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With spring comes new life, new growth and for most of us – spring cleaning!  Its only fitting that the 4th step is also about cleaning out the cob webs.

Step 4:

Made a searching and fearless moral inventory of ourselves.

I am still working on my 4th step and can’t believe that it’s been a year already that I have been working on it.  I should go back and see what I wrote a year ago.  See how much I have changed.  Filling out the adoption/foster care application was like doing a 4th step.  You had to go all the way back to your child hood and give them an insight into why you are the person you are today and if that person is the correct fit to be a parent of a child in need of a home.  I have taken a few months off from even looking at my Blue Print for Progress book.  The 4th step work book for Al-Anon.  But I have been doing so many other things right now that the 4th step has taken a back seat for the moment.  Not forgotten, just set to the side.  Everyday I can do the 10th step to keep my 4th step from getting any bigger.

Today is the 3rd class in our adventure of becoming parents.  I also started a journal so I can put down all my thoughts and fears and feelings through this process so she knows what we went through to get her.  most parents can tell the kids how they were born, I can share with her the story of how she came to be a member of our family.  And it will be in my own words, as it’s going on, not in 10 years when I am trying to go off memory.

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The little sticker I found

Monday I was feeling kinda blue about the adoption thing because of all the rules and the things we have to do on their time frame when a child is placed with us….just stuff going around in my head that I was letting fester there.  And I came back from talking to a co-worker, on the floor in front of my desk – right where I have been walking all day long was a flower sticker that’s all glittery and girly.  I picked it up, closed my eyes and said thank you to my higher power.  I needed that right then and there.  Sometimes when I forget to get all that crap out of my head it can really make my thinking go to crap.  My Higher Power reminded me that my little girl is out there somewhere just waiting for Hubby and I to be available for her to come home.  I can’t wait to give that little girl a forever home.  If you would like to get updates on our journey please head over to We Wished For You and follow it.  I am trying to keep up with all 4 web blogs.  I don’t post on all of them everyday, but I don’t want to post just to post.

I need to sit down and work on my 4th step again, I also need to try to make it to a meeting again.  Its been about 3 weeks since my last one.  If I miss this week that will be a whole month.  But one late night a week is already almost too much.  It really takes a toll on me not getting to bed at my normal time.  Sleep schedules are very important to someone who has chronic migraines.  I know that having a child means that my sleep will be interrupted on more than one night a week, but that is something that I will work on when it happens.  For now I am just trying not to blow through that much PTO for a self-caused migraine.

How many of you have done your 4th step or are working on it?  Please feel free to sound off in the comments Box.  If you are not sure where to start with your 4th step and you are working the Al-anon program – or even if you would  just like to do a 4th step, the Blue Print for Progress book is a very good place to start.  I got mine off Amazon.

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30…part 3

This has been a few posts of expressing my fears, what I am thankful for and now I will list 30 things that I hope to achieve or just am looking forward to doing.  In no particular order:

  1. become a parent
  2. Finish painting the inside of our house
  3. clean out baby girls room
  4. Finish cleaning my office
  5. pay off some debt
  6. make better choices on how to spend our money
  7. get down to my goal weight
  8. take more classes
  9. paint more
  10. relax more
  11. express my feeling better
  12. learn how to ask for the things I want
  13. learn to tell the difference between what I want and what I need
  14. learn to fully turn things over and not try to hang on
  15. learn to let things go, if it bothers me, let them know – or drop it all together.  Holding on to things forever only keeps hurting me
  16. take better care of myself – eat better, sleep at normal time, go to the doctor, not ignore symptoms, treat my migraines when they start.
  17. learn new things to better help me at my job
  18. Finish more art projects
  19. Finish tasks
  20. not be so hard on myself when something doesn’t go as I planned
  21. one day replace the current house we have with a new one
  22. one day help my husband with a business of our own
  23. help my adoptive daughter understand how loved she is
  24. family trip to Disneyland
  25. get a few left over dental issues taken care of
  26. one day find a treatment for my migraines that works
  27. put aside more time to spend with my husband doing fun things
  28. learn how to save money
  29. take a family trip somewhere
  30. get family photo taken

30…part 1

I am not 30 years old.  Last Wednesday night I was  afraid to go to sleep.  If I went to sleep then when I woke up I would be 30.  Like by staying away I could avoid it.  It’s just a number I know, but for some reason 30 was a scary one.  I was watching TV and trying to keep it together.  I had taken Thursday and Friday off work, so my lack of sleep was not hurting anything.  I was trying not to keep my husband (who still had to go to work in the morning) awake with my panic attack.  I remember how I felt as 9pm and then 10pm rolled around.  The panic was almost too much for me.

I got pretty interested in what was on the TV at that moment (can’t tell you what it was now) And I looked over at the time to see it was 1:30am.  OMG, I was 30!  Nothing felt different, the world had not come to an end, no one was calling me telling me what a failure I was.  I was 30 and everything was just fine.  How could I have been so scared and nothing happened?  I had some how let my thoughts do me in.

