Tag Archive: Substance dependence


By volume

“When I was drinking I was 100% ass hole by volume.  Now i am only 5% ass hole by volume.”

This is what hubby and I talked about last night, the second he said it I wrote it down.  He laughs cause I carry a note pad all the time to jot down ideas or little says he comes up with.  He had his last class for substance abuse on Tuesday and had to write a closing letter.  It was truly touching and very heart-felt.  He really got a lot from the class.  We were talking about a few things from the past.  Not that we dwell on the past, but there was a lot there that was never talked about due to his drinking.  So every once in a while we touch back on ways that we both have changed.  I feel to know that I am moving forward I have to remember where I have been.  Learn from my mistakes and move on.  So that’s what we did last night.  We talked a little bit about how it used to be.

I can see this light in his eyes and a smile in his face that shows over his whole face, not just his lips.  We laugh and joke and teas each other, but in a nice manner not the mean bully teasing or our past ways.  I think now we are a couple.  The past we didn’t know how to be a couple, I think now we are finally learning how to be a couple and how to live and love one another.  I have always loved him, but the tools we used to leave with each other were being used improperly.  The instruction manual had been translated poorly and was missing some pages.  We did the best we could with what we had, but that wasn’t good for either of us.  Now that the tools have been dusted off, repaired and we have been shown how to properly use them life has been the way it should be.  Our life might not suit you, but that’s cause it our life.  I can only live life on life’s terms, and I can only do it one day at a time.

So was I just sweet and innocent in all this mess?  absolutely not!  I was allowing myself to sit on my pity pot and i was allowing my guilt and my fear transpose into resentment for who I thought was the cause.  and It was not a person, it was a thing.  Alcohol stole my happiness, my self confidence and my love for life in general.  How can an inanimate object steal something from you?  Alcohol is a drug, and drugs can steal more from you that you can imagine.  I lost my husband, it almost took him from me for good.  I fear that if he would have continued down that path he could very well been on a road to death.

I am not sure if it would have been either from health reasons, a fight or some other alcohol related incident – but I feared the worse.  I was also at risk of some health issues, I was in a sever depression, my blood pressure was so high the dr was messing with all my meds and food intake, I did countless tests the summer.  I have chronic migraines and they were out of control with all the stress.  I either didn’t want to eat or could not stop eating.  All the stress and panic I had hidden inside was starting to take its toll.  I blew through my PTO at work due to everything and was not happy with any aspect of my life.

Now when stuff is thrown at me, I ask for some help.  I ask help from my higher power, my husband, my friends and my family.  I would always try to do it all for myself.  I needed people to think of me as this strong person who could take it all on with a smile on her face.  I think that I felt that if everyone thought I was strong, I would too.  I would not feel the pain, physical and emotional that was ripping at my body and soul.  If everyone saw the iron hide then it must be there, right?  Truth was, I was a frightened, panic-stricken lost little girl who was in so much pain it scared her to death.  I was convinced that after some tests I was going to have something incurable.  well not incurable, but unmanageable is what my co-dependency had become.  So I got through step one, and now with step 2 – I can talk to my higher power and let them restore me to sanity.

So he may have been “100% ass hole by volume” But I was 100% co-dependent and insane by volume.  So now I look forward to a life with a lower proof on my bottle of insanity and I higher lever of understanding and faith.

If no one has told you they love you today, I love you and God does too!

Advertisements

Is Addiction Really A Disease?

Well, I’m fresh out of rehab, and all I can say is there are a million things I look at differently. Heading into rehab, I had some serious misconceptions of both what an addict / alcoholic was, and why it was important to distinguish why we addicts are the way that we are.

I have to face the fact that I’m an addict, and i’ll never be able to change that. What can change, is my honesty to admit I am an addict, my open-mindedness to find a new way of doing life, and finally, willingness to act upon to the proposed changes I will need to make. I had to learn that if its not God‘s will (And you will see me reference back and forth between God and Higher Power) its not a healthy will. I can clearly see where my own will has got me, and the end result was a rock bottom. Self-will run-riot

One thing that drastically changed for me, while in rehab, was my view on addiction- whether to drugs or alcohol. I got saturated in both NA and AA in treatment, and have been working both programs, so I will try to be specific when quoting literature, to let you know where I got it. For example In NA “alcohol is also classified as a drug.” ( See NA Big Book) In any case, this finally leads me to the title of this entry.

