Tag Archive: Sanity


February 2013…

Smoke

Smoke (Photo credit: AMagill)

Hello February – Ready for step 2?  well good because here it is:

Step 2 –

Came to believe that a Power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity.

Last year I explored the meaning of the word Restore…why?  Well because it stuck out to me, that’s why.  This year the word that stand out to me is Could.  It could restore us to sanity.  It’s not a false promise, is not a answer to fix all that is wrong with me.  I have to do be present in this journey of getting back to sanity.  My Higher Power can help me get there, if I let it.  I have to get out of the darn way and let him take some of this weight off my shoulders.  If I don’t let go, if I hold on with everything I have to things – how can I take a hold of the gifts of today?  How can I reach towards the future with hands full of yesterdays crap?

Could [kood; unstressed kuhd]
verb

1.a simple past tense of can1 .
auxiliary verb

2. (used to express possibility): I wonder who that could be at the door. That couldn’t be true.
3. (used to express conditional possibility or ability): You could do it if you tried.
4. (used in making polite requests): Could you open the door for me, please?
5. (used in asking for permission): Could I borrow your pen?
6. (used in offering suggestions or advice): You could write and ask for more information. You could at least have called me.
I find that even if I have read all the pages in the ODAT (One Day At A Time, Al-anon daily reader) a story will stick out to me in a different way.  I see what I need to see when I need to see it.  I can get out of a story what I need to hear at that moment in time.  It will be different for me each time, and that’s the best part about it.  That means I can read that book 100 times and still get something different each time.
If I can learn the art of letting go, this happy feeling I have today might just stay with me for a while. Last Thursday was my 30th day of being a non smoker.  I consider myself to be a non smoker now because I don’t want to go back to it.  If by calling myself a non smoker, I can resist giving myself permission to do it again.  So yes, 30 days as a non smoker and today is  30 days till my 30th birthday.  Yeah – what ya got on all my three’s!  I hope you all have a good day.
If no one has told you they love you today, I love you and God does too.
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another month down…

We are fast approaching the end of February and I am ready for a new month and the next step.  Step two wasCame to believe that a Power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity.”

Looking back I don’t think I touched on the Second tradition at all, so let me take some time to reflect on the second tradition. “For our group purpose there is but one ultimate authority—a loving God as He may express Himself in our group conscience. Our leaders are but trusted servants; they do not govern.”  I feel that I am a trusted servant, who uses the power of words to hopefully bring some hope to someone who might feel very much alone at the moment.  I have been there, I know how it feels.  I feel that my Higher Power gives me the wisdom of the words that flow from my fingertips as they fly across these keys on my laptop keyboard.  This is a bit of my meditation time, a little bit of time I take out of every day to sit and pour my feelings, thoughts and wishes of hope out so that they can reach out to others who might also be in need.  Or I might reach out to someone who could offer insight or experience that I might not have heard other wise.

Part of my healing process is this blog right here, if I can’t sleep cause I have to get something off my chest – I log in and spill it.  Then I can roll over and go right back to sleep.  I know that I do not have all the answers – nor do I need to have them.  All I need to know is that I am only in control of how I react to things, how I let them rent space in my head and how I will let it go and move on.  If you have questions, I may not be able to answer them, I might just be able to point you in the right direction.  Things will not happen over night but they do get easier.  Times are still hard, I still spend a lot of time alone.  He has his program and things that he does to stay sober or just plain work on getting rid of his stress or anger on his own.  I have to except that yes he is sober, yes he still spends time doing other tings with out me, yes I can be strong on my own.  Being alone for me is so scary, I get caught up in my own crazy dark thoughts.  Or if I have a migraine I fear that something bad will happen to me and I will be all alone.

Some people fear other people and I can’t say I blame them.  I am not always comfortable around strangers, but I am VERY uncomfortable being all alone.  I know that he needs his time, I know he likes his classes and his meetings.  I can not have 100% of his time and I guess it hurts a bit because we used to be like that.  But it’s not “we used to” any more, this is my new normal till the next new normal comes around.  It just takes a little time getting used to something different, lord knows my life has been full of change these last few months.

 

If no one has told you they love you today, I love you and God does too!

Could…

Taken from my comment on Rex’s post about “We Can’t Think Our Way Sober’

I like how step 2 says “could restore us to sanity”  Could is a very important word there, because it starts with us.  We have to admit, then we have to believe and then we can begin to be restored to sanity if we can let go and let “god” (as we understood him) restore us.

