Looking through the eyes of a child…part 2

In going through the blue print for progress book, I have learned something about myself that I never saw. Like how the kids in school treated me. I used to lie to my parents to stay home saying I was sick. And I was sick, sick and tired of getting picked on. I had a perm, braces and glasses – you tell me how the kids treated me. I hated school, wanted to grow up and get out of there. I used to tell lies about things that would make the kids like me better – or hate me so they would leave me alone. I was bullied, but back then it was just kids being kids. I was different and that’s all they needed. My parents had rules and yes I thought they were bad then and over protective, but looking back – I am glad they did it. The only thing I can say about my childhood is – it was very lonely at times. I spent a lot of time alone, I didn’t mind it sometimes, but I really missed my mom and dad. When I was at home it was all about my sister and my mom. My mom was very, very ill all of my life, and my sister almost died being born. She was born blue and not breathing. So he was treated a bit different than I was.

I spent a lot of time with my great grandparents due to my mother being so sick and my dad working all the time. I know they taught me a lot of things and might be why I think like an old soul sometimes. They were in their 70’s and here I was just a baby spending time with them.  I don’t want to show my parents in a bad light. I know they loved me, I know they were doing the best they could. But I still feel that the way I grew up was very one-sided, and it was never my side. I started to act out just to get my parents to look at me. If I got bad grades they would have to sit with me and do my homework. If I talked back or didn’t do things, they would have to talk to me to tell me what I did wrong. as messed up as that sounds, its how i felt I could get attention. My dad’s parents were also a big part of my life. I always felt that my grandmother never cared for me. She spent a lot more time with my sister. She did take me and my bff to the movies, but not much else was just her and I.

Now my grandfather on the other hand was my buddy. Dad and I didn’t get really close till pop died. I mean I was always my dad’s pal around buddy, but pop and I were always together. He taught me to paint and how to fish, told me all kids of stories that I remember to this day. He loved to play with things, and I think that is where I get my techy side from. He was on the development team for the first GPS in the military. When pop died, I hated the word – they took the only person I felt who loved me no matter what i did. My great-grandmother loved me no matter what too – but that was a different bond. The day they told us he had passed away, my dad cried on my shoulder – at that moment I had become my father’s little girl. I am almost 30 and still call him daddy! As an adult I feel much closer to my parents that for sure. I no longer have to go round with them. I still feel that they lean more to taking care of my sister than me, but I have to learn to let go of the selfishness.y

We all went to the movie theater for mother’s day, I think my mom had a good day.  Dad got us all tickets for Dark Shadows, Very good flick.  I hope all the mothers out there had a wonderful day!

I love my parents so very much.

If no one has told you they love you today, I love you and God does too.

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The Wolves Within

A Cherokee Legend:

One evening an old Cherokee Indian told his grandson about a battle that goes on inside people. He said, ‘My son, the battle is between two ‘wolves’ inside us all.One is Evil. It is anger, envy, jealousy, sorrow, regret, greed, arrogance, self-pity, guilt, resentment, inferiority, lies, false pride, superiority, and ego. The other is good. It is joy, peace, love, hope, serenity, humility, kindness, benevolence, empathy, generosity, truth, compassion and faith.’ The grandson thought about it for a minute and then asked his grandfather: ‘Which wolf wins?’ The old Cherokee simply replied, ‘The one you feed.’

This is a very true feeling for me.  It’s the fight between good and evil within ourselves, you have to decide which wolf to feed.  Hy husband brought this story home from his substance abuse class tonight and I just had to share.  For some of us the bad wolf might be a drug, a drink, a doughnut or something else we use to harm ourselves or others.  The other wolf is the good wolf and is telling us to not take the drugs, put down that drink, don’t eat that doughnut and cause no harm.

Its like the little angel and devil that sit on your shoulders.  The one who wins is the one you listen to.  It’s hard to always run the path of good over evil.  Sometimes the evil path is the easier one, but I have learned that the right choice to make is not always the easiest.  Things worth having are worth the fight, you just have to be willing to put your paws up and fight for it.  Fight the urge to drink, use, abuse and to feed that big bad wolf.

New Years 2012

Hello and welcome to 2012, this year is going to be a year of firsts.  Last year was full of some sad firsts.  We lost Great Grandmother in march so we had the holidays without her and it was strange.  But, this year will be full of a lot of happy Firsts.  Even thought the holidays were a bit sad cause Grandma was gone, but at the same time it was the first sober holidays for my husband.  So it was a bit of a roller coaster ride.  Watching everyone around us drink and be dumb on new years was odd.  I mean these people are sometimes relatively smart, but new years they were building big bon fires WAY too close to some brush.  Hubby was on fire watch to make sure our house didn’t get burned down.  That’s what I don’t understand, how can these people have no regard for anyone around them.  would they even feel bad if my house burned to the ground while they were sleeping off their hangover the next day?  I watched their kids jump over the fire and then were tossing fireworks towards another neighbors house.  OMG – what are you letting your kids do!  But most of the people I live near drink, very heavily.  They don’t seem to have much regard towards what their kids do or having respect for others or things that are not theirs.  The fire works went off all night and it was driving my Boxer crazy.  He finally settled down and just slept really close to us.

Sunday we went to my Grandmothers and her husband has alcohol dementia and he is a royal prick.  I mean he was bad before this and is really bad now.  He yells at her all the time, but he talks almost incoherently,  I can not understand most of what he says.  Hubby said that he worries that he would end up like that, and I said if you kept drinking you would.  He said that will help keep him sober.

Our first year of sobriety is ahead of us and I could not be happier.  2012 will be a good year for change, growth, recovery and love.

 

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