Tag Archive: God


With March almost over I wanted to do a little check in.  This has been a big month for us.  I turned 30 years old, celebrated 9 years at my current job and we started foster/adoptive parent classes.  I have not been to a meeting in two weeks, I was feeling a little burnt out.  Plus with class being on Wed nights and not getting home till after 9pm the next day I feel dead.  Makes it hard to want to go anywhere Thursday night as well.  I do miss my Al-anon family, but right now I have to take care of myself.

I was taught that in Al-Anon, we have to take care of ourselves.  And right now that means getting rest and not over doing it.  The first class was a shocker and until I get used to staying up late on Wed nights it might be a little bit till I can get to a meeting.  I still do my reading and will still try to keep in touch with everyone.

This being the third month we talked about the third step, I am having to do that a lot and turn stuff over.  Its hard, but I know in my heart that my Higher Power is there right beside me through all of this.  I pray for the strength to stay on track and make it though this process of becoming a parent.  I know my daughter is out there somewhere, just waiting for us like we are waiting for her.

I use the serenity prayer so much om my way to work – it’s a good thing I don’t have my windows down, the cars next to me might hear me yell it over and over to myself till I can say it calmly from the heart.  That’s when I know my higher power has heard me and I feel the calming nature of his presence with me.

What are somethings that you have turned over to the care of God, as you understood him?  What are somethings that you know you need to let go of but are having an issue doing so?

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New Month, next step…

The 3rd step is also the 3rd step in my little cha-cha dance.

Made a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of God as we understood Him.

We made a decision…  this says to me that it is truly up to me to make this choice.  I can choose to be sick and crazy, or I can choose to get better and ask for help from my higher power.  If I ask for help then I have to be willing to get out of the damn way so that He can do what He needs to do to help me. And it’s the care of God not the full control, not the ultimate fix all.  We still have to play a part in our lives, we just have to be willing to ask the right questions and listen to the answers.  It may not be what we want and it may not even be something that we understand at the very moment.  But it is there, if we ask for it.

If I ask for the ability to understand my husband, He is going to give me a situation where I have to be understanding.  If I want to forgive my husband, He will give me a situation where I will need to forgive.  If I ask to be more patient, He will give me a situation where I have to show patience.  He is not going to magically give me what I ask for, He is going to give me the tools to show myself that I have the ability to do it.  Al-Anon has shown me that when I asked for strength, He showed me that I am strong.

So as we start our step 3, remember that it is in this step that we learn that God is willing to show us what we already have inside us, if we are willing to trust Him and ask for His help.  It’s like asking for someone to take the blindfold off so you can look at your self for the first time.  You get to see all the wonderful things inside you that has been there the whole time, it was just hidden behind our own blockades.  We pulled off the blinders, we pulled back the shades…seeing the true self that is there by asking God for His help, we should be ready for the next step – Our personal inventory, but more on that next month.

If no one has told you they love you today, I love you and God does too.

 

 

So I got home last night and I open the back door into our laundry room and everything that was on the counter by the back door is on the floor.  Speakers and cans of paint, a blanket, a few empty boxes and a stack of junk mail.  There stands Portia in the middle of the mess.  My first thought was OMG we got broke into!  Then I hear the smoke alarm chirp letting me know the battery was dead.  Portia losses her mind and cries and jumps up and down.  She must have gone nuts when it started to chirp.  She also chewed up a box and chewed on the junk mail.  She must have been trying to get out the window.

I almost took a picture of the mess, but thought it best just to clean it all up and get the batteries changed in the alarm before she had a heart attack.  She used to have separation anxiety really bad but I thought she was over it.  She was abused as a very little puppy before we got her.  We got her at 8 weeks old so that tells you what kind of monsters had her before us.

Please keep my husband in your prayers, things on our life might be changing here really soon.  And this is on top of everything else going on.  The adoption classes start on the 20th, we have to go get our finger print cards and still get the house ready for a munchkin.  I was told this weekend that we don’t have to buy booster seats cause a good friend of ours doesn’t need the two for her daughter anymore.  and they are pink, YAY!  Hehehehehe…yes the hubby will have a pink booster seat in the back seat of his monster truck, and you know what…he loves the idea.  He has wanted a daughter for as long as I have known him.  We always talked about having a daughter named Hailey.  I guess it’s up to God now to know what our daughter’s name will be.

If you want to keep up with our adoption/foster care journey, please take a short jaunt over to We Wished for You    That is where I will be doing most of the updates for that cheaper of our life.  Trying to keep each subject separate.

I never thought to try to relate to the traditions on a personal level.  I just thought they were for my Al-Anon group, not my family group.  Last night that all changed when we talked about Tradition 2.

