have to better deal with life’s ups and downs, I am grateful for the ability to start my day over any time I need to.  I am grateful for the friends and family who have stood by my side day in and day out.  I am grateful for a loving husband who came back to me while on the brink of hell.  Any moment I get with him I am truly thankful for.  I am grateful for my three furry kids, they bring joy to my life!


If no one has told you they love you today, I love you and God does too!




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