Tag Archive: Mental health


With March almost over I wanted to do a little check in.  This has been a big month for us.  I turned 30 years old, celebrated 9 years at my current job and we started foster/adoptive parent classes.  I have not been to a meeting in two weeks, I was feeling a little burnt out.  Plus with class being on Wed nights and not getting home till after 9pm the next day I feel dead.  Makes it hard to want to go anywhere Thursday night as well.  I do miss my Al-anon family, but right now I have to take care of myself.

I was taught that in Al-Anon, we have to take care of ourselves.  And right now that means getting rest and not over doing it.  The first class was a shocker and until I get used to staying up late on Wed nights it might be a little bit till I can get to a meeting.  I still do my reading and will still try to keep in touch with everyone.

This being the third month we talked about the third step, I am having to do that a lot and turn stuff over.  Its hard, but I know in my heart that my Higher Power is there right beside me through all of this.  I pray for the strength to stay on track and make it though this process of becoming a parent.  I know my daughter is out there somewhere, just waiting for us like we are waiting for her.

I use the serenity prayer so much om my way to work – it’s a good thing I don’t have my windows down, the cars next to me might hear me yell it over and over to myself till I can say it calmly from the heart.  That’s when I know my higher power has heard me and I feel the calming nature of his presence with me.

What are somethings that you have turned over to the care of God, as you understood him?  What are somethings that you know you need to let go of but are having an issue doing so?

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30…part 3

This has been a few posts of expressing my fears, what I am thankful for and now I will list 30 things that I hope to achieve or just am looking forward to doing.  In no particular order:

  1. become a parent
  2. Finish painting the inside of our house
  3. clean out baby girls room
  4. Finish cleaning my office
  5. pay off some debt
  6. make better choices on how to spend our money
  7. get down to my goal weight
  8. take more classes
  9. paint more
  10. relax more
  11. express my feeling better
  12. learn how to ask for the things I want
  13. learn to tell the difference between what I want and what I need
  14. learn to fully turn things over and not try to hang on
  15. learn to let things go, if it bothers me, let them know – or drop it all together.  Holding on to things forever only keeps hurting me
  16. take better care of myself – eat better, sleep at normal time, go to the doctor, not ignore symptoms, treat my migraines when they start.
  17. learn new things to better help me at my job
  18. Finish more art projects
  19. Finish tasks
  20. not be so hard on myself when something doesn’t go as I planned
  21. one day replace the current house we have with a new one
  22. one day help my husband with a business of our own
  23. help my adoptive daughter understand how loved she is
  24. family trip to Disneyland
  25. get a few left over dental issues taken care of
  26. one day find a treatment for my migraines that works
  27. put aside more time to spend with my husband doing fun things
  28. learn how to save money
  29. take a family trip somewhere
  30. get family photo taken

30…Part 2

The other day I wrote about the 30 things I was thankful for.  Today I want to express the 30 things I fear or don’t want to happen…Again in no particular order

  1. the dark
  2. dieing
  3. not being a good mother
  4. disappointing my parents
  5. the death of a parent or sister.
  6. the death of my husband
  7. the death of one of my babies (the dogs)
  8. losing my job
  9. losing my house
  10. being told we cannot be foster parents or adopt a child
  11. my husbands health due to his drinking for years
  12. being laid off
  13. that I will be as sick as my mom is one day
  14. that I already am showing the signs of what my mother has
  15. drowning
  16. being stuck in a fire
  17. that my migraines might get worse
  18. that my husband could be injured really bad at work one day
  19. that I could one day have another seizure
  20. upsetting my husband
  21. ending up in the hospital
  22. having surgery
  23. will not be able to get home due to a bad flood (monsoon time)
  24. getting stuck with out food and water again due to a flood
  25. one day Dozer my boxer could have a bad allergy attack when no one is home
  26. something could happen at the house while no one is home and my dogs get hurt
  27. when I have the dogs in the car I pray that on one hits us
  28. that I will forget something important
  29. that I can’t drop the weight that I need to
  30. that my adoptive daughter might one day hate me

30…part 1

I am not 30 years old.  Last Wednesday night I was  afraid to go to sleep.  If I went to sleep then when I woke up I would be 30.  Like by staying away I could avoid it.  It’s just a number I know, but for some reason 30 was a scary one.  I was watching TV and trying to keep it together.  I had taken Thursday and Friday off work, so my lack of sleep was not hurting anything.  I was trying not to keep my husband (who still had to go to work in the morning) awake with my panic attack.  I remember how I felt as 9pm and then 10pm rolled around.  The panic was almost too much for me.

I got pretty interested in what was on the TV at that moment (can’t tell you what it was now) And I looked over at the time to see it was 1:30am.  OMG, I was 30!  Nothing felt different, the world had not come to an end, no one was calling me telling me what a failure I was.  I was 30 and everything was just fine.  How could I have been so scared and nothing happened?  I had some how let my thoughts do me in.