The medical profession has struggled to accurately handle the field of addiction, whether to drugs or alcohol. How do we know this? Look at our Jails, our Institutions, or the addicts we used to know.(Death) Their approach to addiction is flawed, and a video I got the pleasure of watching while in rehab made me see addiction in a whole new light. Some doctors are pressing now, that addiction is a disease. Here is the video, broken into segments, addressing the issue of whether addiction is a choice based problem, or a disease based problem.

I hope you are just as enlightened as I was, and I’d be very interested to know whether you originally felt addiction was a disease or not! Enjoy!

JUST FOR TODAY my thoughts will be on my recovery,
living and enjoying life without the use of drugs.
JUST FOR TODAY I will have faith in someone in NA who
believes in me and wants to help me in my recovery.
JUST FOR TODAY I will have a program. I will try to follow it
to the best of my ability.
JUST FOR TODAY, through NA, I will try to get a better
perspective on my life.
JUST FOR TODAY I will be unafraid. My thoughts will be on
my new associations, people who are not using and
who have found a new way of life. So long as I follow
that way, I have nothing to fear.

Class

My husband is taking a substance abuse class – and he seems to be getting a lot out of it.  It’s ran by a husband and wife team, and they seem very knowledgeable.  The man who runs the classes has been clean and sober for a long time now, so he knows what everyone is going through.  Its not just someone who is reading things from a book, it comes from real experience.

I had a Dr once who was trying to treat my migraines when she had never had one in her life.  Its hard to treat someone when you have no experience with it.  So I am thankful that he is getting help from someone who knows what they are talking about first hand not just from what they were told to talk about.  Everything I talk about here is something I have experienced.  I may not have had an addiction to drugs or alcohol, but I am a smoker who has tried to quit and have done so for small jaunts.  I have been working on cutting back and then plan to be smoke free here very soon.  So yes, I too suffer from an addiction an I watched a loved one suffer with alcohol addiction.  I have had a few friends who have drug problems, some have sought help, others choose to just live with the addiction.

All I can say is that I speak from the heart, I speak about what on my mind and I share these things with the hopes that maybe, just maybe I can reach someone.  The class that my husband is taking not only goes over the mental part of the drinking addiction, it also goes over what you do to your body and the long term effects.  He shares with me the things they go over in class and it makes me happy he can share it with me.  I have heard somethings I never knew, and heard somethings I had been trying to tell him.  It doesn’t bother me that he didn’t listen to me but listened to them, he wasn’t ready to hear what I had to say.  Now with his open mind, he is able to listen and take to heart the damage he was doing.

If you are interested in a class I am sure that either your local AA or NA group might have some information.  Also I find doing a google search for things does sometimes prove helpful.  You just have to be smart with your google searches and check out the information before getting your heart set on anything.

Becky's Bad Dates....

Why Did I Shave My Legs For This?!?!

Inside Kel's Kitchen

Love to eat, love to cook, and trying to keep it healthy!

Holly Brockwell

Writer, founder, influencer

Hugh's Views & News

A man with dyslexia writing about this and that and everything else!

the harmonious two

stories & dreams from a couple of music lovers

kelsurfs

Please follow my actual food blog at https://insidekelskitchen.wordpress.com!

Logical Quotes

Logical and Inspirational quotes

songsfortheday

posting a song each day you should hear.

I Was A Foster Kid

About growing up in the foster care system

House of Kellen

Energy healing and Rune Reading

Homemade with Mess

who wants life to be tidy when you can have more fun making a mess??!

YARNutopia by Nadia Fuad

All things Yarn Related: Crochet, DIY, and Crafts

Chronic Pain Cockney - The Little Things

Living with Chronic (in fact, daily) Migraine, IIH & Chiari is tough. Sometimes I blog about it; other times I indulge my love of pretty things & review beauty products instead.

Sleeping Geeks

Sleep by Day - Geek by Night

random rants ruminations ramblings

different times, different thoughts

Crochet with Raymond

The mad adventures of a lesbi@n hooker and her siamese cat!

Ray Ferrer - Emotion on Canvas

** OFFICIAL Site of Artist Ray Ferrer **

Smart Discount Shop

Discover all the creative and ingenious ways to save money !