Tradition 2:

For our group purpose there is but one ultimate authority—a loving God as He may express Himself  in our group conscience. Our leaders are but trusted servants; they do not govern.

My husband was the all and mighty word in our house hold for a long time.  Anything he said went, even if I knew it was 100% wrong or the messed up thing to do.  I was to follow my husband in every endeavor.  Well with the help of Al-Anon I learned that I have a higher power, and it is not my husband.  I do love him and will support him.  But I will not support him in a way that will cause myself harm.  I will not support him in and endeavor that will cause himself harm.  I will support him with love and encouragement to be the wonderful loving man I know he is.

Now that we are both recovery people we can talk in a shared language.  Our slogans and saying in AA and Al-Anon are very similar so we can talk on a deeper level now than ever before.  We are not perfect, we are a work in progress.  I am not sure who my husband looked to as a Higher Power – I know his father was for most of his life.  My father-in-laws attitude was “I don’t put the fear of God in my children, because God doesn’t live here.  I live here and they will fear me!”  And fear him they did.  I am sorry, I may not be a mother yet – but I do not feel that Fear is the way I want to raise my children.  I want to instill in my child a love and respect for not only me and her father, but a love and respect for herself and her God.

We were not very church going people growing up, and the only church thing my husband and I have done together is a Marriage 911 class we took at a Local church.  I would go to church functions with all my friends growing up, my parents let me explore my religious curiosity.  They left if up to me to go to church if I wanted to.  I am all for instilling your beliefs on your children, but also give them some freedom to choose their own path.  They might respect you more for that than putting the fear of wanting something for yourself.  It took a long time to get my husband to talk openly about what he wanted or how he felt.  Hid father did a good job of trying to kill his spirit.

And its so sad because my husband has such a playful and fun way about himself when he feels safe to open up.  We laugh and play and just have the best time with each other.  That’s why I can’t wait to have a child that we can both be who we really are around.  We are young, fun and playful people who want to love and cherish our child.  Teach them its ok to reach for a goal and not quite make it.  At least you reached for it.  I want her to have parents who are just but trusted servants of God, who do not Govern.

I want her to be able to come to us with anything without fear, it unlike how my husband was raised and I feel that because he knows how the other side of that coin feels he will be able to flip it over and show her understanding and compassion he never got.  I was raised in an open household like that, but I still got in-trouble for not sticking to the plan.  I had to follow most of my parents goals for me.  But you know I think deep down I needed that tough love to get me going in life.  They were not cold like my in-laws, but they were not push overs either.  I need to find that firm but loving attitude for my own child.  I want to lead her, not rule over her.

Please feel free to share your thoughts on how you can bring Tradition 2 into your family group.

If no one has told you they love you today, I do and God does too!!

 

Inspired Thoughts…5

“Love yourself first and everything else falls into line.  You Really have to love yourself to get anything done in this world.” – Lucille Ball

I just love her and yes she was a bit cooky – but I like that about her too.  She loved herself enough not to hide away that side.  🙂  I let my cooky side out every now and then – does it make people laugh yes, but as long as I am laughing too that means no one is laughing at me.  If ya can’t laugh at yourself then life is no longer fun.  Life is hard, but ya gotta laugh and love yourself.  If you don’t love who you are, how the heck do ya expect someone else to?

When I no longer loved who I was, and I didn’t think God loved me anymore and I thought my husband had stopped loving me – my world was dark and scary.  But when I took a step back, looked deep inside of me and saw that I loved myself and I was a child of God who was loved by Him.  I also saw that I had done nothing to cause my husband to stop loving me, if he had then that was him and not me.  But I knew that he loved me, he was just too sick to be able to express it in a constructive way.  We have some so far since those days.

I now love who I am, I am not perfect, I am not always on top of my game – but I am me and that’s just fine by me.  For those who are still suffering from rejected love, it doesn’t matter if you are the addict or the other side of the coin – you have to love yourself first before you can let someone else love you.

If no one has told you they love you today (tell yourself that you love you!) I love you and God does too!

 

February 2013…

Smoke

Smoke (Photo credit: AMagill)

Hello February – Ready for step 2?  well good because here it is:

Step 2 –

Came to believe that a Power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity.

Last year I explored the meaning of the word Restore…why?  Well because it stuck out to me, that’s why.  This year the word that stand out to me is Could.  It could restore us to sanity.  It’s not a false promise, is not a answer to fix all that is wrong with me.  I have to do be present in this journey of getting back to sanity.  My Higher Power can help me get there, if I let it.  I have to get out of the darn way and let him take some of this weight off my shoulders.  If I don’t let go, if I hold on with everything I have to things – how can I take a hold of the gifts of today?  How can I reach towards the future with hands full of yesterdays crap?