As of today I have been smoke free for 70 days and saved $230.  It feels amazing to have made it this far and not feel like I can’t go another day and I know that’s what I can do.  Today I am smoke free, I can only live one day at a time…so I wanted to write down a list…or two…or three  Here are my 30 things…

30 Things that I am thankful for – in no particular order

  1. To be alive
  2. my parents
  3. my husband
  4. my sister
  5. My Sweet furry children
  6. Devereux (Foster care agency)
  7. my job
  8. a roof over my head
  9. my health (as bad as I feel today, it could always be worse)
  10. my friends
  11. al-anon
  12. AA
  13. being able to pay bills and some what on time most months 🙂
  14. My Hubbies substance abuse counselor and his wife who have become very close friends.
  15. being nicotine free
  16. loving my job
  17. a bed to make
  18. food in my house to eat
  19. clothes on my back
  20. people willing to donate items to others in need
  21. a husband who understands my migraines
  22. an understanding Boss
  23. supportive family
  24. being able to express my creative side
  25. strangers who smile back
  26. strangers who smile first
  27. warm spring days
  28. waking up to a Boxer who wants to snuggle
  29. falling asleep in my husbands arms
  30. hearing someone say they think I will be a good mom

 

New Month, next step…

The 3rd step is also the 3rd step in my little cha-cha dance.

Made a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of God as we understood Him.

We made a decision…  this says to me that it is truly up to me to make this choice.  I can choose to be sick and crazy, or I can choose to get better and ask for help from my higher power.  If I ask for help then I have to be willing to get out of the damn way so that He can do what He needs to do to help me. And it’s the care of God not the full control, not the ultimate fix all.  We still have to play a part in our lives, we just have to be willing to ask the right questions and listen to the answers.  It may not be what we want and it may not even be something that we understand at the very moment.  But it is there, if we ask for it.

If I ask for the ability to understand my husband, He is going to give me a situation where I have to be understanding.  If I want to forgive my husband, He will give me a situation where I will need to forgive.  If I ask to be more patient, He will give me a situation where I have to show patience.  He is not going to magically give me what I ask for, He is going to give me the tools to show myself that I have the ability to do it.  Al-Anon has shown me that when I asked for strength, He showed me that I am strong.

So as we start our step 3, remember that it is in this step that we learn that God is willing to show us what we already have inside us, if we are willing to trust Him and ask for His help.  It’s like asking for someone to take the blindfold off so you can look at your self for the first time.  You get to see all the wonderful things inside you that has been there the whole time, it was just hidden behind our own blockades.  We pulled off the blinders, we pulled back the shades…seeing the true self that is there by asking God for His help, we should be ready for the next step – Our personal inventory, but more on that next month.

If no one has told you they love you today, I love you and God does too.

 

 

Step work…

I feel like I need to do a little step work.

Step #1:

We admitted we were powerless over alcohol—that our lives had become unmanageable.

This can go for things other than alcohol.  I am trying to quit smoking right now, I have almost 14 days under my belt. (5pm today will be 14 days)  and I had to admit that i was powerless and that my life had become unmanageable.  I had let it start to rule my life.  I would plan things around being able to smoke.  it was starting to get sad and upset me.  I quit for 2 years before, I felt so dumb for starting up again.

Step #2:

Came to believe that a Power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity.

I had to put my faith in something greater than myself to be able to let go of the smoking.  I had to let go of it, do I still have craving – OMG yes I do.  But all I have to do is catch a whiff of the smoke and I wanna run the other way.  Makes my head hurt and I feel ill.  I have felt a lot better in these 2 weeks and been pounding the water.  But I had to look towards something else for help.  For me it was the want to become a mother was grater than smoking.  It motivated me really well.

Step #3:

Made a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of God as we understood Him.

I have to ask my God to help me – help me every time I get a bad craving to do something else.  So I prayed about it and what came to mind was water.  Its something I need more of anyways and it might help with the toxins.  So when I get a bad craving – I chug the water.  replacing something bad with something good.  Its helped so far.

 

Those 3 steps – the Cha-Cha as we fondly call it – is the foundation of my life now.  I can use those steps to over come many things.  I am trying to use them to come to grips with the fact I can not control every aspect of these adoptions classes.  The class we wanted we waited too long to sign up for.  and the ones that are left for Jan and Feb and March are not close to our house.  We live outside of the city and all they classes are towards the middle of town.  I have to let go and not get so warped out of shape over the fact that I can’t just take the class where I want to when I want to.  I wanted to call up the center for the class and beg that they let us in.  But there must be a reason God said “not that one my child.”  I may not like what He has to say – and I might not understand why He did it.  (But that’s ok.) It’s not in my control.  I may never know either why He didn’t want us in that class.  That’s in His hands.

There is a christian based class that we can take – doesn’t bother me that its religion based like it might others – it’s just the timing on getting both of us there for it.  There are some that start in March as well.  it would be nice if Hubby had his new job soon and that way we would not have to worry about his current boss trying to make it to where he can’t leave on time.  We have missed a few Thursday night meetings due to that issue. Oh well, some people are just unwilling to have compassion or understanding.  But that is something they have to sort out for themselves.  All I can do if fix me, I can’t fix others.

So keep us in your thoughts as you do your daily prayers – we quit smoking and are working on becoming parents.  My Sober hubby has just over a year and a half under his belt and life just keeps getting better by the day.  Better, not easier – don’t confuse the two.

