Tag Archive: Relationships


I never thought to try to relate to the traditions on a personal level.  I just thought they were for my Al-Anon group, not my family group.  Last night that all changed when we talked about Tradition 2.

Tradition 2:

For our group purpose there is but one ultimate authority—a loving God as He may express Himself  in our group conscience. Our leaders are but trusted servants; they do not govern.

My husband was the all and mighty word in our house hold for a long time.  Anything he said went, even if I knew it was 100% wrong or the messed up thing to do.  I was to follow my husband in every endeavor.  Well with the help of Al-Anon I learned that I have a higher power, and it is not my husband.  I do love him and will support him.  But I will not support him in a way that will cause myself harm.  I will not support him in and endeavor that will cause himself harm.  I will support him with love and encouragement to be the wonderful loving man I know he is.

Now that we are both recovery people we can talk in a shared language.  Our slogans and saying in AA and Al-Anon are very similar so we can talk on a deeper level now than ever before.  We are not perfect, we are a work in progress.  I am not sure who my husband looked to as a Higher Power – I know his father was for most of his life.  My father-in-laws attitude was “I don’t put the fear of God in my children, because God doesn’t live here.  I live here and they will fear me!”  And fear him they did.  I am sorry, I may not be a mother yet – but I do not feel that Fear is the way I want to raise my children.  I want to instill in my child a love and respect for not only me and her father, but a love and respect for herself and her God.

We were not very church going people growing up, and the only church thing my husband and I have done together is a Marriage 911 class we took at a Local church.  I would go to church functions with all my friends growing up, my parents let me explore my religious curiosity.  They left if up to me to go to church if I wanted to.  I am all for instilling your beliefs on your children, but also give them some freedom to choose their own path.  They might respect you more for that than putting the fear of wanting something for yourself.  It took a long time to get my husband to talk openly about what he wanted or how he felt.  Hid father did a good job of trying to kill his spirit.

And its so sad because my husband has such a playful and fun way about himself when he feels safe to open up.  We laugh and play and just have the best time with each other.  That’s why I can’t wait to have a child that we can both be who we really are around.  We are young, fun and playful people who want to love and cherish our child.  Teach them its ok to reach for a goal and not quite make it.  At least you reached for it.  I want her to have parents who are just but trusted servants of God, who do not Govern.

I want her to be able to come to us with anything without fear, it unlike how my husband was raised and I feel that because he knows how the other side of that coin feels he will be able to flip it over and show her understanding and compassion he never got.  I was raised in an open household like that, but I still got in-trouble for not sticking to the plan.  I had to follow most of my parents goals for me.  But you know I think deep down I needed that tough love to get me going in life.  They were not cold like my in-laws, but they were not push overs either.  I need to find that firm but loving attitude for my own child.  I want to lead her, not rule over her.

Please feel free to share your thoughts on how you can bring Tradition 2 into your family group.

If no one has told you they love you today, I do and God does too!!

 

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“Life is short, and it’s up to you to make it sweet.” – Sadie Delany (American educator and civil rights pioneer)

Life is what you make it.  At our last meeting we were all handed a little red fuzzy ball.  There was a story we read that night about a lady who at her one year anniversary handed out red balls and a thank you note.  The red ball represented her serenity.   She went on in the note talking about how if she let others effect how happy or sad she was she was tossing her little red ball to them.  She was letter other take control of her serenity.

I used to lob that darn ball at people.  I would almost make them take it from me so I could balm them for my unhappiness.  Heck – I used to even say God must have just been mad at me or punishing me.  I was in a bad way.  It was just fitting that we read a story on a lady giving back the night of her one year while I was celebrating getting my one year coin that same night.  Granted it was a few weeks after my one year, but even still – things happen for a reason.

All of us in the meeting were playing with our little red fuzzy ball of serenity while we were reading the story – some were just holding it – others were petting it like it was alive.  It was neat to see how each person treated it a little different.  Here is a table full of adults and we were like little kids being handed a new toy.  We loved it and played with them – tossed them at each other (hehehehe) But we all had a very nice meeting and got a little keep sake to remind us that our serenity is our responsibility and our’s alone.

So remember don’t give anyone your little red ball!

If no one has told you they love you today, I love you and God does too!!