Could [kood; unstressed kuhd]
verb

1.a simple past tense of can1 .
auxiliary verb

2. (used to express possibility): I wonder who that could be at the door. That couldn’t be true.
3. (used to express conditional possibility or ability): You could do it if you tried.
4. (used in making polite requests): Could you open the door for me, please?
5. (used in asking for permission): Could I borrow your pen?
6. (used in offering suggestions or advice): You could write and ask for more information. You could at least have called me.
I find that even if I have read all the pages in the ODAT (One Day At A Time, Al-anon daily reader) a story will stick out to me in a different way.  I see what I need to see when I need to see it.  I can get out of a story what I need to hear at that moment in time.  It will be different for me each time, and that’s the best part about it.  That means I can read that book 100 times and still get something different each time.
If I can learn the art of letting go, this happy feeling I have today might just stay with me for a while. Last Thursday was my 30th day of being a non smoker.  I consider myself to be a non smoker now because I don’t want to go back to it.  If by calling myself a non smoker, I can resist giving myself permission to do it again.  So yes, 30 days as a non smoker and today is  30 days till my 30th birthday.  Yeah – what ya got on all my three’s!  I hope you all have a good day.
If no one has told you they love you today, I love you and God does too.

“Life is short, and it’s up to you to make it sweet.” – Sadie Delany (American educator and civil rights pioneer)

Life is what you make it.  At our last meeting we were all handed a little red fuzzy ball.  There was a story we read that night about a lady who at her one year anniversary handed out red balls and a thank you note.  The red ball represented her serenity.   She went on in the note talking about how if she let others effect how happy or sad she was she was tossing her little red ball to them.  She was letter other take control of her serenity.

I used to lob that darn ball at people.  I would almost make them take it from me so I could balm them for my unhappiness.  Heck – I used to even say God must have just been mad at me or punishing me.  I was in a bad way.  It was just fitting that we read a story on a lady giving back the night of her one year while I was celebrating getting my one year coin that same night.  Granted it was a few weeks after my one year, but even still – things happen for a reason.

All of us in the meeting were playing with our little red fuzzy ball of serenity while we were reading the story – some were just holding it – others were petting it like it was alive.  It was neat to see how each person treated it a little different.  Here is a table full of adults and we were like little kids being handed a new toy.  We loved it and played with them – tossed them at each other (hehehehe) But we all had a very nice meeting and got a little keep sake to remind us that our serenity is our responsibility and our’s alone.

So remember don’t give anyone your little red ball!

If no one has told you they love you today, I love you and God does too!!

a smokeless me…

So – 8 and a half days into becoming a non-smoker.  It has been a little harder this time than the others.  But this time I know its for good.  It has to be, I can’t keep doing this to my body and expect it to continue to forgive me.  With the upcoming life change of becoming parents, the bank account that reminded me all the time that smoking was expensive and waking up feeling like crap every morning – it was becoming really apparent that we needed to change this.  Hubby did break down and buy a pack last week so he is only at about 2 days at this point – but he didn’t drink or snap at me too bad during his first few days or even now.  His current job played a big role in him breaking down I fear.

He is still unhappy and still looking, but there is not a lot out there that is worth a damn or closer to home.  A 75 mile round trip everyday is killing us in fuel.  I hope he finds something that he likes and a better environment.  He likes what he does – just not the people or environment that he has to work in.

My work is going better this year – taking 11 days off really helped me stay calmer and recharge.  I get burnt out sometimes – its hard to unwind once in a while.  I have been cooking dinner almost every night – trying to work on a menu so that when Baby Girl gets here we have a bit of a set dinner routine.  I don’t cook with beef or pork, so its just chicken, turkey and fish.  I also cook lots of veggies (hubby is not a veggie person or a fish fan) and always try to have fresh or canned fruit in the house.  I know it going to be hard to get them used to our meal plans or trying to figure out that they like, if they have allergies or what they just will refuse to eat.  I had a picky eater for a sister growing up and a somewhat picky eater for a husband.  so I am a bit used to cooking 2 dinners – what he wants and usually fish and a Veggie for me.  I really don’t want to cook 3 different dinners every night.  if she has special diet requirements then I might have to, and that’s OK.  I want to introduce her to a healthy way to cook and that fruits and veggies are yummy.