If no one has told you they love you today, I love you and God does too!!

“Be thankful for what you have; you’ll end up having more.  If you concentrate on what you don’t have, you will never, ever have enough.” – Oprah Winfrey

I am trying to be more thankful for what I have rather than be mad about what others have that I don’t.  In my depression and co-dependent thinking it was easy for me to do the Why me? I NEED that thing, so I MUST have it!  I didn’t need what ever that was.  My wants and needs were all messed up.  I know its been a while since we did any real step work and I am working on that – so over the next few days look out for Step 1 – and a few more inspired thoughts… I know I need them!

If you would like to ask any questions – please feel free to do so in the comments or by emailing me at chipinmyheart2011@gmail.com.  If you email me and I post your question – I will remember to save your anonymity and not share names.

If no one has told you they love you today, I love you and God does too!!

Inspiration…

My Goals:

To work my recovery program the best I can

To become a Foster Parent/Adoptive Parent

To do the best I can at my Job

To be a good daughter

To be a good wife

To be happy

To be Healthy

My Plans:

Go to the meetings that I can, call program people when needed and keep the lines of communication open with my recovering spouse

Go to classes, work on the repairs on our house, pass the back ground check, get our license

I go to work everyday that I can, I try my best to be there on time and dressed properly.

Keep the lines of communication open with my parents, I ask them for a lot of help so I try to always remember to be there for them as well.

I try to take care of my husbands needs but not in a way that causes me to neglect my own needs.  I also try not to get in the way of his recovery, and I also do not do so much for him that he no longer does things for himself or for me.

I try to greet each day as new and with a smile.  Being happy is up to me and me alone.

I try to do things for myself that will help me stay healthy.  I am working on getting rid of the not so healthy aspects of my life.

12 days ago was my 9th month recovery birthday.  I feel a little sad that I don’t get the same milestone celebrations as AA members do.  My Al-anon group only does the yearly coins.  I guess there are some Al-anon groups that don’t even do that…So I will just count my blessings.  I never thought those coins could mean something, but after seeing my husband get his – and other get theirs – it makes me want my own little remembrance that:

YES – I can get better.

YES – I can make it through one day at a time.

YES – I can find love, strength, hope and faith again.

YES – I can support my husband without losing myself.

I also have to remember that I don’t need for something to be recognized by someone else to have it mean more to me.  If it is important to me, then that is who I need to get recognition from.  I need to recognize my own self worth.  I also need to make sure that I gibe non solicited recognition out to my husband and others who I see make changes in their lives.  I need to say out loud that I see how far he has come in his recovery.  Him knowing that I see it and had the mind-set to say it will then show to myself and him just how far in my own recovery I have come.

So – here is my 9th month coin.  It’s a Digital one – but that’s OK  – in just 3 short months I will be getting my one year recovery coin.    If you would like your own digital chip, this is where I got mine: http://serenityfound.org/chips/chips.html

We need to have fun in recovery – we need to learn to laugh at ourselves.  I have learned to laugh and have fun – meetings don’t always have to be about sad or bad things.  I think that new comers need to hear about the good things too.  Offers them hope that they will laugh again one day.  Nothing will be posted with the intention to offend – even though that is a risk that I take with every post.  Some people may not like what I have to say, but that’s their choice.  I have a few funny things to post and then maybe do some exploring into what happens when someone has a relapse.

If you would like to post how long you have been in recovery for, your sobriety birthday, or just share words of hope for others – please feel free to do so in the comment box and as always:

If no one has told you they love you today, I love you and God does too. 

 

Just for today…

~ Just For Today ~

Just for today…   I will try to live through this day only, and not tackle my whole life problem at once.  I can do something for twelve hours that would appall me if I felt that I had to keep it up for a lifetime.

Just for today…   I will be happy.  This assumes to be true what Abraham Lincoln said, that “most folks are as happy as they make their minds up to be.”

Just for today…   I will adjust myself to what is, and not try to adjust everything to my own desires.  I will take my “luck” as it comes, and fit myself to it.

Just for today…   I will try to strengthen my mind.  I will learn something useful.  I will not be a mental loafer.  I will read something that requires effort, thought and concentration.

Just for today…   I will exercise my soul in three ways; I will do somebody a good turn, and not get found out; if anybody knows of it, it will not count.  I will do at least two things I don’t want to do – just for exercise.  I will not show anyone that my feelings are hurt; they may be hurt, but today I will not show it.

Just for today…   I will be agreeable.  I will look as well as I can, dress becomingly, talk low, act courteously, criticize not one bit, not find fault with anything, and not try to improve or regulate anybody but myself.

Just for today…   I will have a program.  I may not follow it exactly, but I will have it.  I will save myself from two pests: hurry and indecision.

Just for today…   I will have a quiet half hour all by myself, and relax.  During this half hour, sometime, I will try to get a better perspective of my life.

Just for today…   I will be unafraid.  Especially I will not be afraid to enjoy what is beautiful, and to believe that as I give to the world, so the world will give to me.

~ – ~

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