One year down…

 

One year ago today our lives changed, and at first we thought there was no way to recover.  Little did we know then that it was just the starting point of the road to recovery.  Yes there were bumps along the way, yes there were potholes and a few stop signs.  But there were no short cuts or detours on this road.  We took each turn as it came and used a cautious speed.  But here we are a year down the road and can look back at the people we once were, knowing that there is no way we will let ourselves go back.  I love you more and more with each moment.  I now have the tools to express myself to you in a healthy way, and you have learned the tools of recovery.  Its not perfection, it’s progress.  Each day we grow a little closer, each night i get to kiss my best friend who is my husband good night, and each morning i get wake up next to the love of my life.  I am blessed for what we have, and that is not the material things in life, its something no one can take from me.  I am blessed for your love and for you still standing by my side.  Here is to many more sober, happy, loved filled years my husband, i love you so much.  And here is to many more miles down this recovery road as we travel side by side.

 

Mirror Mirror

Mirror Mirror on the wall…

The Mirror

Image via Wikipedia

What matters to me at the end of the day, is if I can look at myself in the mirror and look myself in the eyes.  I used to feel that if I looked in the mirror long enough, the reflection started to distort and I no longer recognized who it was I was looking at.  It was like staring at a stranger, this person had dark sad eyes, she looked tired and angry.  I felt alone in my own head with this stranger, she was the one who said nasty things, felt nasty things and let people walk all over her.  Today, I can look in the mirror and see me for who I know I am.  I see light clear eyes that are looking right back at me with no pretense.  I know that while I smile back at myself its a true smile, for I did by best that day and that’s all I can ask of myself.  I need to set more achievable goals and not set myself up for failure.

I had to be able to love myself before I could really love anyone else.  I was not happy with who I saw in the mirror and I tried to make myself look better.  Even if I just thought the nasty things but never said them out loud, it was still toxic thinking that was taking over my brain.  All I had done by not saying the things out loud was make it harder for people to know that I had a problem and needed help.  I smiled and said the nicest things out loud, but in my head the pure venom was rolling about waiting to one day be spat into someone’s face.  I was to chicken to say these things out loud, or maybe it was the good and evil fight in my head.  The little angel and devil on my shoulders having their way with my thoughts.  The devil made me come up with these things, then the angel would turn on the filter so that no one got hurt.  Well that’s not true, I got hurt.

Now that I love myself, I can freely love others.  I can love my husband even thought we can still drive each other nuts.  I can love my husband even though he still makes mistakes.  I can love myself even thought I still make mistakes.  I can make mistakes as long as I learn from them.

  If no one has told you they love you today, I love you and God does too!

 

Wow March already!  I must apologize for being a day late with my welcome to the new month post.  I was quite ill yesterday with a migraine, I try to get a post in even through the pain,

ghost god (pike and 12th)

but I just could not muster the energy.  I just could not put out a post just for the sake of a post that had not heart or feeling in it.  I only put up posts that have my heart and feelings in them, cause well that is the point here.  I just don’t post to post.  Anyways – let’s get on to the matter at hand, step 3!

Step 3: Made a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of God as we understood Him.

OK, God as we understood him.  This is how you see your god, your higher power – for it says as we understood him.  Some people pray to nature, some people pray to the sandals, robe and long hair god, some pray to the ancient roman gods – who ever it is, what ever form they take in our mind – you must be willing to trust them.  You must be willing to hand things over and for most, including myself, this can be easier said than done.  As I have said before, things that are worth doing, things that are the right thing to do, things that we know better about all along – they are never easy.  If it were easy we might not be where we are right now, I know that’s what I did.  I took the path of disrepair and  negativity cause it was easier to give up than fight.   It was easier to hold on to my anger and resentment.  It gave me an excuse to feel like crap.  I gave myself permission to accept all the bad stuff in my life and blame others.  Was his drinking my fault, no.  Was the way I let it into my head my fault, yes.  I am not here to fix my addict, I am here because of him.  Am I here to learn how to fix him, no.  I am here to learn the tools needed to carry on my life that has been effected by alcohol. God, the Father watches us all everywhere.

I had to first admit to the problem at hand, I then had to believe that I could be restored, now I have to believe that I can not to this without help.  Lord knows sitting at home alone with my negative thoughts and actions got me no where for over 5 years, I can give this a try!  I have to tell myself all the time to let go, but as much as I try – I still hold on to the smallest of thread holding that problem to me.

After my meeting last night I was talking to a new comer to our group who is having a hard time, I gave her a bunch of hugs and a few words of comfort.  I told  her that I was where she is right now all but a few months back.  I passed on the Lego that I had been given my first night in Al-Anon.  It came with a story talking o letting go and using the Lego to help to remember to do so.  I thought that she might get some use from it as I had when I first found the program.

Lego bricks

  If no one has told you they love you today, I love you and God does too!

