Tag Archive: Travel

The Courage To Change The Things That I Can…

There have been many instances lately (Which have also been a root cause of the absence of my writing) where work has just overwritten even my play time. I find myself dedicated to a cause, even striving to near perfection, in the completion of all tasks in a prompt and friendly manner. When I started to fall behind in a workload where only 50% I could actually control, I started to unknowingly allow myself to fall into the HALT categories. On the days where I was working, I pushed myself far beyond the normal limits, and the consequences started to rear their ugly heads.

Whenever I went into work early, to try to get a head start and edge the workload, I began to edge my need for food, and began to become hungry. When I was hungry, it was far easier to become irritable- which meant being angry was only a step away. Let me assure any doubters out there, that when you are angry, people will respond to you in two fashions; 1) They will get angry in return and a fight will follow or 2) They will avoid you like a bad case of the flu, which will ultimately leave you alone a.k.a. lonely. Once you have reached this point you will hit a stonewall emotional dump….sometimes even physical and behold, you are a tired individual.

I don’t know where the origination of HALT came from, but I do know that it makes sense to avoid every item on that list. I found that in no instance when I allow myself to follow in any of these categories, was I properly working my program, and was readily reproved by my sponsor. He chuckles at me frequently however and is quick to remind me that I am asking for trouble when I fail to start my day with a prayer and a daily reading.

I guess we all need a reminder every once in a while, even if you are years into sobriety, or just days.

God will grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, All  the courage I Need to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference If I Ask For His Help.

Steps 1-3 were taught to me in this format:

1) I Can’t

2) He Can   (He being God or your Higher Power)

3) I Think I’ll Let Him (The word Think is derived from even a fraction of willingness we have to try something outside our will)

God bless you all!

G.O.D. Good Orderly Direction

“It is when we try to make our will conform with God‘s that we begin to use it rightly. To all of us, this was a most wonderful revelation. Our whole trouble had been the misuse of willpower. We had tried to bombard our problems with it instead of attempting to bring it into agreement with God’s intention for us. To make this increasingly possible is the purpose of A.A.’s Twelve Steps, and Step Three opens the door.”

Twelve Steps & Twelve Traditions Page 40

I recently (On 3/10/12) did my steps 4,5,6 and 7 and found out some information about myself that I was able to see for some time now, but refused to look at it. A sense of pride clouded my addictions, and like termites to a foundation, when the right storm came in I came down. I did not have the right order of God and structure in my life. That order is a task, even a chore some days, to keep on the front lines of our concerns. Complacency is our deepest and deadliest enemy next to the drug we used to favor. When we think we are ok, and no longer need the order, that is when we are most ready to fall.

As I sat in the meeting on 3/12/12 I heard that same warning cast out by another man, now trembling and very visibly shaken. He had become a strength he said, and a person who dealt with many sponsee’s, but the moment he stopped daily prayer and meditation, was the moment he was preparing himself for catastrophe. Without specifics he repeated his warning, and then said (Im paraphrasing adding much here:) that his complacency cost him 8 years on Sobriety Street, now he is trying to move of Addict Avenue once more.

The best thing I needed years ago, and that he needed recently, was G.O.D. Some Good Orderly Direction! If I keep God in my life, I keep good chances of sobriety- ALWAYS taking it one day at a time.

Missing Husband: Episode 3

So during the last episode of missing husband, we left off with me acting like a spoiled upset brat…

I was content with playing this women scorn bit.  I was bitter, angry, resentful and hurt.  Somehow he had to pay for what he had done to me, and I couldn’t see how much of a (excuse my foulness here) Bitch I was being.  No wonder my family had taken his side, he was the better of the two to deal with at the moment.  He had been sober for three months now and was on the mend, while I was still on the war path.  I remember sitting with him one night and he looked over at me and said something that snapped me out of my self pity party.  “You have become someone I wouldn’t even like to date right now.” He got up and walked back into the house.  I sat there for a while with smoke coming out of my ears.  (in reality it was from the fact I was chain smoking at this point)  How dare he say that to me, he has to make all this up to me.

At this point a legal separation had already been discussed, and things looked bleak.  So I did some soul-searching and found that we had no idea what it felt like to be in the others place.  He had thought that mine had been all sunshine and roses while he was out of the house, and to me he had a free ride at someone’s house.  So, I decided to take a trip back east to see a friend.  I would be gone for 6 days and we would both have time and space to think.  I had asked him to come back to the bed room a few nights before I left on my trip.  This was so we could spend more time together and the dogs would get used to him sleeping in the bed with them.  They had kinda got used to taking up half the bed by this time.

So, off I went on my trip to clear my head.  I had to go from AZ – LAX – DC – Boston.  When we got to DC the weather had gotten so bad that I ended up missing my flight to Boston and had to spend the next 12 hrs at the airport.  I survived on Coffee and donuts.  I did however make some very wonderful friends in the smoking room of the DC airport.  By the time I got to Boston I was ready to just come back home.  I was in the need of a shower, food and a bed.  What I got was a bathroom floor and being sick for two days.  I cut my trip short and came home 2 days early.  I had seen 5 airports in 4 days – If I fly again in the next 10 years it will be too soon.

Hubby had been so supportive while I was stuck in the air port, and then sick as a dog for the rest of the trip.  He had told me just to get a sooner flight home and he would be there at the air port.  Sure enough he was, even had a snack and a drink for me in the car.  I had gotten to see a bit of what he had gone through.  I was miles away from home, unable to get to any bed let alone my own bed.  I had no contact with anyone I loved other than by phone and surrounded by strangers.  That was a feeling I never wanted to have again.

He got to see a little of what I had to do.  I had to take the dogs out all by myself, feed them, get my lunch together and my own coffee.  i had to make dinner and eat it alone, and sleep all alone.  He said he see’s now why I was so upset about being left alone all the time.  We had seen eye to eye for the first time during all of this.  Two months from this point was when he was going to get his 6 month coin.  I had at that moment decided that I was going to go with him to get his 6 month chip.  Life started to get better and better.  But there was still a little monster of guilt and anger between us.

To be continued…

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