Tag Archive: Meditation


another month down…

We are fast approaching the end of February and I am ready for a new month and the next step.  Step two wasCame to believe that a Power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity.”

Looking back I don’t think I touched on the Second tradition at all, so let me take some time to reflect on the second tradition. “For our group purpose there is but one ultimate authority—a loving God as He may express Himself in our group conscience. Our leaders are but trusted servants; they do not govern.”  I feel that I am a trusted servant, who uses the power of words to hopefully bring some hope to someone who might feel very much alone at the moment.  I have been there, I know how it feels.  I feel that my Higher Power gives me the wisdom of the words that flow from my fingertips as they fly across these keys on my laptop keyboard.  This is a bit of my meditation time, a little bit of time I take out of every day to sit and pour my feelings, thoughts and wishes of hope out so that they can reach out to others who might also be in need.  Or I might reach out to someone who could offer insight or experience that I might not have heard other wise.

Part of my healing process is this blog right here, if I can’t sleep cause I have to get something off my chest – I log in and spill it.  Then I can roll over and go right back to sleep.  I know that I do not have all the answers – nor do I need to have them.  All I need to know is that I am only in control of how I react to things, how I let them rent space in my head and how I will let it go and move on.  If you have questions, I may not be able to answer them, I might just be able to point you in the right direction.  Things will not happen over night but they do get easier.  Times are still hard, I still spend a lot of time alone.  He has his program and things that he does to stay sober or just plain work on getting rid of his stress or anger on his own.  I have to except that yes he is sober, yes he still spends time doing other tings with out me, yes I can be strong on my own.  Being alone for me is so scary, I get caught up in my own crazy dark thoughts.  Or if I have a migraine I fear that something bad will happen to me and I will be all alone.

Some people fear other people and I can’t say I blame them.  I am not always comfortable around strangers, but I am VERY uncomfortable being all alone.  I know that he needs his time, I know he likes his classes and his meetings.  I can not have 100% of his time and I guess it hurts a bit because we used to be like that.  But it’s not “we used to” any more, this is my new normal till the next new normal comes around.  It just takes a little time getting used to something different, lord knows my life has been full of change these last few months.

 

If no one has told you they love you today, I love you and God does too!

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came to…

Ok – Step two says “Came to believe that a Power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity.”  Hubby and I were talking about this step and he said that he felt that the come to was like waking up.  “come to after passing out”  Like he woke up and realized that he needed a higher power in his life.   I would have to agree that I also felt like I had been asleep, or trapped is more like it in this dream of someone else’s life.  Looked like me – sounded like me – but sure didn’t behave like I wanted them to.  I would have this voice in the back of my head that was telling me the right things to do – but my fear or stubbornness would not allow it.  I maintained the course to self destruct mode, it was a lot easier letting someone be the blame behind how I felt.  I felt so bad because I stood by and let it happen.  I let it happen to me, let them get in my head, I internalized the anger and pain.

Just this weekend we had an issue, Hubby realized that he had yelled at me about not doing something he himself had walked past twice and not done it either.  So after yelling at me about it, he just did it and went out to his shop to decompress for a while.  I thought he was just so upset with me that he could not stand to be in the house and blah blah blah – right back into the freak out mode I had been stuck in for years.  He left before the fight could start and before he said something bad.  I took his silence as “OMG the world is coming to an end.”  I do realize that if I had a sponsor, that I could have called her and talked it out – more than likely came to that very thing.  Instead I lost sleep over it, felt like an utter mess for the rest of the weekend until we talked about it last night before bed.  Geesh, why did it take us 24 hours to talk about it?!  He apologized and I admitted to internalizing it.  so, we still have things to work on.  I am just happy that we were both able to see our mistakes and come clean about it.

That step comes a bit later, but I do like being able to recognize when I have done something wrong and promptly apologize for it.

If no one has told you they love you today, I love you and God does too!

Coffee and Prayers…

Coffee
Image by @Doug88888 via Flickr

Some mornings I am lucky enough to have my sweet hubby make a cup of coffee for me for my ride into work.  Other morning there is not enough time or we both forget, on these mornings I have to make my coffee when I get to work.  So while I make my coffee I take that time to talk to my higher power.  I ask questions, I get things off my chest or just voice some concerns.  Now I don’t say these things out loud cause well I might be deemed the crazy lady who talks to her coffee.  But I do have the thoughts in my head and picture the stress or anxiety leaving my body.  I take the problems that I can not handle alone and I pray for help.

“To Pray is to ask the questions, meditation is to hear the answers.”

I pray every morning and meditate every night. Not only do I get help with what I was praying for, but it also relaxes me to be able to fall asleep.  I have bad insomnia and spent most nights watching the ceiling fan go around.  Part of it is from the headaches, the pain never really goes away.  The other part is not being able to shut my brain off.  I get a song stuck in my head, an issue that has come up that day or week or just what I want to make for dinner the next day.  What ever the thought is, I just can not shut it off!  So sleep for me sometimes is just something I know nothing about.

So for me my morning coffee is very important, it wakes me up and gives me time to pause and talk to my higher power.  I have a friend who writes “coffee with god” on FaceBook, I start Image representing Facebook as depicted in Cru...every morning with reading it.  Usually while drinking my coffee.  His words are kind and helpful, and some days it seems that what he is talking about is directly related to how I feel that day.  It’s nice to know that I am not alone, that people out there are going through or feeling the same things I am.  For some being alone is the most scariest thing.  For others all they want is to be alone.

I am one who is not found of being alone, I used to be one who was petrified of it.  I thought there was now way I could live alone, how could I go on without someone being right there all the time.  This summer I found out that I can very well live on my own.  Did I like it? NO!  did I survive? Yes!  Was it hard? You bet!  But I did it and so its not just the fear of being alone that is keeping me right where I am, its the love for him that keeps up together.  It’s a bond that runs deeper than just that of a husband and wife, we are truly connected again.  Its still hard, and we still make each other crazy.  But the ups are much higher now and much longer where the downs are much short and not so deep.

Don’t give up hope, if love is there and you have a good foundation – you can come out of this together.  We walked from the flames hand and hand, our bond and love stronger than ever.  Yes we had some chared edges and some scars.  But wounds heal, scars fade and together we will pull from each others strengths.  We have our recovery programs, we have each other, we have faith in a higher power, we let go and let god.

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