Codependency – Part 4

This is a 5 part Post on Co-dependency.

Part 4 of 5

Compliance patterns:

  • I compromise my own values and integrity to avoid rejection or others’ anger.
  • I am very sensitive to how others are feeling and feel the same.
  • I am extremely loyal, remaining in harmful situations too long.
  • I value others’ opinions and feelings more than my own and am afraid to express differing opinions and feelings of my own.
  • I put aside my own interests and hobbies in order to do what others want.
  • I accept sex and/or sexual attention when I want love.
  • I am afraid to express my beliefs, opinions, and feelings when they differ from those of others.
  • I make decisions without regard to the consequences.
  • I give up my truth to gain the approval of others or to avoid change.

I knew that what was happening between my husband and I was getting bad, but I was at a loss as to how to fix it.  I would just avoid him rather than talk about what was going on in my head.  I could never talk about my feelings with him because it always was a fight or he would say what I was feeling was stupid.  I was told by a few people that I should just leave him, I said you know what I took a vow.  I took a vow to stay with him through sickness and in health, through good times and bad.  I was willing to stay in a bad situation that was unhealthy for all parties due to that fact that I loved the other person and could not bear the thought of not being with him.  When I reached my breaking point it had gotten so bad that I was not sure there was any way out of the hole we both had been frantically digging.

To be continued…

If no one has told you they love you today, I love you and God does too!

Codependency – Part 3

This is a 5 part Post on Co-dependency.

Part 3 of 5

Avoidance patterns:

  • I act in ways that invite others to reject, shame, or express anger toward me.
  • I judge harshly what others think, say, or do.
  • I avoid emotional, physical, or sexual intimacy as a means of maintaining distance.
  • I allow my addictions to people, places, and things to distract me from achieving intimacy in relationships.
  • I use indirect and evasive communication to avoid conflict or confrontation.
  • I diminish my capacity to have healthy relationships by declining to use all the tools of recovery.
  • I suppress my feelings or needs to avoid feeling vulnerable.
  • I pull people toward me, but when they get close, I push them away.
  • I refuse to give up my self-will to avoid surrendering to a power that is greater than myself.
  • I believe displays of emotion are a sign of weakness.
  • I withhold expressions of appreciation.

I hated to cry in front of people, I was always told not to cry when I was growing up.  I can cry at the drop of a hat though.  I cry at TV commercials, songs on the radio, movies and books.  I cry when I talk about something that i am passionate about, I cry when I am happy, sad, angered and just plain upset.  My Migraines will make me cry and its more from frustration then pain sometimes.  As a child I would sometimes act out just to get attention.  My parents were always so busy with work or my sister, I would crave the attention – even if it was negative.  I would act out to get the attention, then tell everyone how mean they were to get yet more attention.

I think that some of that carried over into my marriage.  My husband had become so consumed by his drinking that he no longer cared to spend time with me.  I would do little things to set him off so at least I could justify why he was ignoring me with his anger.  All the while he was doing the same thing, he would find the smallest thing to be upset about so he could justify his anger and drinking.

To be continued…

If no one has told you they love you today, I love you and God does too!

Codependency – Part 2

This is a 5 part Post on Co-dependency.

self-esteem, groups and hate

self-esteem, groups and hate (Photo credit: Will Lion)

Part 2 of 5

Low self-esteem patterns:

  • I have difficulty making decisions.
  • I judge everything I think, say or do harshly, as never “good enough.”
  • I am embarrassed to receive recognition and praise or gifts.
  • I do not ask others to meet my needs or desires.
  • I value others’ approval of my thinking, feelings and behavior over my own.
  • I do not perceive myself as a lovable or worthwhile person.
  • I constantly seek recognition that I think I deserve.
  • I am jealous of the relationships between others I would like to have as my own.
  • I have difficulty admitting that I made a mistake.
  • I need to appear to be right in the eyes of others and will even lie to look good.
  • I perceive myself as superior to others.
  • I look to others to provide my sense of safety.
  • I have difficulty getting started, meeting deadlines, and completing projects.
  • I have trouble setting healthy priorities.

I used to have a big issue with making decisions about the smallest things – where to go eat – what to eat after we go there – what movie to go see – what to wear – what to buy.  It was horrible to live that way.  Or I would make a decision too quickly and then regret it later.  I would buy something and then freak out about it, even if it was just a few bucks.  I even did that for items that were needed.  I always needed to pat on the back for things I did and when I did get it I would not know what to do with myself.  I also would go into this “are they really happy with what I did or are they just saying it to make me happy?”  But truth was, I was never happy – even when I got the approval I was looking for.

