Tag Archive: Marriage


Married or not you should read this…

I got this story off face book – made me cry for it was a little too close to home.  I almost lost my husband in a separation this summer.

Divorce, Exterior lantern, Restaurant, View

Image via Wikipedia

“When I got home that night as my wife served dinner, I held her hand and said, I’ve got something to tell you. She sat down and ate quietly. Again I observed the hurt in her eyes.

Suddenly I didn’t know how to open my mouth. But I had to let her know what I was thinking. I want a divorce. I raised the topic calmly. She didn’t seem to be annoyed by my words, instead she asked me softly, why?

I avoided her question. This made her angry. She threw away the chopsticks and shouted at me, you are not a man! That night, we didn’t talk to each other. She was weeping. I knew she wanted to find out what had happened to our marriage. But I could hardly give her a satisfactory answer; she had lost my heart to Jane. I didn’t love her anymore. I just pitied her!

With a deep sense of guilt, I drafted a divorce agreement which stated that she could own our house, our car, and 30% stake of my company. She glanced at it and then tore it into pieces. The woman who had spent ten years of her life with me had become a stranger. I felt sorry for her wasted time, resources and energy but I could not take back what I had said for I loved Jane so dearly. Finally she cried loudly in front of me, which was what I had expected to see. To me her cry was actually a kind of release. The idea of divorce which had obsessed me for several weeks seemed to be firmer and clearer now.

The next day, I came back home very late and found her writing something at the table. I didn’t have supper but went straight to sleep and fell asleep very fast because I was tired after an eventful day with Jane. When I woke up, she was still there at the table writing. I just did not care so I turned over and was asleep again.

In the morning she presented her divorce conditions: she didn’t want anything from me, but needed a month’s notice before the divorce. She requested that in that one month we both struggle to live as normal a life as possible. Her reasons were simple: our son had his exams in a month’s time and she didn’t want to disrupt him with our broken marriage.

This was agreeable to me. But she had something more, she asked me to recall how I had carried her into out bridal room on our wedding day. She requested that every day for the month’s duration I carry her out of our bedroom to the front door ever morning. I thought she was going crazy. Just to make our last days together bearable I accepted her odd request.

I told Jane about my wife’s divorce conditions. . She laughed loudly and thought it was absurd. No matter what tricks she applies, she has to face the divorce, she said scornfully.

My wife and I hadn’t had any body contact since my divorce intention was explicitly expressed. So when I carried her out on the first day, we both appeared clumsy. Our son clapped behind us, daddy is holding mommy in his arms. His words brought me a sense of pain. From the bedroom to the sitting room, then to the door, I walked over ten meters with her in my arms. She closed her eyes and said softly; don’t tell our son about the divorce. I nodded, feeling somewhat upset. I put her down outside the door. She went to wait for the bus to work. I drove alone to the office.

On the second day, both of us acted much more easily. She leaned on my chest. I could smell the fragrance of her blouse. I realized that I hadn’t looked at this woman carefully for a long time. I realized she was not young any more. There were fine wrinkles on her face, her hair was graying! Our marriage had taken its toll on her. For a minute I wondered what I had done to her.

On the fourth day, when I lifted her up, I felt a sense of intimacy returning. This was the woman who had given ten years of her life to me. On the fifth and sixth day, I realized that our sense of intimacy was growing again. I didn’t tell Jane about this. It became easier to carry her as the month slipped by. Perhaps the everyday workout made me stronger.

She was choosing what to wear one morning. She tried on quite a few dresses but could not find a suitable one. Then she sighed, all my dresses have grown bigger. I suddenly realized that she had grown so thin, that was the reason why I could carry her more easily.

Suddenly it hit me… she had buried so much pain and bitterness in her heart. Subconsciously I reached out and touched her head.

Our son came in at the moment and said, Dad, it’s time to carry mom out. To him, seeing his father carrying his mother out had become an essential part of his life. My wife gestured to our son to come closer and hugged him tightly. I turned my face away because I was afraid I might change my mind at this last minute. I then held her in my arms, walking from the bedroom, through the sitting room, to the hallway. Her hand surrounded my neck softly and naturally. I held her body tightly; it was just like our wedding day.

But her much lighter weight made me sad. On the last day, when I held her in my arms I could hardly move a step. Our son had gone to school. I held her tightly and said, I hadn’t noticed that our life lacked intimacy. I drove to office…. jumped out of the car swiftly without locking the door. I was afraid any delay would make me change my mind…I walked upstairs. Jane opened the door and I said to her, Sorry, Jane, I do not want the divorce anymore.

She looked at me, astonished, and then touched my forehead. Do you have a fever? She said. I moved her hand off my head. Sorry, Jane, I said, I won’t divorce. My marriage life was boring probably because she and I didn’t value the details of our lives, not because we didn’t love each other anymore. Now I realize that since I carried her into my home on our wedding day I am supposed to hold her until death do us apart. Jane seemed to suddenly wake up. She gave me a loud slap and then slammed the door and burst into tears. I walked downstairs and drove away. At the floral shop on the way, I ordered a bouquet of flowers for my wife. The salesgirl asked me what to write on the card. I smiled and wrote, I’ll carry you out every morning until death do us apart.

That evening I arrived home, flowers in my hands, a smile on my face, I run up stairs, only to find my wife in the bed -dead. My wife had been fighting CANCER for months and I was so busy with Jane to even notice. She knew that she would die soon and she wanted to save me from the whatever negative reaction from our son, in case we push through with the divorce.— At least, in the eyes of our son—- I’m a loving husband….