As of today I have been smoke free for 70 days and saved $230.  It feels amazing to have made it this far and not feel like I can’t go another day and I know that’s what I can do.  Today I am smoke free, I can only live one day at a time…so I wanted to write down a list…or two…or three  Here are my 30 things…

30 Things that I am thankful for – in no particular order

  1. To be alive
  2. my parents
  3. my husband
  4. my sister
  5. My Sweet furry children
  6. Devereux (Foster care agency)
  7. my job
  8. a roof over my head
  9. my health (as bad as I feel today, it could always be worse)
  10. my friends
  11. al-anon
  12. AA
  13. being able to pay bills and some what on time most months 🙂
  14. My Hubbies substance abuse counselor and his wife who have become very close friends.
  15. being nicotine free
  16. loving my job
  17. a bed to make
  18. food in my house to eat
  19. clothes on my back
  20. people willing to donate items to others in need
  21. a husband who understands my migraines
  22. an understanding Boss
  23. supportive family
  24. being able to express my creative side
  25. strangers who smile back
  26. strangers who smile first
  27. warm spring days
  28. waking up to a Boxer who wants to snuggle
  29. falling asleep in my husbands arms
  30. hearing someone say they think I will be a good mom

 

to my child…

We have to write a letter to our future child, and one to the bio parents, take a family photo and make a scrap-book of who we are.  How do i put into words the love i already have in my heart for a child i have yet to meet.  I love them so much already.  I have for the 9 years I have been married and we knew we were going to adopt or be foster parents.

In filling out the application paperwork i have had to answer some in-depth questions.  Hubby is going to have to mention things from his child hood, we have to put down he was treated for alcoholism. We just have to be honest with them and hope God knows that we want to be parents and we can give then love and a safe home.

God knows what is in my heart, i have to pray and let it go.  I have to turn it over and know that he has a child for us just waiting.  I have a room, a bed, stuffed animals.  I do need a dresser, toys, clothes, and things a 4-6 year old little girl needs.

Hope to start classes in late January…its been a little stressful on us already, we just have to stay strong and not take it out on each other.  We are both scarred, excited, nervous and happy.  The unknown scares the hell out of me, but that’s what life is…learning, experiencing new things, traveling uncharted waters…good thing is we have guides, friends, family and recovery.  One day at a time and one step of a time the adoption and our recovery and our life will come at us on its own terms…I am ready.

I want to be a mom…I am ready to be a mom…just waiting for you baby girl.

 

 

Can also be seen on my other blog: Court’s Royal Corner

Daydreaming…

I had a daydream or vision – what ever you want you want to call it – it was almost scary real.  After I kinda snapped back to the real world it felt almost more like a memory vs a dream.  I was watching Julie and Julia waiting for my husband to get home from his meeting last night when I kinda zoned out.  I was still watching the movie in my dream, but we had a daughter who was playing on the floor – she came over to me and crawled up in my lap.  She said to me in the softest little voice, “Mommy, I am adopted right?” Taken back a little bit I held her tight and said “Mommy and Daddy adopted you because we love you so much!”  Then she looked me right in the eye and asked, “Why didn’t my birth parents love me?”

Oh Crap!  Now what do I say – “They were sick honey, they did the best they could with what they had but they just couldn’t take care of you as well as they needed to.”  She still looked a bit sad so I went one a bit more, “Daddy and I got a call that a sweet little girl needed to be loved and cared for and we had a lot of give.  So they brought you here to live with us so we could be your parents.”  She looked a little bit better.  Then she said a few things that shocked me, “If they pray, God will remove their short comings for next time”

“Baby Girl, do you listen to Mommy and Daddy when we Read the steps?”  She shook her head yes then asked me when she could go with us to our meetings.  I told her I would look into it and it was time to brush her teeth and start getting ready for bed.  “I can’t go to bed till Daddy gets home!”  “Ok, Ok – Let’s start getting ready so when he gets home you are good to go.”

With that I kinda came to and my Hubby was just getting home – That was the most realistic dream I have ever had involving our one day adopted daughter.  And pretty much the first dream I have had about AA or Al-anon.

Belly button birthday…

Yesterday (9/1) was my husbands belly button birthday.  He did a bunch of errands and then it was time to relax and make dinner.  Looking back to where we were a year ago makes me so very thankful that we have what we have now.

**update** Wish we had done more for my husbands birthday – but the 21st was our wedding anniversary – we went to a very fun dinner and show with the whole family.  There is a theater company here in my home town that does musical plays and it is amazing and fun for the whole family.  We got a free Ice cream Sunday but it was covered in chocolate so my husband got to enjoy it all by himself.

 

Mom update…

 

Mom was able to come home on Saturday, I saw her on Sunday.  She looked much better that she did at the hospital.  She has been txting me a lot more over the last few days so I think she is getting back to her normal self.  She is supposed to see the Dr today so we shall see what they say.  I spent most of my child hood waiting to hear if my mom was going to be ok.    I will post any updates that I get and I would like to thank everyone out there who said a prayer for my mother.  She is a fighter and a survivor.