So – I think this week I am going to try to make it to my meeting.  I hope hubby gets home on time so we can go, I really don’t want to go there alone.  OK, let me rephrase that – I don’t get to spend much time with him as it is, going to a meeting without him is yet more time that we are not with each other – after being separated summer of 2011, I am not a fan of it.  I know I can do things on my own now where as before when I was thick in my sticking thinking I thought that I just could no longer live if he was not in my life.  I know that I CAN, I just don’t WANT to.  And that’s how I have changed and grown with the help of Al-anon.

Not that the adoption paperwork is done – I might try to get back at my step four.  The application was like a step four, they asked all kinds of searching questions.  I had to be fearless and answer them truthfully.

If no one has told you they love you today, I love you and God does too!!

 

2013 so far…

 

Yesterday I sent off the application for our adoption/foster care adventure.  Devereux Arizona is the center that we are going through, they have been so wonderful.  They guide you through each step and make sure you understand everything.

 

I think I might start yet another blog.  This one is all about recovery, so adoption stuff really has no place here.  I will post updates now and then because it is a part of our recovery.  I do have two other blogs.  I have Dozer’s blog and then my Rants and Stories blog.  Court’s Royal Corner is not the place for the adoptions stuff….so to start another blog or not to start another blog.  I know 3 blogs are hard enough…4 is crazy!  But I feel like there might be people out there who want to hear about adoption or foster care.  I know I went looking for information when we started to talk about it.  What do you all think – should I start another blog?

 

On the recovery front, I didn’t make it to my meeting last night, we tried to quit smoking and hubby is not doing as well with it.  His Job is stressful and he is worried about the projects he is doing here at the house.  I think the adoption stuff is stressing him out a bit too.  So we decided not to go last night, plus it was cold and windy – I didn’t want to leave my warm spot on the sofa.  I am sad that last month was my one year and they didn’t give me a coin.  In AA they ask who has 24 hours, 30 days, multi months, 1 years and so on…   But in my Al-Anon group they just know who has how long and in what month – it’s listed on our phone list.  Well I didn’t get mine and it hurt.  Why should I have to ask for mine?  But that is not Al-anon thinking.  So next week, I will have to figure out how to mention it in the meeting without showing the hurt that I feel inside.  I feel almost like a child, “I want my coin!” But that little round symbol is the symbol of my recovery.  To others its just a coin, but to me it is so much more.  That coin shows that I was able to stick to something, learn from others, make a life change.

 

One year in recovery for me also means one year for this blog.  That makes me so happy to think about all my readers, all of you who add comments, all the support that I have gotten, and all the support I have been able to offer.  It’s what recovery is all about to me.  The support we offer each other, the compassion for another human being who is suffering at that moment and is in need of our help.  Even if that help is just having someone say – “wow that sucks, I am sorry that happened to you”

 

I have been told I need to stop saying I am sorry for things that I have no control over.  I am not taking responsibility for the thing that happened or even trying to personalize it.  It’s just me saying “wow, that sucks and I am sorry that happened to you”  I guess I am alone in the want to have this said to me.  I wish for once someone would just say that to me.  I don’t say what is going on in my head all the time, I don’t say that I am depressed, in pain, sad, angry, upset…what have ya.  If I did I would never shut up about it.  I am in pain ALL the time, I am sad a lot, I stress about money, I stress over if hubby is happy or not, I stress over my health, over if I can pay for my medications that month or not, if we will every really become parents or not, if hubby will freak out and tell me no – tell Devereux we changed our minds.

 

What he said last night really hurt me, and I had no idea how to even tell him.  So I just dropped it.  Sometimes I have to pick my battles, and it wasn’t worth it last night.  There was no reason to engage in a fight, I just let him vent and get it off his chest.  Does it still hurt even though I try not to personalize it, hell yes.  Am I able to let go of it fully? still not able to let things go 100% yet.  But I am working on it.

 

Anyways – I hope you all have a blessed day, Keep praying that we get into the Jan 23rd class.  I love you and God does too!

 

If I…

  • If I met myself – would I like that person?
  • If someone talked to me the same way I talk to myself – would I be their friend?
  • If I was treated by someone else the same way I treat myself – would I stay?
  • If I can’t love who I am – how can I love another?
  • If I can’t live with myself – how can another?
  • If I can’t look myself in the eye – how can another?

I treated myself so badly for so many years.  Like Jim Carry said in Liar Liar “I’m kicking my ass!”  I did that – very well.  It’s hard to think back to all the nasty things I used to believe about my self.  Like if someone tells you something over and over – even if it’s not true – a part of  you starts to believe it.

We need to start taking better care of ourselves and it needs to start with how we treat ourselves and talk to ourselves. (or about ourselves)  Like talking behind a friends back will kill the friendship.  It’s like talking crap behind your own back.  It’s time we stop being a bully.  To ourselves and to others.  “Let it start with me”

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