Tag Archive: relationship

My 4th step progress.

Writing a fearless and moral inventory of one’s self is a big step.  After a long busy day at work, a migraine and a rain storm I drove home in – writing about everything I have done or do is cleansing yet exhausting at the same time.  This is a much needed step, and I feel much better already.  Even though I have merely scratched the surface.  Thanks to a hand cramp, becoming sore from sitting in an odd position and pure exhaustion, I have done all i care to do for the rest of the night of my step 4.

It’s not a race and its all on my time, so I don’t feel bad about how far I still have to go.  I am proud of how far I have come thus far with this step.  If I dwell on the negative all the time, the good things in life don’t get their time to shine.  Negative soil will never grow positive things.  So i will be putting positive thoughts into my days and into my feelings.

If no one has told you they love you today, I love you and God does too.

*Written on my android wordpress app*

Weclome to May…

The 5th step::

Admitted to God, to ourselves, and to another human being the exact nature of our wrongs.

This goes along with the 4th step.  I have not done my 4th step, but I have done the 5th step in little bits here and there. Admitting to the crazy bad stuff I was doing but justifying it cause of what he was doing.  I was bat shit crazy and that’s all there is to it.  Even if the words never left my head – just the pure craziness that was going around in my head was sickening.  And it wasn’t just thoughts towards my alcoholic, it was for everyone.  Anyone that upset me or angered me would feel my wrath – but only in my mind.

(deep sigh) so – as I look through the list of questions for my fourth step I can see that there are still things in my head – thoughts and feelings – that could still cause some issues.  As my husband says – it’s about progress not perfection.  We will never be perfect, but as long as we are still making progress than we are doing just fine.

Admitting to Gos is not that hard, he was there and saw the hole thing my friend. Admitting to myself – OK, I can do that…I know what I did was wrong even while I was doing it.  But I justified it.  Admitting to another human being, ooh boy.  Now this is that harder part.  You have to be able to trust this person so that you can truly get it all off your chest.

This is going to be a slow going process.  I like to think of myself as an onion and I will have to pull the layers back a bit at a time.  This is not a race – there is no timer or buzzer.  I can take the steps as they come, but I do know that in order to do the 5th step I have to do my 4th step.

If no one has told you they love you today, I love you and God does too.

Fortune cookie says…

Men are apt to settle a question rightly when it is discussed freely.

To me this means that if you talk openly about something, it is more likely to get taken care of then if you are to drop hints.  I used to think I was really good at dropping hints, but sometimes they were taken the wrong way and I got myself into trouble.  If I want something, I need to just ask for it.  If I do not like something, I need to come right out and say it.  But still remember the other person’s feelings and word it in a way that still gets my point across but is not just plain mean.  Hurting someone is never my intention.  I used to just not say anything at all if I thought it would hurt someone.  And that was not good either.  Not telling someone something is just as worse as telling then just to hurt them.  Best thing to do is to just calmly discuss that it is in a way that is not an attack.

That’s what we used to be so good at, the attack.  He was better at it than I was, but me holding back was my response and in a way an attack.  I now have the tools I need to comunicate my feelings.  I can do so in a way that will cause minimal harm, if any.  I try to tell my husband as many times as I feel I need to tell him that I love him.  I never want that, oh I should have said it one more time.  He used to get made that I would say it too much.  Then after we had been separated and got back together, he told me I didn’t say it like I used to.  I told him well you told me I said it too much.  He said “You can say it as much as you want, I will not get tired of it.” so i say it as much as I feel the need to now.

I say I love you to many people in my life, there are friends that are so close to me that I do tell them I love them.  I see nothing wrong with telling someone other than your spouse that you love them, when you do not mean it in a romantic context.   I love you and God loves you too, that what I got from a friend.  “If nobody has told you they love you today, I do and God does too.”  I smile every time I see him post that on Facebook.  I just got the OK to start ending my posts with his saying.  So that is what I am going to do from here on out!

I try to remember everyday that things are not always what they seem…but more on that tomorrow.

If no one has told you they love you today, I love you and God does too!

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