The small details of your lives are what really matter in a relationship. It is not the mansion, the car, property, the money in the bank. These create an environment conducive for happiness but cannot give happiness in themselves.

So find time to be your spouse’s friend and do those little things for each other that build intimacy. Do have a real happy marriage!

If you don’t share this, nothing will happen to you.

If you do, you just might save a marriage. Many of life’s failures are people who did not realize how close they were to success when they gave up.

 

 

Co-dependency – Part 1

This is a 5 part Post on Co-dependency.

Part 1 of 5

Every time I mention to someone that I had a Co-dependency to my husband’s drinking they try to talk me out of thinking that way.  I found a list of patternsto help figure out if the co-dependency is there.  I was a little amazed looking through the list.  I had a few of these patterns, OK more like a lot of these patterns.

Panic attack

Image via Wikipedia

Denial patterns:

  • I have difficulty identifying what I am feeling.
  • I minimize, alter or deny how I truly feel.
  • I perceive myself as completely unselfish and dedicated to the well-being of others.
  • I lack empathy for the feelings and needs of others.
  • I label others with my negative traits.
  • I can take care of myself without any help from others.
  • I mask my pain in various ways such as anger, humor, or isolation.
  • I express negativity or aggression in indirect and passive ways.
  • I do not recognize the unavailability of those people to whom I am attracted.

I can say that I would try to hide my pain and I would isolate myself and then have anger and sadness for being alone.  I would take care of others before ever taking care of myself and didn’t want any help taking care of myself either.  I never wanted to feel helpless or that I needed someone that much.  I sure as heck didn’t want my husband to know the extent of the pain I was in all the time.  I never wanted him to think I was getting sick and then leave me.  I remember him saying a few times to me that my Dad was a strong person being right by my mom through all of her illness and that he is not sure he could do it.  Well hello panic!  I would have anxiety attacks about having to go to the hospital or the Dr for something cause he was going to run at any time, I would think to myself.  So instead I would just spend all of my time taking care of him and make sure he never knew I was in pain.

To be continued…

If no one has told you they love you today, I love you and God does too!


Class

My husband is taking a substance abuse class – and he seems to be getting a lot out of it.  It’s ran by a husband and wife team, and they seem very knowledgeable.  The man who runs the classes has been clean and sober for a long time now, so he knows what everyone is going through.  Its not just someone who is reading things from a book, it comes from real experience.

I had a Dr once who was trying to treat my migraines when she had never had one in her life.  Its hard to treat someone when you have no experience with it.  So I am thankful that he is getting help from someone who knows what they are talking about first hand not just from what they were told to talk about.  Everything I talk about here is something I have experienced.  I may not have had an addiction to drugs or alcohol, but I am a smoker who has tried to quit and have done so for small jaunts.  I have been working on cutting back and then plan to be smoke free here very soon.  So yes, I too suffer from an addiction an I watched a loved one suffer with alcohol addiction.  I have had a few friends who have drug problems, some have sought help, others choose to just live with the addiction.

All I can say is that I speak from the heart, I speak about what on my mind and I share these things with the hopes that maybe, just maybe I can reach someone.  The class that my husband is taking not only goes over the mental part of the drinking addiction, it also goes over what you do to your body and the long term effects.  He shares with me the things they go over in class and it makes me happy he can share it with me.  I have heard somethings I never knew, and heard somethings I had been trying to tell him.  It doesn’t bother me that he didn’t listen to me but listened to them, he wasn’t ready to hear what I had to say.  Now with his open mind, he is able to listen and take to heart the damage he was doing.

If you are interested in a class I am sure that either your local AA or NA group might have some information.  Also I find doing a google search for things does sometimes prove helpful.  You just have to be smart with your google searches and check out the information before getting your heart set on anything.

unmanageable

I am powerless of over alcohol and my life has become unmanageable.

– Lets take a look at the word unmanageable now.

unmanageable

adj.
Difficult or impossible to manage, as:

  1. Not submitting to discipline; unruly: an unmanageable child.
  2. Difficult to keep under control or within limits: unmanageable traffic congestion.
  3. Awkward; unwieldy: unmanageable bundles.

If you suffer with the addiction or if you are watching a loved one suffer, you know what that feels like.  Even if you have not admitted to it yet, you still know what it feels like.  Every part of my life suffered.  I wasn’t sleeping so my work suffered.  I didn’t have time to keep up on the house cleaning, so that suffered.  He was unwilling to help me with the house, so it had started to look abandoned.  It has taken a while with us both recovering to start to open our eyes to what had happened around us.  So now we can start painting the house, fixing water leaks, replacing the carpet with wood floors.  He can go out to his shop and work on cars instead of drinking night after night.  I know he wants to get one of his projects done before summer and then start on the next one.  I hope that during the summer when it is too hot he can come in and help me with the house.

We used to blame each other for the house being a mess, we did the same thing with his drinking.  He would drink, get mean and that would make me mad.  So then he would drink cause I was mad, it was a never-ending snowball that just grew and grew.  The house was a mess cause he would not pick anything up, I got tired of cleaning up after him while he was drunk.  He would spend more time outside cause the house was a mess, I would get mad and then he would drink more.  See how it’s this never-ending blame shift, we both blamed the other and were the cause of each others anger.

Blame shiftBlaming others can lead to a “kick-the-dog effect” where individuals in a hierarchy blame their immediate subordinate, and this propagates down the hierarchy until the lowest rung (the “dog”). A 2009 experimental study has shown that blaming can be contagious even for uninvolved onlookers. Blame is utilized as a social control technique.

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