I would make things sound like a much bigger deal than they were just to get someone to look at me differently.  I felt like if I didn’t have an interesting story then no one would want to talk to me.  Not realizing that the real me was just as interesting as anyone else.  The problem was that even I didn’t know the real me to be able to talk about her.  I am just getting to know the real me all over again, and you know what I found?  I like the real me, she is a pretty cool chip in her own right.  I am just going to stick to being me from now on, life seems so much better when I have the real me on my side.

To be continued…

If no one has told you they love you today, I love you and God does too!

Co-dependency – Part 1

This is a 5 part Post on Co-dependency.

Part 1 of 5

Every time I mention to someone that I had a Co-dependency to my husband’s drinking they try to talk me out of thinking that way.  I found a list of patternsto help figure out if the co-dependency is there.  I was a little amazed looking through the list.  I had a few of these patterns, OK more like a lot of these patterns.

Panic attack

Image via Wikipedia

Denial patterns:

  • I have difficulty identifying what I am feeling.
  • I minimize, alter or deny how I truly feel.
  • I perceive myself as completely unselfish and dedicated to the well-being of others.
  • I lack empathy for the feelings and needs of others.
  • I label others with my negative traits.
  • I can take care of myself without any help from others.
  • I mask my pain in various ways such as anger, humor, or isolation.
  • I express negativity or aggression in indirect and passive ways.
  • I do not recognize the unavailability of those people to whom I am attracted.

I can say that I would try to hide my pain and I would isolate myself and then have anger and sadness for being alone.  I would take care of others before ever taking care of myself and didn’t want any help taking care of myself either.  I never wanted to feel helpless or that I needed someone that much.  I sure as heck didn’t want my husband to know the extent of the pain I was in all the time.  I never wanted him to think I was getting sick and then leave me.  I remember him saying a few times to me that my Dad was a strong person being right by my mom through all of her illness and that he is not sure he could do it.  Well hello panic!  I would have anxiety attacks about having to go to the hospital or the Dr for something cause he was going to run at any time, I would think to myself.  So instead I would just spend all of my time taking care of him and make sure he never knew I was in pain.

To be continued…

If no one has told you they love you today, I love you and God does too!


The Signs are all around us…

So – not that I needed a sign to prove to me that my higher power is really there for me all the time, but I am glad they chose to show me.  I was on my way to work this morning, I was

Uses the Roadgeek 2005 fonts. (United States l...

Image via Wikipedia

waiting to turn left off a main street through town.  The light turned red and the green arrow turned on signifying that it was now my turn to go.  There was a full line of cars in the left turn lane on the other side of the intersection so I could not see the other lanes of oncoming traffic.  I started to make my left had turn when I head a voice in my head yell “STOP!”  So I slammed on my breaks and just in time to see a big car go flying past me just mere inches from my front bumper.  He was really going fast – way too fast for the street we were on, and way to fast to end up in the right front fender of my explorer.  I sat there for a sec and waited for all the other cars to come to a full stop before I made my way onto the other street.  I was shaking and a little high on the adrenalin pumping thought my veins. I looked up at the Guardian Angel that is clipped on the visor of my truck and said out loud “Thank you my Higher Power, I love you too!”

My higher power saved my life this morning – that’s all there is to it.  The voice I head was just in my head I know, but it sounded to me like it came from outside of myself.  My higher power is something that is bigger than I am – its inside of me and outside of me.  It lives in my heart just as it live in everything around me.  I try not to take anything for granted, it can be taken away in a heart beat.  It’s hard to love something that death can touch, but I do love deeply and true.  I love with all my heart and I am not ashamed to say it or show it.  I love my friends and family and again – I am not ashamed to say it.  So if I tell you I love you, then I do.

Hubby and I also say “I love you, drive safe.”  at the end of every phone conversation, before we leave and in texts.  The one time we didn’t was the summer before we go married and I was just leaving work.  We got in a bit of a tiff on the phone and we both hung up upset and without saying our normal sign off.  We didn’t even say “I love you.”  On my way home I got in a car accident, not bad but still totaled my car and shook me up pretty good.  As soon as Hubby and my Dad showed up I told him that we must ALWAYS say I love you and drive safe, no matter what.  And to this day we do, I also say drive safe to my loved ones and friends.  So if I tell you drive safe, it’s not cause I think you are a bad driver, its cause I love you and want you to be safe.

If no one has told you they love you today, I love you and God does too!

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