Our Higher Power could restore us to sanity, that whats I have to always remember.  That I still need to do my part so that I can be restored.  If my higher power is to be able to assist me in any way, I have to be able to let go of what it is that is troubling me.  And honestly let go, I will sometimes say I let go of something but am still holding onto a strand of it.  Not wanting to give up full control over the outcome, when truth is I have never had control over the outcome from the beginning but I thought I did.  I still have a bit of an issue doing this, but I am getting better.  The hardest thing to do this with is when we have bad weather or my migraines.  I try to panic about the bad storm and try to think out all the outcomes and worry about stuff that has not happened yet.  With my migraines I worry about what others will think if I can’t do something or want to lay down for a while.  Can not change how they see me and if I have to go lay down, then that’s what I have to do.  I will pray that my higher power helps me though the storm either outside or in my head and then I sit back and wait for the rainbow.
I can’t think my way out of the migraine, that might just make it worse.  I can’t expect my husband to out think his addiction, we both tried it and it didn’t work.  I am happy that his recovery and my recover from that part is well underway and we are both doing so well.  We both have come so far.  But I just with the migraines would try to catch up on the recover process.  But all I can do it take life one day at a time, so in turn all I can do is take it one migraine at a time as well.  I worried all the time that if I got sick like my mom or if the migraines got any worse that he would leave me.  Why would he want to stay with a sick person?  Well I stayed with him while he was sick, all I can do is have faith that he will be there and my higher power will be there.  I need to not keep my fears inside and learn to give up control to the ones who truly have control over them.

If no one has told you they love you today, I love you and God does too!

We Can’t Think Our Way Sober

“To the intellectually self-sufficient man or woman, many A.A’s can say, “Yes, we were like you- far too smart for our own good…. Secretly, we felt we could float above the rest of the folks on our brain power alone.” (As Bill Sees It, pg. 60)

Wow, if this doesn’t describe me, and almost every addict and alcoholic I know, I don’t know what does. I cannot recall (Full blown honesty here) any time during my use of drugs or alcohol, where I thought I of myself was incapable of beating the addiction on my own. I thought I had it down pat, and that I knew the limits and strains of my body as well as the time and place that I could stop using.

Every addict out there (And if you disagree, you are in a hard level of denial) knows that we have vehemently affirmed that we could stop when we wanted to, only to find that we were back on the bottle, or pill or whatever the particular addiction. We had such polished resolve, and a foundation of surety that we were certain that we were going to stop- yet we found ourselves back at the bottom of the issue, and nearly in trouble if we were not already.

Well, here is some hard facts. We THOUGHT we had control of our lives. We THOUGHT we had managed our addiction and our lives, and we THOUGHT that the way we were doing things was intellectually sufficient. We were dead wrong. Steps 1 and 2 prove this to us in a landslide of evidence, of which to see one needs only to be truthfully introspective. Let us review: (Step 1 was spoken of in great detail, and the focus last month, and Step 2 is the focus of this month)

1. We admitted that we were powerless over alcohol- That our lives had become unmanageable.

2. Came to believe that a Power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity.

So, I’d like to link up how the title of this blog, “We Can’t Think Ourselves Sober” and Step 2 “Came to believe that a Power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity” go hand in hand. If we truly affirm that a Power greater than ourselves can restore us to sanity, then we are affirming that we of ourselves have failed to do so. To the average reader, or one not familiar with the program, you may say “Well Duh!”, but you must understand that when addiction is the focal point of any topic- the obvious solutions become the most obscure and difficult to achieve. Why it is this way to the addict is yet to be fully explained, but rest assured, we addicts will get the picture one day or face the other 3 solutions- Jails, Institutions or Death.

I have never been able to do it on my own, and it was only when I allowed my Higher Power, a.k.a God, to manage things for me when things finally started to change. This should sum it up for me today:

“I came to KNOW that GOD will restore me to sanity…. if I let Him

God Bless You Friends!

Goal: Sanity

So, to honor my dear friend, I wish to comment on Step Two, which reads:

2. Came to believe that a power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity.

The title for this entry I actually got from the daily reflections AA book I have.

…Step Two gently and very gradually began to infiltrate my life. I can’t say upon what occasion or upon what day I came to believe in a Power greater than myself, but I certainly have that belief now.” (Twelve Steps And Twelve Traditions pg. 27)

For me this was not a coming to believe or needing to learn to believe, but rather, to remember how God restored me to sanity back when I got clean in 2009. Each of our individual Higher Powers can and will “Restore” us to sanity.

I like how the word restore sounds, and certainly, I love what it means.

RESTORE:

verb (used with object), -stored, -stor·ing.

1. to bring back into existence, use, or the like; reestablish: torestore order.
2. to bring back to a former, original, or normal condition, as abuilding, statue, or painting.
3. to bring back to a state of health, soundness, or vigor.
4. to put back to a former place, or to a former position, rank,etc.: to restore the king to his throne.
5. to give back; make return or restitution of (anything takenaway or lost).
So for me I really needed to not just be restored to sanity, but find out how I lost it. In life we sometimes need to re-trace our steps to find what was lost, and in like manner we need to do so with addiction to anything. When I finally locked into where I lost my way, it came down to me forgetting to do some basic things that had gotten me on the road to sanity in the first place.
Things as simple as praying, studying scriptures (again, this was what worked for me), helping others continually and finally going to church. As soon as I stopped placing significant importance on those four things, I slowly but surely lost my way.
So, can we all be restored to some sense of sanity? You bet we can! God bless you all!
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