Tag Archive: love

Happy Valentine’s Day…

“I don’t understand why Cupid was chosen to represent Valentine’s Day. When I think about romance, the last thing on my mind is a short, chubby toddler coming at me with a weapon.”
~ Author Unknown ~

Hello My Name is Courtney, and I am in love with a recovering alcoholic.  He is in love with a recovering a Co-dependent.  We each have our own programs to help us and we have gone to meetings together to get a better understanding of where the other one is coming from.  It was difficult to sit there helpless while the person I loved was killing themselves.

On this day of love, please take time to tell the people you care about that you love them.  You don’t have to blow a bunch of money on gifts – but spend time with them, have dinner at home, make it together.  Go out just the two of you, or as a family if you have children.

Mirror Mirror

Mirror Mirror on the wall…

The Mirror

Image via Wikipedia

What matters to me at the end of the day, is if I can look at myself in the mirror and look myself in the eyes.  I used to feel that if I looked in the mirror long enough, the reflection started to distort and I no longer recognized who it was I was looking at.  It was like staring at a stranger, this person had dark sad eyes, she looked tired and angry.  I felt alone in my own head with this stranger, she was the one who said nasty things, felt nasty things and let people walk all over her.  Today, I can look in the mirror and see me for who I know I am.  I see light clear eyes that are looking right back at me with no pretense.  I know that while I smile back at myself its a true smile, for I did by best that day and that’s all I can ask of myself.  I need to set more achievable goals and not set myself up for failure.

I had to be able to love myself before I could really love anyone else.  I was not happy with who I saw in the mirror and I tried to make myself look better.  Even if I just thought the nasty things but never said them out loud, it was still toxic thinking that was taking over my brain.  All I had done by not saying the things out loud was make it harder for people to know that I had a problem and needed help.  I smiled and said the nicest things out loud, but in my head the pure venom was rolling about waiting to one day be spat into someone’s face.  I was to chicken to say these things out loud, or maybe it was the good and evil fight in my head.  The little angel and devil on my shoulders having their way with my thoughts.  The devil made me come up with these things, then the angel would turn on the filter so that no one got hurt.  Well that’s not true, I got hurt.

Now that I love myself, I can freely love others.  I can love my husband even thought we can still drive each other nuts.  I can love my husband even though he still makes mistakes.  I can love myself even thought I still make mistakes.  I can make mistakes as long as I learn from them.

  If no one has told you they love you today, I love you and God does too!


Wow March already!  I must apologize for being a day late with my welcome to the new month post.  I was quite ill yesterday with a migraine, I try to get a post in even through the pain,

ghost god (pike and 12th)

but I just could not muster the energy.  I just could not put out a post just for the sake of a post that had not heart or feeling in it.  I only put up posts that have my heart and feelings in them, cause well that is the point here.  I just don’t post to post.  Anyways – let’s get on to the matter at hand, step 3!

Step 3: Made a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of God as we understood Him.

OK, God as we understood him.  This is how you see your god, your higher power – for it says as we understood him.  Some people pray to nature, some people pray to the sandals, robe and long hair god, some pray to the ancient roman gods – who ever it is, what ever form they take in our mind – you must be willing to trust them.  You must be willing to hand things over and for most, including myself, this can be easier said than done.  As I have said before, things that are worth doing, things that are the right thing to do, things that we know better about all along – they are never easy.  If it were easy we might not be where we are right now, I know that’s what I did.  I took the path of disrepair and  negativity cause it was easier to give up than fight.   It was easier to hold on to my anger and resentment.  It gave me an excuse to feel like crap.  I gave myself permission to accept all the bad stuff in my life and blame others.  Was his drinking my fault, no.  Was the way I let it into my head my fault, yes.  I am not here to fix my addict, I am here because of him.  Am I here to learn how to fix him, no.  I am here to learn the tools needed to carry on my life that has been effected by alcohol. God, the Father watches us all everywhere.

I had to first admit to the problem at hand, I then had to believe that I could be restored, now I have to believe that I can not to this without help.  Lord knows sitting at home alone with my negative thoughts and actions got me no where for over 5 years, I can give this a try!  I have to tell myself all the time to let go, but as much as I try – I still hold on to the smallest of thread holding that problem to me.

After my meeting last night I was talking to a new comer to our group who is having a hard time, I gave her a bunch of hugs and a few words of comfort.  I told  her that I was where she is right now all but a few months back.  I passed on the Lego that I had been given my first night in Al-Anon.  It came with a story talking o letting go and using the Lego to help to remember to do so.  I thought that she might get some use from it as I had when I first found the program.

Lego bricks

  If no one has told you they love you today, I love you and God does too!

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