Beginning stage of Colon Cancer

beginning stage of Cervical Cancer

ulcerative colitis

addisons disease

 

When did a child’s birthday party go from being all about them to all about how much the parents can drink till someone falls and sends shards of glass all over the are where the children are playing?  Since when was a child tossing water balloons become an excuse for the adults to spray them with the garden hose till they were crying or having a difficult time breathing?  I have been bothered by the so-called “birthday parties” that my friends have had for their children.  I remember them being very different when I was a kid.

No one drank, no one punished us for having fun. The parents who stayed at the party would play games with us or just cook and set up the games for us.  We played outside, we tossed water balloons – where the goal was not to break them open.  It was 100% all about us kids, not a drinking party for the adults.  I never remember my parents inviting THEIR friends over to our parties – if they had kids or not.

My husband and I were talking about how we are going to do it for Baby Girl (that’s how we refer to the daughter we have yet to adopt, more on that later) I have no idea what happened differently with some of my adult friends and how they think that the parties they have are the way a CHILD”S party should be set up.  After talking with my husband about how their parties were growing up, I now see the effects that drinking has on these social events.  Hubby said that his parents and their friends would treat them the same way.  The kids could not have anywhere near the same amount of fun as the adults – they would put a stop to it in a heart beat if that was the case.  They were always looking for ways to out do the kids, or just plain ruin their fun.  If they could upset the kids to the point of making them cry or want to go to their rooms, they felt they had done something good for themselves.

I wanted to cry, tell my husband that a child should never EVER have to go through life like that, but I can not change how his parent were to him as a child.  All I can do is be there for him and let him tell all the haunting stories of how his childhood was.  It was way left field from mine – or was it.  Alcohol was not a part of my child hood, but that doesn’t mean I wasn’t bullied…to be continued.

 

If no one has told you they love you today, I love you and God does too.

 

 

Put Down The Drink

My husband heard this song the other day and found it for me on youtube.  I had to share this with you!

Emphatic – Put Down The Drink

  • Baby, put down the drink
  • And baby, put down the bottle
  • You’re startin’ to sink
  • And when you’re down on your knees, it’s so hard to swallow
  • Your heart is beatin’ like a loaded gun
  • What’s done is done and you’re spinnin’ in circles
  • Where’s the girl that I used to know?
  • Why did you let her go? You know I loved her so
  • It’s never any more than one for me
  • But always two or three for you
  • Baby, put down the drink
  • Baby, put down the bottle
  • You’re startin’ to sink
  • And when you’re down on your knees, it’s so hard to swallow
  • I don’t want to see it go this way
  • Feelin’ like tomorrow is just a yesterday
  • I hate the way it is and to tell you the truth
  • It’s killin’ me and it’s killin’ you
  • I can’t stand all the ups and downs
  • The back and forths and the ’round and ’rounds
  • The in and outs of the slammin’ doors
  • It’s tearin’ me apart, I can’t take no more
  • It’s never any more than one for me
  • But always two or three for you
  • Baby, put down the drink
  • Baby, put down the bottle
  • You’re startin’ to sink
  • And when you’re down on your knees, yeah, it’s so hard to swallow
  • I want us back like we were before
  • Not like the broken glass lyin’ on the floor
  • Baby, put down the drink
  • (Put down the drink)
  • Baby, put down the bottle
  • (Put down the bottle)
  • It feels like it’s all slippin’ away
  • I wish I had you like it has you
  • It feels like it’s all slippin’ away
  • I wish I had you
  • Baby, put down the drink
  • Baby, put down the bottle
  • You’re startin’ to sink
  • And you get high when you’re down, but I’m watchin’ you fall
  • So baby, put down the drink
  • Baby, put down the bottle
  • You’re startin’ to sink
  • And when you’re down on your knees, yeah, it’s so hard to swallow
  • I want us back like we were before
  • Not like the broken glass lyin’ on the floor
  • Baby, put down the drink
  • Put down the bottle
  • (When you’re down on your knees, it’s so hard to swallow)
  • Put down the drink
  • Put down the bottle
  • Your heart is beatin’ like a loaded gun
  • What’s done is done
  • And you’re spinning in circles

Dozer to the rescue…

I have a 1 and a 1/2-year-old Boxer named Dozer and he saved my life this weekend.  In a panic Dozer was running from me (watching tv in the living room) to the kitchen and making noise like he wanted me to get up.  I thought he was just out of water so I took my time getting up.  Well as soon as I walked into the kitchen the smell of propane hit me. I called hubby who was out in the shop to come in and help me find the leak. The pilot light on the stove went out and so propane was leaking into the kitchen.  So Dozer saved the day!  I am blessed to have him and he has been the joy in my life since I saw him when he was 3 days old.  out of 10 pups only 3 made it, so we are very blessed to have him to light up our lives.  He makes me smile and laugh everyday.  He is the most loving and affectionate dog I have EVER had.  if you are looking for a fun, happy, LOVING dog, get a boxer!!

If no one has told you they love you today, I love you and God does too!

Dozer playing with Ice summer 2011

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